Haruki Murakami - Kafka on the Shore

"Nakata's thinking the same thing."

"If it's sex, then you just have to wait till they get it out of their system and they'll be back. You do understand what I mean by sex?"

"I haven't done it myself, but I think I understand. It has to do with your weenie, right?"

"That's right. It's all about the weenie." Otsuka nodded, a serious look on his face. "But if we're talking about an accident, you might never see her again."

"That's true."

"Also, sometimes when a cat's on the prowl for sex it might wander off and have trouble finding its way back home again."

"If Nakata went out of Nakano Ward, finding my way home wouldn't be easy."

"That's happened to me a few times. Course that was a long time ago, when I was much younger," Otsuka said, eyes narrowed as he searched his memory. "Once you're lost, you panic. You're in total despair, not knowing what to do. I hate it when that happens. Sex can be a real pain that way, course when you get in the mood all you can think about is what's right under your nose-that's sex, all right. So that cat-what was her name? The one that's lost?"

"Do you mean Goma?"

"Yes, of course. Goma. I'd like to do what I can to help you find her. A young tortoiseshell cat like that, with some nice family taking care of her, wouldn't know the first thing about making her way in the world. Wouldn't be able to fight off anybody or fend for herself, the poor thing. Unfortunately, however, I've never seen her. I think you might want to search somewhere else."

"Well, then, I suppose I should follow your advice and go to some other place to look. Nakata's very sorry to have interrupted your nap. I'm sure I'll stop by here again sometime, so if you spot Goma in the meantime, please let me know. I'd like to give you something for your help."

"No need-I enjoyed talking with you. Feel free to drop by again. On sunny days this is where you'll mostly find me. When it rains I'm generally in that shrine over there where the steps go down."

"Well, thank you very much. Nakata was very happy, too, to be able to talk with you, Mr. Otsuka. I can't always speak so easily to every cat I meet. Sometimes when I try the cat is on his guard and runs away without saying a word. When all I ever said was hello."

"I can well imagine. There're all sorts of cats-just like there're all sorts of people."

"That's exactly right. Nakata feels the same way. There are all kinds of people in the world, and all kinds of cats."

Otsuka stretched and looked up at the sky. Golden sunlight filled the vacant lot but the air held a hint of rain, something Otsuka was able to sense. "Didn't you say that when you were little you had an accident, and that's why you're not so smart?"

"Yes, that's right. That's exactly what Nakata said. I had an accident when I was nine years old."

"What sort of accident?"

"Nakata can't really remember. They don't know why, but I had a high fever for about three weeks. I was unconscious the whole time. I was asleep in a bed in a hospital, they told me, with an intra venus in me. And when I finally woke up, I couldn't remember a thing. I'd forgotten my father's face, my mother's face, how to read, how to add, what my house looked like inside. Even my own name. My head was completely empty, like a bathtub after you pull the plug. They tell me before the accident Nakata always got good grades. But once I collapsed and woke up I was dumb. My mother died a long time ago, but she used to cry about this a lot. Because I got stupid. My father never cried, but he was always angry."

"Instead of being smart, though, you found yourself able to talk with cats."

"That's correct."

"Interesting…"

"Besides that, I'm always healthy and haven't been sick once. I don't have any cavities, and don't have to wear glasses."

"As far as I can tell, you seem fairly intelligent."

"Is that so?" Nakata said, inclining his head. "Nakata's well past sixty now, Mr. Otsuka. Once I got past sixty I was quite used to being dumb, and people not having anything to do with me. You can survive without riding trains. Father's dead, so nobody hits me anymore. Mother's dead too, so she doesn't cry. So actually, if you say I'm pretty smart, it's a bit upsetting. You see, if I'm not dumb then the Governor won't give me a sub city anymore, and no more special bus pass. If the Governor says, You're not dumb after all, then Nakata doesn't know what to say. So this is fine, being dumb."

"What I'm trying to say is your problem isn't that you're dumb," Otsuka said, an earnest look on his face.

"Really?"

"Your problem is that your shadow is a bit-how should I put it? Faint. I thought this the first time I laid eyes on you, that the shadow you cast on the ground is only half as dark as that of ordinary people."

"I see…"

"I ran across another person like that once."

Mouth slightly ajar, Nakata stared at Otsuka. "You mean you saw somebody like Nakata?"

"Yes, I did. That's why I wasn't so surprised that you could talk to cats."

"When was that?"

"A long time ago, when I was still a youngster. But I can't remember the details-the person's face or name or where and when we met. As I said before, cats don't have that sort of memory."

"I see."

"That person's shadow, too, looked like half of it had gotten separated from him. It was as faint as yours."

"I see."

"What I think is this: You should give up looking for lost cats and start searching for the other half of your shadow."

Nakata tugged a few times at the bill of his hat in his hands. "To tell the truth, Nakata's had that feeling before. That my shadow is weak. Other people might not notice, but I do."

"That's good, then," the cat said.

"But I'm already old, and may not live much longer. Mother's already dead. Father's already dead. Whether you're smart or dumb, can read or can't, whether you've got a shadow or not, once the time comes, everybody passes on. You die and they cremate you. You turn into ashes and they bury you at a place called Karasuyama. Karasuyama's in Setagaya Ward. Once they bury you there, though, you probably can't think about anything anymore. And if you can't think, then you can't get confused. So isn't the way I am now just fine? What I can do, while I'm alive, is never go out of Nakano Ward. But when I die, I'll have to go to Karasuyama. That can't be helped."

"What you think about it is entirely up to you, of course," Otsuka said, and again began licking the pads of his paw. "Though you should consider how your shadow feels about it. It might have a bit of an inferiority complex-as a shadow, that is. If I were a shadow, I know I wouldn't like to be half of what I should be."

"I understand," Nakata said. "You may well be right. Nakata's never thought about it. I'll think about it more after I get home."

"An excellent idea."

The two of them were silent for a while. Nakata quietly stood up, carefully brushing away stray bits of grass from his trousers, and put on his threadbare hat. He adjusted it a few times, until he got the angle just right. He shouldered his canvas bag and said, "Thank you very kindly. Nakata really values your opinions, Mr. Otsuka. I hope you stay happy and well."

"You too."

After Nakata left, Otsuka lay down again in the grass and closed his eyes. There was still some time before the clouds would come and the rain would start. His mind a blank, he fell asleep for a short nap.

At seven-fifteen I eat breakfast in the restaurant next to the lobby-toast, hot milk, ham and eggs. But this free hotel breakfast doesn't come close to filling me up. The food's all gone before I realize it, and I'm still hungry. I look around, and seconds on toast don't seem likely to materialize. I let out a big sigh.