Charles Bukowski - Factotum

"Is it a big one?"

"Sure. Listen, did you pick up all those coins off the floor last night?"

"Yes," I said.

"It's better to take some and leave some."

"I guess you're right. Should I put some back?"

"If you get a chance."

I started to get up to get dressed when Jerry ran into the bedroom. "He's standing in front of the mirror adjusting his cap to the proper angle. We're going out on the yacht!"

"O.K., Jerry," said Laura.

We both began to get dressed. We were just in time. Wilbur didn't speak. He was hungover. We followed him down the stairway and into the garage where we got into an unbelievably old car. It was so old it had a rumble seat. Grace and Jerry got into the front seat with Wilbur and I got into the rumble seat with Laura. Wilbur backed out the driveway, headed south on Alvarado, and we were on our way to San Pedro.

"He's hungover and he's not drinking and when he's not drinking he doesn't want anybody else to drink either, the bastard. So watch it," said Laura.

"Hell, I need a drink."

"We all need a drink," she said. Laura took a pint from her purse and unscrewed the cap. She handed the bottle to me. "Now wait until he checks us in the rear-view mirror. Then the minute his eyes go back to the road, take a slug."

Soon I saw Wilbur's eyes looking at us in the rear-view mirror. Then he looked back at the road. I took a hit and felt much better. I handed the bottle back to Laura. She waited until Wilbur's eyes looked into the rear-view, then went back to the road. She had her turn. It was a pleasant journey. By the time we reached San Pedro the bottle was empty. Laura took out some gum, I lit a cigar, and we climbed out. As I helped Laura out of the rumble seat her skirt came up and I saw those long nylon legs, the knees, the slender ankles. I began to get horny and looked out over the water. There was the yacht: _The Oxwill_. It was the largest yacht in the harbor. A small motor boat took us out. We climbed aboard. Wilbur waved to some fellow boatmen and some wharf-rats and then he looked at me.

"How you feeling?"

"Great, Wilbur, great… like an Emperor."

"Come here, I want to show you something." We walked toward the back of the boat and Wilbur leaned down and pulled a ring. He pulled back a hatch cover. There were two motors down there. "I want to show you how to start this auxiliary motor in case anything goes wrong. It's not difficult. I can do it with one arm."

I stood there bored as Wilbur pulled at a rope. I nodded and told him that I understood. But that wasn't enough, he had to show me how to pull anchor and unmoor from the dock when all I wanted was another drink.

After all that, we pulled out and he stood there in the cabin with his sailor's cap on, steering the yacht. All the girls crowded around him.

"Oh, Willie, let me steer!"

"Willie, let _me_ steer!"

I didn't ask to steer. I didn't want to steer. I followed Laura down below. It was like a luxury hotel suite, only there were bunks on the wall, no beds. We went to the refrigerator. It was filled with food and drink. We found an open fifth of whiskey and took that out. We had a bit of whiskey and water. It seemed like a decent life. Laura turned on the record player and we listened to something called "Bonaparte's Retreat." Laura looked fine. She was happy and smiling. I leaned over and kissed her, ran my hand up her leg. Then I heard the engine cut off and Wilbur came down the steps.

"We're going back in," he said. He looked quite stern in his captain's cap.

"What for?" asked Laura.

"She's gone into one of her moods. I'm afraid she'll jump overboard. She won't speak to me. She just sits there, staring. She can't swim. I'm afraid she'll jump into the ocean."

"Listen, Wilbur," said Laura, "just give her ten bucks. She's got runs in her stockings."

"No, we're going in. Besides, you people have been _drinking!_"

Wilbur went back up the steps. The engine coughed and we turned around and headed back toward San Pedro.

"This happens everytime we try to go to Catalina. Grace goes into one of her moods and sits there staring at the ocean with that scarf tied around her head. That's how she gets things out of him. She's never going to jump overboard. She hates water."

"Well," I said, "we might as well have a few more drinks. When I think about writing lyrics to Wilbur's opera I realize how disgusting my life has become."

"We might as well drink up," said Laura, "he's mad now anyhow."

Jerry came down and joined us. "Grace is sore about that fifty bucks a month I'm getting out of his ass. Hell, it ain't that easy. The minute she's gone that old son of a bitch leaps on top of me and starts pumping. He never gets enough. He's afraid he's going to die and he wants to get in as many as possible."

She drank her shot and poured another one.

"I should have stayed in personnel at Sears Roebuck. I had a good thing going."

We all drank to that.

By the time we docked, Grace had joined us too. She still had the scarf around her head and she wasn't talking but she was drinking. We were all drinking. We were all drinking. when Wilbur came down the stairs. He stood there looking at us. "I'll be right back," he said.

That was in the afternoon. We waited and we drank. The girls started arguing about how they should handle Wilbur. I climbed into one of the bunks and went to sleep. When I awakened it was evening going into night and it was cold.

"Where's Wilbur?" I asked.

"He's not coming back," said Jerry, "he's mad."

"He'll be back," said Laura, "Grace is here."

"I don't give a damn if he never comes back," said Grace. "We got enough food and drink here to supply the whole Egyptian Army for a month."

So there I was in the biggest yacht in the harbor with three women. But it was very cold. It was the chill off the water. I got out of the bunk, got a drink, and crawled back into the bunk. "Jesus, it's cold," said Jerry, "let me get in there and warm up." She kicked off her shoes and climbed into the bunk with me. Laura and Grace were drunk and arguing about something. Jerry was small and round, very round, a snug type. She pushed against me.

"Jesus, it's cold. Put your arms around me."

"Laura…" I said.

"Fuck Laura."

"I mean, she might get mad."

"She won't get mad. We're friends. Look." Jerry sat up in the bunk. "Laura, Laura…"

"Yes?"

"Look, I'm trying to get warm. O.K.?"

"O.K.," said Laura.

Jerry snuggled back down under the covers. "See, she said it's O.K."

"All right," I said. I put my hand on her ass and kissed her.

"Just don't go too far," said Laura.

"He's just holding me," said Jerry.

I got my hand up under her dress and began working her panties down. It was difficult. By the time she kicked them off I was more than ready. Her tongue shot in and out of my mouth. We tried to look nonchalant while we did it sideways. I slipped out several times but Jerry put it back in. "Don't go too far," Laura said again. It slipped out and Jerry grabbed it and squeezed. "She's just holding me," I told Laura. Jerry giggled and put it back in. It stayed there. I got hotter and hotter. "You bitch," I whispered, "I love you." Then I came. Jerry got out of the bunk and went to the bathroom. Grace was making us roast beef sandwiches. I climbed out of the bunk and we had roast beef sandwiches, potato salad, sliced tomatoes, coffee and apple pie. We were all hungry.

"I sure got warmed up," said Jerry. "Henry's one good heating pad."

"I'm plenty cold," said Grace, "I think I'll try some of that heating pad. Do you mind, Laura?"

"I don't mind. Just don't go too far."

"How far's too far?"

"You know what I mean."

After we ate I got into the bunk and Grace climbed in with me. She was the tallest of the three. I'd never been in bed with a woman that tall. I kissed her. Her tongue answered. Women, I thought, women are magic. What marvelous beings they are! I reached up under her dress and pulled at the panties. It was a long way down. "What the hell are you doing?" she whispered. "I'm pulling your panties down." "What for?" "I'm going to fuck you." "I just want to get warm." "I'm going to fuck you." "Laura is my friend. I'm Wilbur's woman." "I'm going to fuck you." "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to get it in." "No!" "God damn it, help me." "Get it in yourself." "Help me." "Get it in by yourself. Laura's my friend." "What's that got to do with it?" "What?" "Forget it." "Listen, I'm not ready yet." "Here's my finger." "Ow, easy. Show a lady some respect." "All right, all right. Is that better?" "That's better. Higher. There. There! That's it…"