Christopher Buckley - Supreme Courtship

In an effort to appease Buddy, Pepper was taping back-to-back episodes of Courtroom Six. His gloom over the prospect of losing his star was only slightly mitigated by Courtroom Six’s having become-as Pepper had pointed out to Chairman Mitchell-the number one-rated show in the country. He acted as though Pepper’s acceptance of a Supreme Court nomination was a betrayal and inconvenience. At this point Pepper wasn’t clear which of the two Buddy considered the more heinous.

In her not-so-free time, she was cramming her head with the thick briefing book Hayden Cork ’s staff had prepared. It contained précis of significant Supreme Court rulings and transcripts of previous confirmation hearings, along with “suggested responses,” which to Pepper seemed mainly to consist of smoke grenades of obfuscation.

Judge Cartwright, will you respect stare decisis [10]with respect to Roe v. Wade?

Answer: I’m delighted to have the opportunity to discuss this important aspect, Senator. Stare decisis is, of course, itself an important concept dating all the way back to the days of the Roman Empire, when everyone was speaking Latin. We do things differently from the Romans, of course. We do not feed criminals to live animals, or crucify them, or make them row in galleys. We do not even use galleys, in fact, though it might be energy efficient if we put our two million prisoners to work powering our naval vessels. But to your question…

Pepper gathered that the object was to put the senators to sleep. She was having a hard enough time herself keeping awake.

One night after a tiring day as she was curled up on the couch doing her homework, Buddy came in from a late dinner and announced, “I’m not going to live in Washington. You can. I’m not.”

Pepper looked up and said, “Okay.”

Buddy said, “I’ve got way too much going on up here.”

“I understand,” Pepper said.

“There aren’t any decent restaurants.”

Pepper sighed quietly. “Whatever.”

“That’s all you have to say?”

Not looking up, Pepper said, “What am I supposed to say?”

“You might at least fake disappointment.”

“Buddy, honey, if you’re spoiling for a fight, could you just go punch the doorman? I gotta memorize all this mumbo jumbo.”

“Don’t you want us to live together?”

“Sure I do. But I don’t want you to be miserable. It’s not that far. I’ll commute up on weekends.”

“Swell,” Buddy snorted. “Great.”

Pepper took off her reading glasses. “Shall we do an instant replay? You came in the door and announced, like the Holy Roman Emperor, that you weren’t going to live with me in Washington. I said okay. I don’t recall lack of restaurants being the deal breaker in the marriage vows. I was actually under the general impression that Washington is halfway civilized and has decent, even fine restaurants that serve edible food. But recognizing that living there would be an inconvenience to you, I understand and agree. Whatever works for you.”

“You’re such a lawyer,” Buddy said.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” She closed the briefing book. “But if you’re spoiling for a fight, okay. What’s the theme of this one? How I’ve ruined your life?”

“Don’t let me take you away from your studying.”

“Baby,” Pepper said tenderly, “I got to ask you a serious question at this point.”

“Go ahead.”

“Are you aware that from the get-go you’ve been a total a-hole about all this?”

“Oh,” Buddy laughed bitterly, “I get it. Thank you for pointing it out. I’m the asshole.”

“Well, glad we got that settled,” Pepper said, putting her glasses back on and reopening the book.

Buddy said, “How am I supposed to react? Am I supposed to be thrilled that you’re willing to throw away everything that we’ve worked for so hard?”

“Baby. Your wife has been asked to sit on the Supreme Court. How does that amount to throwing it all away? Looky here. We’ve got more money than God. You’ve got more money than the Holy Trinity. I probably won’t even make it past the confirmation hearings. But if I do, you’ll find another judge for Courtroom Six in about twenty seconds. And you got six other shows running. Two of ’em in the top twenty.”

“Right. People jumping off bridges and eating themselves to death.”

“Well, honey, they were your ideas. And you’re making a fortune off ’em.”

“They’re shit.”

“Now, don’t you be too hard on yourself. You’ve brought awareness to the issue of people hurling themselves off bridges. And G.O… that episode about that 750-pound food writer-what was her name, Mrs. Stern?-having to be surgically separated from her sofa, that was right… human. I’ll bet you that touched a lot of chords with large folks who’ll be inspired to get up off the sofa before they fuse with it.”

“It’s all shit. It’s crap. Courtroom Six is a showcase. Without you, there’s no Courtroom Six. Without you, I’ve got no class act. There. Okay? You see the problem?”

“Doesn’t your wife being on the Supreme Court amount to some kind of ‘class’?”

“Is this where I’m supposed to tell you-for the eighteenth time-that I’m proud of you? All right. Great. I am so fucking happy for you.”

Pepper closed the briefing book and shoved it into her briefcase. She stood and disappeared into the bedroom, re-emerging a few short minutes later with an overnight bag.

“All right. What are you doing?” Buddy said, in a tone suggesting he knew exactly what she was doing.

“Going to a hotel,” Pepper said. “That way, if I feel the overwhelming need to be congratulated in the middle of the night, I’ll just ring down to the concierge and have him send someone up to pat me on the back.”

“Go ahead,” Buddy said. “You’ve become an expert at walking away from things. Be my guest.”

“I’ll be the hotel’s guest,” Pepper said, exiting, “but I will put it on your credit card.”

NEW YORK BEING NEW YORK, there was a five-star hotel just a few blocks away, off Columbus Circle. Pepper checked into a suite on the fifty-eighth floor, tipped the bellman, and stood staring out the floor-to-ceiling window at the great black-and-white panorama before her: a million lights, ships tugging up and down the Hudson, the necklace strand of the George Washington Bridge in the distance. All it lacked was Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue.

She was relieved to be here and not back at the apartment being nattered at by Buddy. Still she looked for her building amid all the others and found it at the edge of the park. She could make out the windows of their bedroom, and her study. What room was Buddy in now? What was he thinking? I really am an asshole or What a bitch? She didn’t know the answer, and it troubled her, on reflection, that she didn’t. They’d been together now seven years. He’d proposed to her the day the show was picked up by the network. And she’d said yes, automatically, a little joylessly, now that she looked back on it. It occurred to her, for the first time, that her feelings for Buddy might have been a little… self-referential, maybe? Or-she thought on it coldly and clearly-self-reverential. Being on TV does tend to bring out the inner Narcissus. Had they ever actually loved each other-or was it the success they’d brought each other that they’d loved? Confronting this unpleasant, humiliating epiphany, Pepper decided she didn’t want to dwell on it anymore just now. Which, she realized, was confirmation enough of its probable, essential truth. Aw, hell, she thought, you-dummy. You deserve every bit of what you’re getting. Every kick in the butt. It wasn’t ever really a marriage. It was just a damn business arrangement.