Patrick McCabe - The Butcher Boy

I nearly ran into the ditch three or four times look out says I but there wasn't a sinner to be seen Khrushchev hasn't much work to do about this place its done already I said next thing down the hill whee and off out into the open country again cows looking over ditches, where are you off to Francie mind your own business you nosey heifer bastards, watch out dandelions here I come! I couldn't stop laughing with all the whiskey inside me and the wind in my face and the pebbles skitting on all sides end of the world I says what are they talking about this is the beginning of the world, not the end.

Am I right Joe?

Yup! Francie boy says Joe.

Khruschev hadn't much work to do in Bundoran either all you could see was two bits of newspaper wrestling in the middle of the main street, one boat in the harbour and nothing in the carnival park only a caravan with no wheels and a skinny mongrel tied to a fence. The houses were grey and blue and wet and in a sulk for the winter. Boo hoo nobody comes to stay in us any more. I wondered where it was they said the rosary. I dropped a spit into a rock pool, spidery tentacles and all these coral colours shifting in there. Are you prepared to live on potatoes and salt for the rest of your days, Annie? Is that the best you can offer a girl Benny Brady?

They were lying there on the candlewick bedspread and they could hear people drifting home from the dancehall until it got bright. Outside the window the sea ssh ssh was all you could hear. I knew what the boarding house was called. Over the Waves. I didn't know where it was but did that matter? Ting-a-ling! It wouldn't take old Mr Snort long to find a boarding house, no sir. Excuse me sir I need your assistance with a small matter. Yes my dear fellow how can I help you?

Algernon Carruthers. Tick tick tick whee along the beach shingle clattering against the spokes. Frawnthith my boy I do believe its time we ate.

I went into the hotel and sat down all plink plonk xylophone sounds and cutlery rattling far away. Well says the girl what would you like everything I says. What do you mean everything I says rashers eggs sausages beans and tea all that. She scribbles in the notebook. You're a hungry customer she says. I am, I said, sticking the napkin into my collar, I could eat a live hen.

There was a businessman with a bald head and glasses sitting down the other end. He looked like Humpty Dumpty's brother. I thought maybe he was in town leading the investigation. I know who did it! I seen them pushing your brother! I'd tell him. But he was leading no investigation. He was just reading the Irish Times. I could see what was on the front of it from where I was sitting. Crisis in Cuba – New Fears. New Fears? That was a laugh. I never felt better. If they said to me: Go on out and shoot all the communists for us Francie! I would have said: Sure bud. I says to Humpty: I'm the man to do it! I'll knock a bit of sense into them. Oho yes! Make no mistake about that! He lifted his glasses and looked down at me. I think I must have looked a bit of a sketch with the stew and all on my good jacket and the smell of brock I don't know if he could get that or not. But I could get it myself so I'd say he could. But what did I care? Brock? What has that got to do with it now? Fuck Brock!

I wanted to leap into the air like Green Lantern or the Human Torch and land at Humpty's table. OK Humpty let's talk about your brother! I want the lowdown on these communists and I want it now!

But that was time enough. I didn't want to give old Humpty a heart attack. I stuffed the napkin into my collar and says: Oho but they're the curs, they're the bad wicked animals but Humpty never let on he heard me. But they've met their match this time. Oh yes, yes indeed. They've gone too far this time! John F. Kennedy. I said it like John Wayne, John Ayuff Kennedy. Yup! I said, they shore hay-yuv!

He gave the newspaper a stiff shake and up goes the glasses will you please keep quiet can't you see I'm trying to read.

The girl brought his breakfast and he folded up the newspaper what does he do then only lick his lips. Ah! he says, all delighted now. Then I pointed to it and laughed I says a good feed you can't beat it but he didn't say anything all I could hear was the clink of his fork munch munch.

Then I said: This is the place! This is it!

He looks at me with a rasher wobbling in front of his nose.

This is the place what? he says.

Where they spent their honeymoon of course!

What do you mean, honeymoon? Where who spent their honeymoon?

He hadn't a clue what I was talking about so I had to tell him the whole story right from the start.

I see he says and kept on looking at me but I knew he wasn't listening to the story half the time. So there you are, I says. Now I have to find the boarding house where they stayed. Over the Waves it was called. Do you know where it is?

No, he says I know nothing about this town I'm only here on business.

I was going to say all right all right there's no need to lose the head Humpty but I didn't get a chance for next thing up he gets and wipes his mouth and away off muttering with half the breakfast still lying there on the plate after him. That was a lot of use. Then the girl came back so I asked her. She said she didn't know but she could find out. I suppose you'll be here for a while she says looking at the big pile of stuff on the plate. Now you said it I said and started into it with the fork. I was scraping up the last bit of egg when she comes back with the manager. I understand you're looking for someplace I know Bundoran like the back of my hand. Where's Over the Waves I says bedad now and you have me there he says and scrunches up his face and starts all this scratching. I'll tell you what though, I could find out for you. I got more tea and then back he comes with this old lad he must have been about a hundred years of age. This man knows every mountain in Donegal, he says and your man looks at me with a face on him: I'm famous!

Yes! he says, Its true I do know every mountain in Donegal! whatever good that was, knowing mountains. But I didn't care he could know about any mountains he wanted all I wanted was the boarding house. When I said Over the Waves his face lit up aha! he says don't I know it well, I pass it every day on me way down from the post office. There you are! beams the manager, what did I tell you and the girl in behind him saying don't forget me now like a magician's assistant.

The old lad hobbled along beside me on the esplanade he was a bit like the gardener in the school for pigs for he was all talk about Michael Collins too except that he said he was the worst bastard ever was put on this earth because he sold out the country. Now you said it I said, and what about De Valera? When I said that he was away off again but I wasn't listening to a word he said. I was all jiggy and sparky again all I could think of was Over the Waves Over the Waves that was where it all began. Your man was still going Free Staters, he says, I'd give them two in the head apiece. There's the place you want he says, stabbing at it with his stick, down at the far end there. Its a bit of a walk but sure you have your health it'll not knock a flitter out of you. I nearly knocked him over the railings into the sea I was so excited. I walked up and down past the houses I don't know how many times. I'd look in the window and then look away again. I went in behind a parked car and tried to scrape off some of the dried stew on my jacket. It wouldn't come off so I had to go at it with a piece of broken lollystick. I thought to myself: That's a good one because I think it was a lollystick me and Joe were hacking at the ice with that day. I think it was. I'm nearly sure it was. All you could see was brass pots and big plants big rubber plants and pictures of horses or yachts hanging in the shadows but it didn't matter the houses were still in a sulk and they weren't going to come out of it no matter what you did. Look at us, they said. You won't get better houses than us and look not a sinner comes to stay. I'll tell you what I'll do houses I said. I'll click my Time Lord fingers and then what? Streams of children running round the place shouting look at me look at me sliding down the banisters and everything! Click and away off with the chairoplanes in the carnival and the whirligigs of the carousel wrapping up the town like a present in bright musical ribbons. Sea! I'd cry, big foamy breakers roaring in to crash against the sea wall. Delighted shrieks all along the strand. Boats by the dozen way out on the horizon. Trips around the lighthouse roll up! Oh yes you did Punch. Oh no I didn't. Oh yes you did Punch! Oh no I didn't youse bunch of cheeky little bastards!