Anchee Min - Pearl of China

Absalom’s church was a room with benches. The walls were mud-colored. Absalom said that his God was a humble god, one who cared more about his followers than about the appearance of his temple. Absalom said that he was in the middle of raising funds to build a proper church.

I wanted to tell Absalom that people were not interested in his God or his church. Food was the reason we came. We waited for Absalom to finish preaching. We had to endure. I cried joyfully when it was time to clap our hands together and say “Ah-men.”

After the meal we felt good. We sang songs to thank Absalom’s God. Carie taught us Hymns and Oratorio. The first song Carie sang to us was called “Amazing Grace.” Her big voice surprised everyone. It was deep like a Chinese gong. The room vibrated. The sound was like a spring waterfall pouring down from the mountains. Carie’s soft round face melted into a sweet expression. She sent her notes up through the ceiling effortlessly.

I fell in love with “Amazing Grace.” The song moved me in a strange way. I grew up with Chinese operas, but it was Carie’s song that made me think of my own mother. Never before had I been able to imagine what my mother looked like. The song brought her to me, vivid and clear. Mother was as beautiful as a Chinese goddess. I could almost smell her fragrance. Her face was egg-shaped and her eyes gentle and bright. She was petite but had a full figure. “Come, my child,” I could hear her say. “I have been longing to see you.”

Tears filled my eyes. I noticed that I was not the only one who was falling in love with “Amazing Grace.” NaiNai wanted me to learn the song so that I could sing it at her funeral.

Carie had a monstrous instrument she called a “piano.” She often played it to accompany her singing. Her fingers danced over the keys as she sat on a stool with the bottom of her dress covering the ground. We spent many Sunday afternoons together. Word by word, Carie taught me “Amazing Grace.” I went home and practiced in front of NaiNai and Papa.

Amazing Grace,

How sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I sang the same way I would sing a Chinese opera. My voice was charged and loud.

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind but now I see.

Papa and NaiNai enjoyed the song and waited eagerly for me to go on. I had to tell them that this was all I had managed to learn so far.

Papa went quiet for a while and then said, “Although ‘Amazing Grace’ is a foreign song, it is about us, because we are lost, confused, and scared.” NaiNai agreed. “ Willow,” she said, turning to me, “make sure you learn the full piece from Carie, because I could go at any time.”

I asked NaiNai if she was going to heaven and if so whether she and my mother would meet. NaiNai nodded. “Your mother would love to hear you sing ‘Amazing Grace.’”

I went to Carie and begged her to teach me the rest of the song. She was delighted. She sat me next to her by the piano and began.

The Lord has promised good to me,

His word my hope secures;

He will my shield and portion be,

As long as life endures.

Carie’s voice changed. The tone became tender, reminding me of a gentle creek flowing through a meadow.

And mortal life shall cease;

I shall possess within the veil,

A life of joy and peace.

From Wang Ah-ma, we learned that Carie had lost four of her children after arriving in China. “I don’t know any woman who has experienced worse, four male children,” Wang Ah-ma sighed, putting up her four fingers.

According to Wang Ah-ma, Carie had her dead sons’ names carved on her bed board. “The Mistress speaks to their spirits every night before sleep.”

People wondered what kind of food Absalom’s family ate and what it tasted like.

“Cheese and butter,” Wang Ah-ma said. She stuck a finger in her throat and bent over to imitate retching. “It tastes like spoiled tofu.”

“What about Pearl?” I asked.

“ Pearl is different. She has a Chinese stomach.” Wang Ah-ma smiled with approval. “ Pearl eats what I eat. She is strong as an ox.”

“Do you mean she won’t die like her brothers?” I asked.

Wang Ah-ma lowered her voice to a whisper. “It doesn’t make sense to me that four of Carie’s children had to die. It was the same disease. I mean, the boys suffered the same as the Chinese children. Why did the Chinese children survive? Pearl ’s body has learned to fight the disease like a Chinese. For Buddha’s sake, she has been successful!”

The listeners nodded in admiration. “You did well for your mistress, Wang Ah-ma!”

Wang Ah-ma’s face bloomed like a summer lotus. “ Pearl eats double meals. One in the kitchen with the servants, and the other with her parents. The child has an incredible appetite. She loves soy nuts, lotus seeds, and roasted seaweed. Pearl ’s favorite is scallion pancakes, which I buy every week especially for her.”

I should have seen it coming when Pearl caught me. My mouth was stuffed with pancake, which I had stolen from Wang Ah-ma. Pearl waited for the moment. She made sure that she had a witness. My hand was in Wang Ah-ma’s basket, although Wang Ah-ma hadn’t realized what was happening.

Pearl dragged me to Carie, who was sitting in front of her piano.

The town followed.

Papa and NaiNai were called.

“A rat naturally knows how to dig a hole,” children cheered. “What do you expect, the father sets an example?”

“I caught her in the act,” Pearl announced.

Carie didn’t look at her daughter. She turned to me.

“You didn’t do it, did you, Willow?” Carie asked, closing the piano lid.

Fearing that Papa and NaiNai would lose face in front of the town, I boldly lied. “No, I did not do it.”

Carie rose to greet Papa and NaiNai. In a gentle voice she said to them, “I’m sorry, my daughter made a mistake.”

“But Mother!” Pearl interrupted. “I caught Willow in the middle of her act!” She turned to Wang Ah-ma. “Please, Ah-ma, tell Mother the truth…”

“Mistress,” Wang Ah-ma said, stepping up. “ Pearl made no mistake…”

Carie signaled a stop with her right hand and said, “Ah-ma, the soup on the stove is boiling.”

“It is not boiling, Mistress. I have just checked.”

“Go and check again,” said Carie.

“Yes,” Wang Ah-ma said, nodding, “I’ll go now. But Mistress, Pearl was right about the pancake. Willow did steal it.”

“No, Willow did not,” Carie repeated without looking at anyone.

NaiNai and Papa exchanged relieved glances.

“Mother!” Pearl ’s tears streamed down her cheeks. “If you check Willow ’s breath, you will smell the scallions!”

“That’s enough, Pearl.” Carie waved a hand.

“I swear to God.” Pearl began to weep.

“Go and help set the dinner table,” Carie said. “Your father is on his way home.”

“Mother, I’m not the one who lied!”

“I didn’t say you lied, Pearl.”

I had a hard time that afternoon. My neck felt stiff, as if pressed under a stone grinder. I went up into the hills and sat alone. I didn’t move until the sun set and the boatmen returned. Mist began to spread along the riverbank. The moisture was thick in my lungs. I lost sleep that evening. I was deeply ashamed. Pearl ’s tearful face hovered before me all night long. I got up and admitted to Papa and NaiNai that I had taken the pancake.

They were not surprised.

The teahouses celebrated spring by hosting parties. “Men of words” gathered around blossoming camellias and peach and plum trees and composed poems. Papa loved the parties, while I loved the blooming peach flowers that looked like pink clouds. Then came the April wet season. The southern China rain didn’t come in showers. It came like a spreading thick fog. When I stuck out an arm, I could feel no drops. But once I stepped outside, wetness would wrap me. In ten minutes of walking, moisture would soak through my clothes. If I wiped my face with a hand, water would come off. Very slowly, my hair would droop. Strands of hair would paste against my skull.