Kwan Kevin - Sex and Vanity

Lucie sank down on the Wegner chair, not sure what to say. She had succeeded beyond her wildest imagination in getting rid of the Zaos, and now she was flooded with guilt.

“But where will you live?”

“Don’t worry about me. I have so many houses. I think I want to go back to Hong Kong for a while, and then I’ll see where George lands.”

“What do you mean ‘where George lands’?” Lucie asked.

“George resigned from his job this morning.”

“Noooo!”

“Yes, he’s going to look for a job in another city. He says it’s too painful to be here.”

“No, no, no. Can you stop him? He really shouldn’t have to give up his job.” Lucie rose from her chair in alarm.

“He wanted to quit his job.”

“But he was doing so well there! Isn’t he about to start a big new project in Queens? The apartments made out of trash?”

“It’s out of the question now, Lucie. Come on, how can my son be here, after all he’s done to you?”

“But I don’t mind, Mrs. Zao. Really, I don’t. Besides, I’m going to be away. I’m going to be traveling for the next four or five months at least with the Ortiz sisters. I’m going to Mongolia, and then I’ll be driving along the Silk Road from China to Italy. George doesn’t need to give up his job. He shouldn’t give up his job!” Lucie found herself pacing the room, hyperventilating. She was overwhelmed and angry with herself. She couldn’t stand thinking that she might have ruined George’s career.

“I don’t understand why you’re driving from China to Italy. Doesn’t Cecil have his own plane? Don’t you have to plan your big wedding?”

“There isn’t going to be a wedding, Mrs. Zao.”

“Why? Are you going to elope in Vegas?”

“Cecil and I aren’t getting married,” Lucie blurted out before she could help herself.

“Whaaaat?!”

“Yes, I ended things with Cecil last week,” Lucie confessed.

Rosemary’s jaw dropped, and then she said almost in a whisper, “Last week?”

“Yes.”

“Now I know why Cecil didn’t show up to your mom’s gala. I thought it was because he was scared of Cornelia Guest!”

“Well, I’m scared of her too, but that wasn’t the reason.”

“Then I’m confused. Why did you break up with Cecil? I thought you were so excited to have that big lavish wedding in Abu Dhabi.” Lucie could see Rosemary’s mind going into overdrive.

“I realized I didn’t love Cecil. I realized that I would never be the perfect trophy wife. I want a chance at a new life. I want to travel and move to Los Angeles to become an art dealer. And that’s why George should stay here. You both should stay here, Mrs. Zao. You shouldn’t have to leave your comfortable house in East Hampton. My mother would miss you so much,” Lucie pleaded, fighting back tears.

“I would miss her too. But we’ve done enough damage, Lucie. It would be too awkward for you to have to be around me and my son all the time.”

“No, it wouldn’t, Mrs. Zao. It wouldn’t at all!”

“Really? Then why did you tell him you never wanted to see him again? Why did you make him promise to leave you alone?”

“He told you that?”

“Yes, he said you commanded him never to set foot in any of your houses again. And so he won’t.”

“But I didn’t really mean it that way …”

“What did you mean then? Because he took you at your word, dear. That’s the kind of boy he is. He is true to his word, and the last thing he would ever do is hurt anyone. He would never wish to hurt you. He still loves you so much, the poor boy. I can see how he’s suffering every day.”

Lucie suddenly burst into uncontrollable sobs.

“ Hiyah! Now you’re crying. Why are you crying?”

Lucie couldn’t answer through her heaving sobs.

Rosemary narrowed her eyes. “Is it because there’s some tiny part of you that actually has feelings for my son?”

“Of course I do.”

“What, you’re feeling sorry for him now?”

“I don’t feel sorry for him. I love him,” Lucie cried.

Rosemary tilted her head dubiously. “You really love my son?”

“I’ve always loved him!” As much as it hurt, Lucie felt an intense relief to finally say it.

“So why did you tell him you didn’t? Why did you have to go and break my boy’s heart?”

Lucie crumbled onto the sofa. “I don’t know. I was confused, I was ashamed. I was afraid of what my family would say …”

“Your family? Do you mean your mother?”

“My mother, yes, but also my extended family. You don’t know what it’s like for me. Ever since I was little, it’s always seemed like my mother’s only wanted me to be around my dad’s family. It’s as though Mom’s ashamed of her Chinese roots—I hardly ever see my Chinese grandparents. I know she rebelled against her parents by marrying my dad, and I didn’t think she’d ever want me to fall in love with a Chinese boy either. And I thought my father’s family would be disappointed in me if I didn’t marry some billionaire prince. I’ve been in a no-win situation all my life. My Chinese relatives treat me like I’m some sort of precious unicorn, too good to be one of them, and my WASP relatives treat me like I’m not good enough for them,” Lucie cried.

Rosemary put her arms around Lucie as her tears kept falling. “You poor muddled girl! You’ve been deluded into being racist toward yourself! You don’t even know how strong your mother is. She’s not ashamed of her Asian roots at all! Do you want to know what she told me a few weeks ago? We had a long talk late one night on the beach, and she told me she made a decision to sacrifice her own family so that you and Freddie could spend as much time as you could with your Churchill family. Because she felt that you got plenty of Chinese influence with her at home, she wanted the both of you to maintain as strong of a link as possible to your father. She was so sad that you lost him at such a young age, and she felt terrible that she got so sick she couldn’t help you deal with it properly at the time.”

Lucie was stunned. “Why did she never tell me this?”

“I don’t know.” Rosemary sighed. “Why do mothers and their children never tell each other the most important things?”

They sat silently next to each other for a long while. As she dried her tears, Lucie spoke up again.

“Mrs. Zao, it’s my turn to say sorry. I’m so sorry for all I put you and George through. I never wanted to hurt him either, and I hope he’ll be able to forgive me.”

“I know he will.”

“I love your son, and I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks anymore!”

“No one will think anything, dear. They will keep loving you, and I know they will love my son. It makes me so sad that you’ve wasted so much time deceiving yourself thinking that it would be any different.”

Lucie broke into smile. Cornelia was right. She had done nothing but deceive herself, and the deception hadn’t just begun this summer. It has started all those years ago in Capri, at the moment she had been caught with George at Villa Jovis. That moment had changed everything. It had threatened to explode her whole world, and it sent her into a tailspin. It had forced her unconsciously to lock up her body and soul, and it made her seek out safe harbor with Cecil Pike, a man who she knew could never break her heart.

“I don’t know what came over me, Mrs. Zao. It’s like I’ve been trapped in a bubble for so long … since Capri, actually … It’s like I’ve been sleepwalking through my life ever since.”

“I understand. Something fateful happened in Capri that changed you and George. It changed the both of you forever.”