Christopher Buckley - Supreme Courtship

The phone rang again.

“What?” she said.

Buddy said calmly, “If you’re not on the set tomorrow, I will sue you for breach of contract.”

“Okay then, guess I’ll see you in court.” She said, “Funny…”

“What?”

“Always wanted to say that.”

There’s been a development-I suppose you could call it-in the Cartwright matter,” Graydon Clenndennynn said to the President over the phone.

“Go ahead,” the President said warily. He had been president long enough to know that the word “development” was synonymous with something truly dreadful has just happened.

“Her husband-the producer of the television program-has informed her that he intends to sue her for breach of contract in the event she leaves the show.”

President Vanderdamp absorbed this bizarre piece of information. He stared at the polished surface of his wooden desk, made from planks of a eighteenth-century U.S. warship. He’d served on an aircraft carrier in the navy. At times, he imagined that his desk was a flight deck onto which a never-ending succession of wounded, flaming aircraft crash-landed. Boom, boom, boom. The trick was repairing and relaunching them.

“Well,” he said at length, “for heaven’s sake.”

“Yes,” Graydon said.

“He should be strewing rose petals in her path. Giving her neck massages. Telling her sweet nothings and I’m so proud of you, sweetie pie. What’s his beef, anyway?”

“Who can say? Remember what Tolstoy said about unhappy families.”

“Graydon,” the President said, “cut it out.”

“I believe Tolstoy’s basic point was that they’re all unique. I don’t know the gentleman-if that’s the right word in Mr. Bixby’s case-but it would seem he’s reluctant to part with his star. I gather she lends his operation a touch of class. His other programs feature somewhat less high-minded fare. Fatsos and suicides. But who’s to say what’s art and what isn’t.”

“Is Hayden aware of this development?” the President said, simultaneously pressing a buzzer to summon his chief of staff.

“I wanted to give you the news first directly. To be honest, I was concerned that it might cause him to insert his head in the nearest oven. As you know, Hayden has not been overly enthusiastic about this appointment.”

The door to the Oval Office opened. Hayden Cork entered. “Sir?”

The President pressed the speaker button on his phone and said, “Graydon, why don’t you tell Hayden what you just told me?”

When Graydon was finished, Hayden Cork emitted a long, exquisitely soulful sigh, like the last gasp of a dying, landed salmon.

“So,” the President said to his men, “where does this leave us?”

“She’s offered to withdraw,” Graydon said.

“Oh? Well, fine. Fine,” Hayden said, suddenly as full of life as a salmon returned to the water. “In that case, I’ll give her a call and tell her we’re deeply appreciative of her-”

“Hold on,” the President said. “Steady. Let’s stay on course here. What did you tell her, Graydon?”

“It’s not my decision. I said I’d relay her offer.”

“Mr. President,” Hayden said, “I really think it would be best for everyone if we just accepted her wonderfully gracious offer-before this-”

“Sit down, Hayden.”

“Sir-”

“Sit. Down. How did she sound to you, Graydon?”

“I sensed that she was putting up a brave front. I think she’s a bit busted up inside. Can’t say as I blame her. But the offer sounded sincere.”

“I like that. Shows character. Judgment. Not enough people these days offer to resign. Not nearly. Lost art, modesty.”

“Mr. President,” Hayden said. “I’m sure all this isn’t pleasant for her. But these hearings are going to be brutal enough as it is. I mean, she threatened Senator Mitchell-during her courtesy call.”

“Good for her. Wish I’d stuffed a microphone down Dexter Mitchell’s yap long ago. Graydon?”

“Well, sir, it is a bit of a mess. Hayden’s perfectly right. The media will feast. But all that said, I’ve grown rather fond of the lady. She is a pistol.”

Graydon heard a soft moan from Hayden in the background.

“I don’t see,” the President said, “why we should punish her because her husband is a complete j-e-r-k. No. Call her. Call her right now. Tell her I’m behind her all the way. Tell her,” the President said, with a meaningful look at his chief of staff, “that the entire White House is behind her. You tell her that. You tell her that for me.”

“Very good, sir,” Graydon said, and hung up.

“Now,” the President said, “Hayden.”

“Yes, sir,” the chief of staff said glumly.

“I think I’d like to know a little more about this… husband.”

“Oh, sir,” Hayden said, “we’re not going to… no, sir. Please.”

“The FBI is already conducting a full and vigorous background check, aren’t they?”

“Yes, sir, but-”

“Hayden,” the President smiled. “This is no time to go wobbly.” [11]

GRAYDON AND HAYDEN met late that afternoon at the Retropolitan Club for a last murder board with Pepper, who was flying in from New York. Hayden greeted Graydon with a sarcastic, “Thank you. You were a big help this morning with the Chief.”

“What can I say?” Graydon shrugged. “I’ve grown accustomed to her face.”

“This is going to end in tears,” Hayden said. “Or blood. Mitchell’s hotter than lava.”

“Dexter Mitchell is a horse’s ass,” Graydon said, “but he’s not stupid. He’s seen her numbers. The people want her on the Court.”

“I didn’t realize,” Hayden said, “you were such a populist.”

“I’m not. But it doesn’t hurt to give the mob what it wants every now and then. Keeps it quiet.”

“I take it back. You know what the Chief is asking for, don’t you?”

“I’d rather be able to look the grand jury in the eye with a trace of sincerity and say, ‘I really don’t know what the special prosecutor is going on about.’ ”

“Thanks. And what do I tell the special prosecutor?”

“Oh,” Graydon said with a Cheshire cat grin, “you’ll think of something. And if you don’t, I’ll come visit you on Sundays. Bring you croissants and a file.”

The stand-in senators filtered in and took their places behind the committee table. Pepper arrived shortly, only fifteen minutes late, looking as though she’d had a tough day. Graydon greeted her warmly; Hayden with a perfunctory handshake and nod.

“Nice to see you, too,” Pepper muttered under her breath.

“I’m sorry about this brouhaha with your husband,” Graydon said. “But as I told you this morning over the phone, the President is behind you all the way.” He added pointedly, “As is Mr. Cork.”

Hayden pursed his lips.

“You look a bit tired,” Graydon said to her. “Are you up for this?”

“Yeah,” Pepper said without enthusiasm.

Hayden and the others fired questions at her for several hours-on privacy, interstate commerce, immigration, on whether the Eighth Amendment had been properly applied in Miskimin v. Incontinental Airlines. [12]He cleared his throat and said, “Now, Judge Cartwright, would you stipulate that a person’s private life is relevant when determining his-or her-suitability to serve in a high public office?”

Pepper stared at him a moment and said, “Well, Senator, I guess that would depend on the office, wouldn’t it?”

“How do you mean?”

“Let’s say this hypothetical person turned out to be a member of al Qaeda or an arms dealer or hooker. I suppose that would be relevant if they were up for the Supreme Court or Secretary of State or some big job like that. But if they were just running for, say, the Senate, I’d say a reprobate background would be a qualification.”