Audrey Niffenegger - Her Fearful Symmetry

“Yeah, a little,” she said. They went back up the steps. It was a relief to Valentina to be walking. She was unsure of the protocol; she thought he would kiss her, but would he expect more than that? Did he imagine she would go home with him? Did he understand how impossible that would be? What time is it? Julia would be upset if she wasn’t home soon. She’s upset anyway, but she’ll totally freak out… Valentina tried to read Robert’s watch without him seeing. Then she remembered where she was and turned to see Big Ben. It was almost midnight. They walked past Waterloo Bridge, Blackfriars Bridge. Her feet were on fire. He was talking to her about an exhibit he’d seen at Tate Modern. She looked at each bench they passed with longing. They were near London Bridge when she said, “Can we sit down?”

“Oh,” he said, realising. “I’m awfully sorry-I forgot about your shoes.”

Valentina sank onto a bench and slipped her feet out of the shoes. She wriggled her toes and rotated her ankles. Robert stooped and picked up the shoes. He sat beside her, a hand in each shoe. The shoes were warm and a little damp. “Your poor feet,” he said.

“They aren’t my shoes,” she said.

“I know.” He put Elspeth’s shoes on the bench. “Here,” he said, holding out his hands. “Give me your feet.”

She looked dubious but complied. He eased her around so she was leaning back on her elbows with her feet in his lap.

“Could you take off your stockings?”

“Don’t look,” she said.

He began to massage her feet. At first she watched him, but soon she let her head hang back and all he could see was her long neck and her little pointed chin. He gave himself over to her feet, feeling that he had achieved a new level of debauchery, giving a foot massage to a young girl in public. I wonder if they arrest people for this? He stopped thinking. The world shrank to their bench, her feet, his hands.

Valentina raised her head. She was dizzy and deeply relaxed. Robert leaned down and kissed her feet. “There you are,” he said.

“Oh my God,” she said. “I don’t think I can walk.”

“I’ll carry you,” he said, and he did.

It was almost 2 a.m. when Julia and Elspeth heard footsteps on the stairs. Julia jumped out of bed, unsure if she should go to meet Valentina or wait for her. Elspeth flew to the hall and saw the door open slowly; she saw that Robert was carrying Valentina; she saw him deposit her gently onto her bare feet, she saw Valentina teeter slightly, a shoe in each hand, and Elspeth knew as though she had seen it exactly what had passed between them. Valentina stood peering into the dark flat. She turned to Robert and gave him a small wave. He bowed slightly to her with a smile, handed her her stockings and went downstairs. Valentina stepped into the flat and closed the door. She made no sound as she walked into the bedroom.

Elspeth stayed in the hall. She had no appetite for the fight the twins were about to have. Been there, done that. She wanted to leave the flat, to be alone, to sort herself out. She wanted to find Robert and plead with him. But what would I ask of him? What would I say? Elspeth wanted a stiff drink, a good long cry in the bath. She wanted to walk until she was exhausted enough to sleep. Instead she went into her office and looked out at the front garden in the moonlight. Let me go, she asked of whatever it was that held her here. I want to die now, please; really die and be gone. She waited, but there was no response. Please, God, or whoever you are, please let me go. She looked out at the garden, up at the sky. Nothing happened. She understood then that no one was listening. Anything that happened to her now would be her own doing.

Valentina crept into the bedroom, still holding the shoes and stockings. Julia sat on the bed in her pyjamas, feet dangling. She turned as Valentina came in. “Do you know what time it is?”

“No.”

“It’s nearly two a.m.”

“Oh.”

Julia hopped off the bed. Valentina thought, I can use the shoes to defend myself if she tries to hit me. They stood facing each other, each reluctant to say the next words that would provoke the argument. Julia thought, We should just go to bed. But she couldn’t resist saying, “Is that all you have to say? ‘Oh’?” She mimicked Valentina’s attempt at innocence. Oh, oh, oh.

Valentina shrugged. “It’s not like I have a curfew. And you aren’t my mom. And even if you were my mom, I’m twenty-one years old.” So whatcha gonna do about it, huh, Julia?

“It’s common courtesy to let me know when you’re coming home, otherwise I worry.” I’m more than Mom. You can’t just go off on your own.

“That’s not my problem. You knew where I was and who I was with.” You don’t own me.

“You went out for dinner. Dinner doesn’t last until two a.m.!” What were you doing for seven hours?

“I went out on a date and none of this is any of your business!” Let go of me!

“It is! What do you mean?” We don’t have secrets from each other ever.

“Don’t you think it’s time we started having our own lives?” Oh, God, just let go, Julia.

“We do! We have our own lives together-” Valentina!

“That’s not what I mean!” Valentina threw the shoes across the room. They bounced harmlessly on the carpet. “You know what I mean-I want my own life. I want privacy! I’m sick of being half a person.” She burst into tears. Julia stepped towards her and Valentina shrieked, “Don’t touch me! Don’t-” and ran out of the room.

Julia stood with her arms at her sides, her eyes closed. Tomorrow she’ll be normal. It will be like this didn’t happen. She got back into bed and lay there trying to hear Valentina somewhere in the flat. Eventually she fell asleep and dreamt she was upstairs in Martin’s flat, wandering by herself through the endless paths between the piles of boxes.

Valentina put herself to bed in the spare bedroom. The sheets were clammy and she felt oddly sophisticated sleeping in her underwear. I can’t remember ever sleeping by myself. She was too excited to actually sleep. The fight with Julia occupied her mind; the evening with Robert seemed weeks ago, a dim and pleasant interlude in the real battle. She saw herself as rational and victorious: I won, she thought. I said exactly what I wanted to say. She was wrong. She knew I was right. From now on things will be different.

In the morning the twins met shyly in the kitchen. They made scrambled eggs and toast, and had their breakfast together in the cold light of the dining room without saying very much. Things between them went back to normal, but things were different.

Y OU LOOK terrible,” Julia said to Martin a few days later. “I’m going to buy you some vitamins.”

“Now you sound like Marijke.”

“Is that good or bad?” They were in Martin’s office. It was late afternoon; Valentina was at the cemetery with Robert, so Julia had come upstairs like a stray creature, complaining loudly that she had been deserted and hoping that Martin would watch TV with her. But Martin was working, so she hovered around him, bored but expectant.

Martin smiled and swivelled to look at her. In the dim light of the computer screen he seemed otherworldly; Julia thought him beautiful, though she knew it was the beauty of damage. His face was bluish and his hands were an extraordinary blood-orange colour in the warm desk-lamp light. “It’s nice. It’s good to have someone worry about me, just a bit. I wouldn’t want you to worry too much, though.”