Christopher Buckley - Supreme Courtship

“Shall we?” he said.

“You betcha,” she said, heading right in-ahead of him!-like she owned the place.

They posed for the cameras in Dexter’s office and made bland conversation for the microphones.

“I know I speak” click click click click “for all the members of the Committee” click click click click click “when I say that we’re looking forward to getting to know you better.” Click click.

“I sure appreciate that, Mr. Chairman.” clickclickclickclickclickclick “And I’m sure looking forward to getting to know you all.”

Aides shooed the national media out like cats, leaving the Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee and the Supreme Court nominee alone in sudden, awkward silence. This was unusual for Dexter Mitchell. Normally he could fill a conversational vacuum from a hundred yards away.

“Should I call you Mr. Chairman?” Pepper said.

Dexter’s mind raced. Another power play?

“Call me… whatever’s comfortable.”

“How about ‘Senator’?” Pepper smiled. “You can call me Pepper, if you’re comfortable with that.”

“Fine. Fine. Yes. Pepper.” Dexter grinned. “Wonderful name. So, now…”

“Do you feel kind of awkward, Senator?” Pepper said. “I sure do.”

“Awkward? No. Not in the least. No, no.”

“By the way, Mr. Clenndennynn sent his regards.”

“Well, send them back. A character, Graydon. Yes.”

“He said to watch out what I say to you,” she smiled. “I don’t think he likes you.”

Dexter stared. “Really? What makes you say that?”

“Honestly? He told me as much.”

“Aaack!”

“You okay, Senator?”

“Fine. Fine. You-aack-gave me a good laugh, that’s all. Yes. A good laugh…”

“I was getting ready to Heimlich you.”

“No, no, not necessary. What makes you think Graydon Clenndennynn… hates me?”

“Well, he said, ‘Dexter Mitchell is the embodiment of everything that is rotten and vile in government today.’ That was my first inkling.”

“Really? Well. Aack. That’s a compliment coming from him, I must say. But I thank you for your candor, Judge.”

“Candor doesn’t have anything to do with it. He told me to tell you that.”

Dexter stared. This was not going the way it should. “Judge,” he said, “this is highly unusual.”

“Whole thing’s unusual,” Pepper said. She smiled. “Did you like the pickup bit?”

Dexter recrossed his legs. “Yes,” he said, “nice touch.”

“Figured I’d need all the help I could get. So, here I am. Could I ask you something?”

“Yes. Fine.”

“You want this job for yourself, don’t you?”

“What do you mean?”

“The Supreme Court job. The one I’m up for.”

“Not at all. Well, everyone would like to be appointed to the Supreme Court. But I’m not sure I follow you.”

“Yeah, but not everyone goes and, like, personally begs the President for it.” She smiled. “Right?”

Dexter re-recrossed his legs.

“You got that restless leg syndrome thing?” Pepper said. “They got something for it. The company advertises on my TV show. I could probably get you a free sample if you’d like.”

“There is nothing wrong with my legs, thank you. As for the other, I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Well,” Pepper said, like a little girl repeating a story she’d been told, “Mr. Clenndennynn said that you asked the President to name you to the Court. And when he didn’t, you got all blinky and took it out on Judges Cooney and Burrows.”

“Blinky?”

“Sorry. Texas talk. Sour milk-like.”

Dexter was about to cross his legs but didn’t.

Pepper added in a lower voice, “Don’t worry. I understand that it was a confidential visit and all. Only reason I brought it up is I wanted to make sure you didn’t resent me for trespassing on what you consider to be your land. Texans are awful sensitive about that.”

Dexter grinned and gestured. “There’s some misunderstanding here. I have the best job in this town. I’m Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee.”

“I noticed,” Pepper said. “By the way, sir, fantastic office. That is one heck of a view there.”

“Thank you. I don’t know about this alleged incident Clenndennynn told you, but I will tell you that it’s absurd.”

“Okay.”

“I certainly wouldn’t take everything Graydon Clenndennynn says as gospel. Ha. No. No, no. The stories I could tell you about Graydon Clenndennynn. Ha.”

“Well, I don’t want to be the cause of some internecine thing between a couple of dominant gorillas,” Pepper grinned. “Figure of speech.”

“Yes. Well, why don’t we get on with it. For starters, how do you see yourself fitting in on the Court. Your qualifications are-let’s be honest-unusual.”

“I’m not sure I’d fit in at all,” Pepper said.

“I don’t understand.”

“Well,” she said, “I can’t imagine any of the justices are exactly thrilled at the idea of having some TV judge for a colleague. Can you?”

Dexter frowned. “Well, that was what I was driving at. So you think you would be a divisive influence on the Court?”

“Probably. On the other hand, they already look pretty divided, without adding some catty whompus to the mix.”

“What?” Dexter said, exasperated.

“Sorry. More Texas talk. I revert when I’m nervous. A catty whompus is something that doesn’t, you know, fit in.”

“You don’t seem nervous,” Mitchell said, pulling his trouser leg down to cover bared calf.

“Well, I can fake it pretty good. So, let’s get to it. You fixing to nail me to a cross like you did those other two?”

Dexter smiled suavely. “That’s not the way we do things up here.”

“Oh? Funny. I watched the tapes. Looked like a replay of Good Friday to me. A regular passion play, like they do over in Germany every year at that place I can’t ever remember how to pronounce.”

“I can’t speak to that, but I will absolutely say that we gave them the hearing they deserved. Why do you smile?”

“That’s exactly what Mr. Clenndennynn said you’d say. Well, okay, whatever, it’s your show. But I might as well tell you, with all due respect, I’m not going to roll over and play dead for you.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to. You’ll get the hearing you deserve.”

Pepper laughed. “Yeah, I’ll bet. Can I call you Dexter for just a second?”

“As you wish.”

“Okay, Dex. How about we quit shoveling horseshit at each other and talk, lawyer to lawyer.”

“Very well,” Dexter said.

“Now, you don’t like anything about me, starting with the fact that I’m sitting here in your office, not kissing your ass like you’re used to. I understand. That’s fine. But I wouldn’t be here in the first place if you and your committee hadn’t strung up Judge Cooney and Judge Burrows. Let me finish. Now I don’t know what kind of witch trial you got planned for me, but this being a courtesy call, let me tell you how I’m going to play it. I’ve got the number one-rated TV show in the country. As of this morning-and I checked- Congress’s approval ratings are at eighteen percent. So it’s my numbers up against your numbers, Senator. And if you and your distinguished colleagues try to pull any shit, I am going to climb up on that nice wooden committee table of yours and beat you to death one by one with your microphones. We on the same page here, Dex?”

Senator Mitchell was not responding.

“Well,” Pepper said, rising, “I’ve enjoyed this courtesy call. Thank you for your time.”

THE NEWS REPORTS on Pepper’s first day on Capitol Hill led off with the image of her bounding out of her cherry red pickup truck. Within hours, the manufacturer was reporting a spike in sales of that model.