Audrey Niffenegger - Her Fearful Symmetry

An idea was forming in Julia’s mind. “I won’t. But would you take vitamins if I got you some?”

Martin turned back to the screen. He was building the grid for a crossword. He clicked and three squares went black. “Maybe. I’m not very good at remembering to take pills.”

“I could remind you. It could be my job.”

“I suppose it’s easier than actually eating fruit and veg.”

Julia said, “Okay, I’ll go to Boots tomorrow.” She hesitated. “Are you going to work all night?”

“Yes, I should have started this yesterday, but I got sidetracked. It’s due day after tomorrow.” Martin made a note on his handwritten sketch of the crossword. “If you want to watch TV, go ahead.”

“No, I don’t feel like watching by myself. I’ll go downstairs to read.”

“Well, sorry to be such poor company, but I really do have to finish this or my editor will be at my door with a truncheon.”

“S’okay.” By the time Julia was back in her own flat her plan was complete.

“You can’t do that,” Valentina said when Julia told her. “You can’t just give him medicine and not tell him.”

“Why not? He says refusing treatment is part of the disease. So I’m going to sneak it into him. He’ll be glad when it works and he can go outside.”

“What about side effects? What if he’s allergic? And how are you going to get your hands on medicine for obsessive compulsive disorder, anyway?”

“We’ll just go to the doctor and pretend to have OCD. I’ve been reading about it, it’s not hard to fake. I was thinking I would tell the doctor I’m super afraid of snakes. And maybe pluck out all my eyebrows.”

“Whadaya mean we ? I’m not going with you.” Valentina held onto the arms of her chair as though she thought Julia might pull her out of it.

Julia shrugged. “Okay, fine. I’ll go by myself.”

It was much more complicated than she had anticipated, but Julia did eventually manage to get a prescription for Anafranil. She decanted the capsules into a vitamin bottle and presented herself in Martin’s office one evening after dinner.

“Look, I remembered,” she said, shaking the bottle so the pills rattled.

He was bent over some photographs, lost in another language. “Sorry, what? Oh, hello, Julia. What’s that? That’s very kind, thank you. Here, I’ll put them next to the computer so I remember to take them.”

“No,” said Julia. “I’ll keep them and make sure you take them. That’s our deal, right?”

“Was it?” he said. She went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. When she handed him one capsule and the glass, Martin let the pill rest in his palm and glanced at it. He looked up at her inquisitively but didn’t say anything.

“Aren’t you going to take it?” she asked nervously. ANAFRANIL 25 MG was printed right on the capsule; she was counting on Martin’s near-sightedness to conceal that.

“Hmm? Oh, yes.” He put the pill in his mouth and gulped it down with water. “There you are, Nurse.”

Julia laughed. “You look better already.” She rattled the vitamin bottle flirtatiously and went downstairs. Valentina was sitting on the floor of Elspeth’s office peering into her laptop.

“You’re going to kill him,” Valentina said.

“No, I’m not. What are you talking about?”

“Look at this.” Valentina swivelled her computer towards Julia, who sat on the floor next to her. “Look at the side effects.”

Julia read. Blurred vision, constipation, nausea, vomiting, allergies, heart palpitations… It was a long list. She looked at Valentina. “I’m up there a lot. I see him more than a doctor would. I just have to monitor him, that’s all.”

“What if he has a heart attack?”

“That’s probably not going to happen.”

“What if he gets seizures? He’s not going to tell you if he’s suddenly impotent or constipated.”

“I just gave him a little dose.”

Valentina logged off and shut down the computer. She stood up.

“You’re an idiot,” she told Julia. “You can’t just decide things for people. And you look weird without eyebrows.”

“You haven’t even met him,” Julia said, but Valentina had already left the room. Julia heard her walking through the flat, out the front door and down the stairs. “Fine,” Julia said. “Be like that. You’ll see.”

R OBERT’S BIRTHDAY dawned clear and balmy. He had gone to sleep at a reasonable hour the night before, so he bounded out of bed feeling oddly joyous and expectant. “ Dadadadadada-blahblahblahblah BIRTHDAY …” He sang in the shower and ate a soft-boiled egg and toast. He spent a luxurious morning rewriting the chapter of his thesis devoted to Stephen Geary, Highgate Cemetery’s architect. He presented himself at the cemetery before noon and pottered in the archives with James until it was time to give the two o’clock tour. All the familiar memorials seemed to salute him: Eventually you’ll be dead, too, but not today. When he returned from the tour he found the ground-floor office empty except for Nigel, the cemetery’s manager, and a young couple who were discussing the funeral arrangements for their baby. Robert hastily withdrew and went upstairs.

Valentina was perched on one of the office chairs, effacing herself. Jessica was on the phone; Felicity was making tea and talking softly to George, the stone carver, about a memorial he was designing; James called down to Jessica from the archives; Edward was photocopying and Phil was unboxing a cake. Thomas and Matthew came in, rather shyly, and the office seemed suddenly overfull as the burial team seldom came indoors and both of them were very tall.

“Look,” said Phil. “I had them do the Egyptian Avenue in icing.”

“Wow,” said Robert. “That’s really-unappetising.”

“Yeah,” Phil said. “Grey icing is not enticing.”

Felicity laughed when she saw the cake. Then everyone shushed, remembering the bereaved parents in Nigel’s office below. “That’s brilliant,” she said in a whisper. She started placing little pink candles on the cake. Jessica put the phone down and said, “Behave yourselves,” to no one in particular. She winked at Valentina and went downstairs.

The only people Valentina had met before besides Robert were Jessica and Felicity. When Robert came in he’d smiled at her and Valentina felt a jolt of confidence. She watched with surprise as Robert bantered with Phil and parried jokes about his advancing mortality with Thomas and Matthew. It’s like being a zoologist, watching the rare animal in its natural habitat. Robert didn’t seem at all shy here. He summoned Valentina from her chair in the corner and began to introduce her around, one hand touching her back lightly. Valentina was excited to be seen by Robert’s friends as part of a couple, even as she was conscious of how much this would have irritated her if it was Julia claiming her instead of Robert.

James came down from the archives and gingerly settled at Jessica’s desk. Jessica walked into the office followed by Nigel. “Oh-” he said. “What’s the occasion, then?”

“We’re having a twentieth of April party, Nigel,” Felicity said. “Didn’t you bring your costume?”

“It’s Robert’s birthday,” James told him.

“Of course it is,” said Nigel regretfully. “I’m afraid my mind’s somewhere else.”

“Is it all arranged?” James asked.

“Yes,” he replied. “The funeral is on Monday at eleven.” A pall came over the office; no one liked babies’ funerals. Robert thought, It always rains when we bury the babies. Then he thought that couldn’t be true really. But I’ll bring an umbrella just in case.