Christopher Buckley - Boomsday

In the days following, she consulted with gerontologists, economists, actuaries, the Congressional Budget Office, people who’d worked at the White House Office of Management and Budget, theologians and ministers (so that she could say she had), and even someone who’d worked at a penitentiary putting people on death row to sleep (another good footnote).

As she worked furiously, there came a moment-toward dawn, as the birds began their cheeping, the sound of life primordial beginning all over again-when she looked up from her warm laptop and asked herself, What are you doing ? But she had an answer, and soon her fingers were clicking away on the keys, fortissimo.

She was about to post it on CASSANDRA when she decided-once again-to wait and post it at a more respectable hour than 5:22 a.m. It was as she lay with her head on the pillow, drifting into postponed sleep, that the notions of volunteers came to her. She was so excited that she got out of bed, made herself a Red Bull smoothie, and paced the apartment trying to figure out this part.

“From Washington, tonight, a novel proposal on how to solve the Social Security crisis. For that story, we go now to our correspondent, Betsy Blarkin.”

“Thanks, Katie. Cassandra Devine, the twenty-nine-year-old blogger who calls herself CASSANDRA, is back in the news. Last month, she urged young people not to pay taxes and to storm the gates of Boomer retirement communities.

“At a press conference today, she unveiled a plan that, she says, would solve the problem by making the government solvent .

“Her solution? The government should offer incentives to retiring Boomers-to kill themselves.”

“‘Americans are living longer. Okay, but why should my generation spend our lives in hock subsidizing their longevity? They want to live forever-we’re saying, let them pay for it.’”

“Under Devine’s plan, the government would completely eliminate estate taxes for anyone who kills themself at age seventy. Anyone agreeing to commit suicide at age sixty-five would receive a bonus, including a two-week, all-expenses-paid ‘farewell honeymoon.’

“‘ Our grandparents grew up in the Depression and fought in World War Two. They were the so-called Greatest Generation. Our parents, the Baby Boomers, dodged the draft, snorted cocaine, made self-indulgence a virtue. I call them the Ungreatest Generation. Here’s their chance, finally, to give something back.’”

“Devine has even come up with a better term for suicide: ‘Voluntary Transitioning.’ I spoke with her earlier today after her press conference…

“Ms. Devine, do you expect anyone to take this proposal of yours seriously?”

“Well, Betsy, you’re interviewing me on network television, so I’d say that’s a good start. If you’re asking why am I proposing that Americans kill themselves in large numbers, my answer is, because of the refusal of the government, again and again, to act honestly and responsibly. When Social Security began, there were fifteen workers to support one retiree. Now there are three workers per retiree. Soon it will be two. You can run from that kind of math, but you can’t hide. It means that someone my age will have to spend their entire life paying unfair taxes, just so the Boomers can hit the golf course at sixty-two and drink gin and tonics until they’re ninety. What happened to the American idea of leaving your kids better off than you were? If the government has a better idea, hey, we’re all for it. Put it on the table. Meanwhile, we’re putting this on the table. And it’s not going away .”

“A number of experts that we spoke to, including Karl Kansteiner of the Rand Institute in Washington, actually agreed that such a measure, however drastic, would in fact solve the Social Security and U.S. budget crisis.”

“The average American now lives to seventy-eight, seventy-nine years old. Many live much longer. We currently are experiencing what could be called a surplus of octogenarians, nonagenarians, and even centenarians. If the government didn’t have to pay benefits to these elders, say, past the age of seventy, the savings would be vast. Enormous. Indeed, tempting. Certainly, it is not a solution for, shall we say, the faint of heart.”

“Others, like Gideon Payne of the Society for the Protection of Every Ribonucleic Molecule, call Devine’s idea ‘morally repugnant.’”

“Have we finally reached the point where we are advocating mass murder as a national policy ? This entire plan, this scheme, is an abomination in the eyes of the Almighty. I tremble for my country. This woman should be ashamed.”

“Cassandra Devine doesn’t appear in the least ashamed. Indeed, she seems quite determined. Katie?”

“Thank you, Betsy Blarkin in Washington, for that report. Finally, tonight, Wal-Mart announced that it has obtained permission to open a one-hundred-and-fifty-thousand-square-foot megastore on the Mall, in Washington.…”

“I’ll take two more questions. Anne?”

“What is the president’s position on her proposal?”

“What proposal? Whose proposal?”

“Voluntary Transitioning.”

“No. No, no, no. I’m not going to dignify that with a response.”

“What do the president’s economic advisers have to say about it?”

“They don’t- Look, there are no conversations about this…no one in the White House is having discussions about this. No one in the White House, or, or anywhere in the entire U.S. government-”

“Are you saying that the president isn’t discussing with his advisers the Social Security crisis? The stock market fell another five hundred points yesterday on news that the Nippon Bank-”

“I didn’t say that. Don’t put words in my mouth. Please. I’ll take one more.”

“Has he talked to anyone about Voluntary Transitioning?”

“All right, that’s it. We’re done. This briefing is over. Thank you. Good morning.”

“Maybe,” Terry said to Cass as they watched it all on C-SPAN, “the line dividing reality from absurdity in this country has finally disappeared. I guess it was inevitable, the way things were going.”

“I don’t know,” Cass said. “Maybe it just shows that people are tired of hearing the same old bullshit.”

“Right. They demand fresh bullshit.”

“Is it?”

Terry stared at his protйgйe. “Whoa. You been drinking your own Kool-Aid? I warned you about that.”

“Come on. We did it. It’s on the table. They’re certainly talking about it.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“They asked me to be on Greet the Press this Sunday.”

“Well, well. Very good. Who else they having on?”

“Director of the Office of Management and Budget. Gideon Payne.”

“The White House must be pretty freaked out if they’re sending the OMB director out to do battle. He’ll dismiss you as a nut.”

“I’ll say, ‘You’re borrowing two billion dollars a day from foreign banks-or were, until they stopped lending it to you-and I’m the nut? Okay, let’s hear your solution. Other than making twenty-year-olds pay for thirty years of incontinence.’ I’ll tell him, ‘Hold on, pal. You’re the budget director of a locomotive headed off the cliff, in the middle of an earthquake, on fire-’”

“Easy on the metaphors.”

“Whatever. But it is a runaway train. The White House is talking about wage and price controls. They’re desperate.”

“They’re also leaking it that it wasn’t their idea to let you walk. I wouldn’t go making them too mad, if I were you. And watch out for Payne.”