Charles Bukowski - Factotum

I dug into my crotch with my fingers and I found something. I pulled it out. I dropped it into the palm of one hand and looked at it. It was white and had many tiny legs. It moved. It fascinated me. Then suddenly it leaped to the tile of the bathroom floor. I stared at it. With one quick leap it was gone. Probably back into my pubic hair! I felt sickened and angered. I stood there searching for it. I couldn't find it. My stomach quivered. I gagged into the toilet and dressed again.

The corner drugstore wasn't far. There was an old woman and an old man standing behind the counter. The woman came over. "No," I said, "I want to talk to him." "Oh," she said.

The old man walked over. He was the pharmacist. He looked very clean. "I'm the victim of an inequity," I told him.

"What?"

"Now look, do you have anything for…"

"For what?"

"Spiders, fleas… gnats, nits…"

"For what?"

"_Do you have anything for crabs?_"

The old man gave me a disgusted look. "Wait here," he said. He got something out from under the end of the counter. He came back and standing as far away from me as possible he handed me a little green and black cardboard box. I accepted it humbly. I handed him a $5 bill. I received my change at arm's length. The old woman had backed away into a corner of the drugstore. I felt like a holdup man.

"Wait," I said to the old man.

"What is it now?"

"I want some rubbers."

"How many?"

"Oh, a pack, a handful."

"Wet or dry?"

"What?"

"Wet or dry?"

"Give me the wet."

The old man gingerly handed me the rubbers. I handed him the money. Once again he handed me the change at arm's length. I walked out. As I walked down the street I took the rubbers out and looked at them. Then I threw them into the gutter.

Back at the apartment I stripped down and read the instructions. It said to apply the ointment to the invaded parts and wait thirty minutes. I turned the radio on, found a symphony, and squeezed the ointment out of the tube. It was green. I applied it thoroughly. Then I lay down on the bed and looked at the clock. Thirty minutes. Hell, I hated those crabs, I'd take an hour's worth. After forty-five minutes it started to burn. I'll kill every one of those fuckers, I thought. The burning increased. I rolled over on the bed and clenched my fists. I listened to Beethoven. I listened to Brahms, I hung on. I barely made the hour. I filled the tub and jumped in and washed the ointment off. When I got out of the tub I couldn't walk. The insides of my thighs were burned, my balls were burned, my belly was burned, I was a bright flaming red, I looked like an orangutang. I moved very slowly toward the bed. But I had killed the crabs, I had watched them go down the bathtub drain.

When Jan got home I was squirming on the bed. She stood looking at me. "What is it?" I rolled and cursed.

"You fucking whore! Look what you've _done_ to me!"

I leaped up. I showed Jan the insides of my thighs, my belly, my balls. My balls dangled in red agony. My pecker was flaming.

"God! What is it?"

"Don't you know? Don't you know? _I_ haven't fucked anybody else! I got it from YOU! You're a _carrier_, a disease ridden _slut!_"

"What?"

"The crabs, the crabs, you gave me the CRABS!"

"No, I don't have the crabs. Geraldine must have them."

"What?"

"I stayed with Geraldine, I must have gotten them sitting on Geraldine's toilet."

I threw myself down on the bed. "Oh, don't give me any of that shit! Go get us something to drink! There's not a fucking thing to drink around here!"

"I don't have any money."

"Take it out of my wallet. You know how to do that. And hurry! Something to drink! I'm dying!"

Jan left. I could hear her running down the stairs. The radio now played Mahler.

I awakened sick the next morning. It had been nearly impossible to sleep with the sheet over me. The burns seemed a little better, however. I got up and vomited and looked at my face in the mirror. They had me. I didn't have a chance.

I lay back on the bed. Jan was snoring. She didn't snore loudly but her snoring was persistent. It was something like I'd imagine a small hog would snore. Almost snorts. I looked at her wondering who I had been living with. She had a small pug nose and her blonde hair was turning "mousey" as she described it, as it went gray. Her face was sagging, she was getting jowls, she was ten years older than I. It was only when she was made up and was dressed in a tight skirt and wearing high heels that she looked good. Her ass was still shapely as were her legs and she had a seductive wiggle when she walked. Now as I looked at her she didn't look so wonderful. She was sleeping partly on one side and her pot belly was hanging out. She was a marvelous fuck, though. I had never had a better fuck. It was the way she took it. She really digested a fuck. Her hands would grip me and her pussy clutched just as hard. Most fucks are really nothing, they are mostly labor, like trying to climb a very steep, muddy hill. But not Jan.

The phone rang. It rang several times before I could struggle out of bed and answer it.

"Mr. Chinaski?"

"Yes?"

"This is the Times Building."

"Yes?"

"We've reviewed your application and would like to employ you."

"Reporter?"

"No, maintenance man and janitor."

"All right."

"Report to Superintendent Barnes at the south door at 9 p.m."

"O.K."

I hung up. The phone had awakened Jan.

"Who was that?"

"I've got a job and I can't even walk. I report tonight. I don't know what the hell."

I moved back toward the bed like a sore-assed turtle and fell on it.

"We'll think of something."

"I can't wear clothes. I don't know what to do."

We stretched out, staring at the ceiling. Jan got up and went to the bathroom. When she came back she said, "I've got it!"

"Yeah!"

"I'll wrap you in gauze."

"Think it will work?"

"Sure."

Jan got dressed and went to the store. She came back with gauze, adhesive tape, and a bottle of muscatel. She got some ice cubes, made us each a drink and found some scissors. "O.K., let's do you up."

"Now wait, I don't have to be down there until 9 p.m. It's a night job."

"But I want to practice. Come on."

"All right. Shit."

"Put one knee up."

"All right. Easy."

"There, around and around we go. The old merry-go-round."

"Did anybody ever tell you how funny you are?"

"No."

"That's understandable."

"There. A little adhesive tape. A little bit more adhesive tape. There. Now lift the other knee, lover."

"Never mind the romance."

"Around and around and around. Your big fat legs."

"Your big fat ass."

"Now, now, now, be nice, lover. Some more adhesive tape. And a little bit more. You're good as new!"

"Like hell."

"Now for the balls, your big red balls. You are just in time for Christmas!"

"Wait! What are you going to do to my balls?"

"I'm going to wrap them."

"Isn't that dangerous? It might affect my tap dancing."

"It won't hurt anything."

"They'll slip out."

"I'll put them into a nice cocoon."

"Before you do, get me another drink."

I sat up with the drink and she began to wrap me.

"Around and around and around. Poor little balls. Poor big balls. What have they done to you? Around and around and around we go. Now for a little adhesive. And some more. And some more."

"Don't tape my balls to my asshole."

"Silly! I wouldn't do that! I love you!"

"Yeah."

"Now get up and walk around. Try walking around."

I got up and walked around the room slowly. "Hey, this feels all right! I feel like a eunuch but I feel all right."

"Maybe the eunuchs have it made."