Anchee Min - Pearl of China

“He wasn’t telling the truth when he said that money was the reason he applied,” she said, frying cabbages in her wok. “He needed to pay off his wife’s debts, so he jokingly claimed. He fooled everyone on the committee but me.”

“Did you read Hsu Chih-mo’s comments about your new novel?” I asked.

“I did.”

“What do you think?”

“What do you expect me to say?”

“Did they please you?”

“Yes, very much so. It was generous of him.”

“Do you think he understands what you wrote?”

“He is the only other Chinese person besides you who understands my writing.”

“There is a big difference between us. Hsu Chih-mo’s credentials give him the power to influence others.”

“I didn’t say I couldn’t use his help.”

“Then why do you keep rejecting him?”

She closed the lid on the wok and turned away from the stove. “I am confused about my feelings for him.” She paused before continuing. “He inspires my confidence and creativity, but… I am terrified at the same time.”

“Are you falling in love with Hsu Chih-mo?” I watched her eyes.

“I feel like I am about to tumble down a hill.”

“Yes or no?”

“Willow, please.”

“Don’t you think you owe me at least a clear answer?” I couldn’t help raising my voice. “I am not blind and deaf as you assume. I have been poisoned by the air you two breathe. I am a strong woman capable of handling my own crisis. I am honest with myself. I have the courage to chase after my own dreams. Unfortunately, I can’t force a man to fall in love with me. By God’s grace, I have been blessed with everything else but the love of a man. One thing is clear: As long as you are in the picture, I don’t stand a chance with Hsu Chih-mo. What can I say? Bad luck? Or do I tell myself, Okay, you can’t have him but your best friend can? To tell you the truth, my heart is not that big.”

“What would you like me to do?” Pearl said apologetically.

“I want you to stop lying to me!”

“ Willow, I didn’t lie to you. I have never lied and never will.”

“Oh, donkey shit! ‘I am confused about my feelings for him,’ for example. Are you, really? You know exactly what is going on! You know you are in love with Hsu Chih-mo. You know you can’t run away from him, though you tried and tried like a rabbit running from a forest fire.”

“All right, I sinned. How do I make it right?”

“Admit the truth. Can’t you see that I need a shoulder to cry on?”

I accepted Dick Lin’s invitation for tea. We met at a small teahouse at the foot of the Purple Mountain. It was a warm autumn afternoon. I was in my blue coat with a black silk scarf.

Dick wore a French-style collarless jacket and a matching French hat.

The moment we sat down he started to talk about himself.

“I worked in the fields with my parents before I was five,” he began. “My father was determined to get me an education although he was a poor peasant. I went to school naked like other boys in the village. The new teacher was from the city, and she didn’t expect to see a bunch of bare-assed monkeys. She screamed the moment she stepped into the classroom.”

Dick had an abundance of self-confidence. He demanded his audience’s attention.

I studied his features as he talked without pause. It was a strange picture of harmony. The lizard eyes went well with the crooked nose. The thin-lipped mouth fit the small chin. Although I didn’t like him at first, I began to warm up to him, to his openness, his childlike enthusiasm, and, most of all, his will to believe in dreams.

“I traveled after I escaped my village,” Dick continued. “My father chased me and beat me. He even pushed me into the river trying to drown me. I went abroad as a student worker. I lived in France for three years. I worked during the day and went to school in the evening. In Paris I experienced Communism firsthand.”

Dick laughed and then paused to observe me.

I tried to be present, but it had been a long day and my mind began to wander. I nodded and asked, “So, what brought you back to China?”

“I didn’t miss my family, but I did miss my country,” he went on. “I was twenty-two. Never before had I felt so strongly that I could do something to help change the world, to reverse the inequity between the rich and poor…”

Although he lacked the grace of Hsu Chih-mo, I found myself listening.

“I could have been silent and remained unaffected.” He looked at me, eager for a response. “I could have imitated an ancient sage and hid myself away in the mountains. Instead I chose to lead a purposeful life and fight for the people.”

His tone was charged with energy. I was strangely moved.

The clouds drifted low to the ground and the crowns of pine trees spread like beggars’ arms. Dick and I followed the trail leading to the top of the Purple Mountain. I thought about asking him to reconsider publishing Pearl ’s novel. But the moment he said he would do anything for me, I changed my mind. I didn’t want to be beholden to him.

Pearl deserves honor, not mercy, I thought.

Dick said that he was nervous whenever he was near me. He complimented and flattered me. I wished that his words were coming from Hsu Chih-mo. I wondered where Hsu Chih-mo was and what he was doing. Was Pearl ’s name written in the sky of his mind? For the past few months, Hsu Chih-mo had made visits to Shanghai to be with his wife. Each time he returned to Nanking, he would be even more depressed. When I asked about his wife, he would reply, “My wife lives in her opium den. She doesn’t talk unless it is to ask me for money.”

The gossip publications following Hsu Chih-mo revealed the massive debts his wife owed. The latest reports had the former courtesan spending time with a wealthy patron. Hsu Chih-mo was said to be fighting with his wife over money and her drug habit. One source said that Hsu Chih-mo had gone back to his former architect mistress. The public had become obsessed with the drama.

“It’s time for you to think about taking Hsu Chih-mo as a lover,” I said.

Stunned, Pearl turned to me. “You are crazy, Willow.”

“Why not?” I went on. “After all, Lossing is with Lotus.”

“No,” she said bluntly.

“Hsu Chih-mo…”

“Stop, would you? I don’t feel like discussing Hsu Chih-mo.”

“But I do.”

She was quiet.

I felt sick with myself, but couldn’t stop.

“I am not a fool, Willow,” I heard Pearl say. “I can see…”

“Then answer my question.”

“I don’t know how to answer your question. As you know, we both are married. Frankly, I don’t enjoy this kind of joke. Or… is it a joke?”

“What do you think?”

“It is pure Chinese that you indulge in this game of cruelty. This is how you drive away misery. But is it working? Are you less miserable than yesterday?”

“You speak like your father, wearing God’s clothes!” I responded. “You can’t face the truth!”

“I am trying to act decently. I am your friend.”

“Then damn your decency!”

“Fine!” She came to face me. “You want the truth? Here it is! Yes, Hsu Chih-mo and I are in love witheach other! And yes, we will go to bed together, tonight!”

I accepted Dick Lin’s offer to be the editor of his magazine. I made up my mind to move to Shanghai for good.

Pearl was devastated.

A month before I left, Hsu Chih-mo paid me a visit. He pleaded with me to save his relationship with Pearl. “She fell apart after learning about your departure. She told me that she would view me as an enemy if I continued to visit her. She’s engaged in a war with me.”