Robert Pirsig - Lila. An Inquiry Into Morals

Did you see that light from the city across the bridge? All of a sudden it was so beautiful.

What else?

Men, she laughed.

What kind?

Any kind. The kind that likes me.

What do you dislike most?

Mean people… Like that lady in the store back in town. There’s a million people like her and I hate every one of them. Always trying to make themselves big by tearing somebody else down… You do it too, you know.

Me?

Yes, you.

When?

This afternoon. Talking so big about a boat you never saw.

Oh, that.

Just don’t be mean like that and we’ll get along fine. I only get mad at mean people.

What after mean people? the Captain asked.

People who think they’re better than you are.

What next?

Lots of things.

What?

Well, there’s lots of things I don’t want. I don’t want to get old. I don’t want people to be mean. Oh, I said that.

She thought for a while. Sometimes I don’t want to be so lonely. You know, I thought George and me were really going to make it. And then this Debbie comes along and it’s like he doesn’t even know me. I didn’t do anything to him. That’s just mean.

Anything else?

Isn’t that enough? It isn’t any special thing that makes me feel bad. I don’t know what it’s going to be until it happens. She looked at him. Sometimes there’s something that just comes over me and I get scared… That happened this afternoon.

What?

When you started the engine.

That was a bad wind, he said.

It wasn’t just the wind. It isn’t like anything. It’s like a storm coming and I don’t have any house. I don’t have anywhere to go. She took another bite of steak. I like this boat. Do you have storms on this boat?

Yes, but the boat’s like a cork. The waves wash over it.

That’s good. I like that.

Why are you all alone like this on the river?

I’m not. I’m with you.

Well then, last night, he said.

I wasn’t alone, she laughed. Don’t you remember? She reached over and put her hand on his cheek. Don’t you remember?

Before you met me.

Before I met you I wasn’t alone for five minutes. I was with that bastard, George. Don’t you remember?

All spring I saved money so I could take this trip with him. And then he runs off like that. They wouldn’t even give me my money back… Oh hell, let’s not talk about him. He’s all gone.

Where were you going to go?

Florida.

Ohhh, the Captain said. So that’s why you want to go with me to Florida.

Uh-huh, she said.

While he thought about it she started on her salad. Don’t ever do this to me again, she said. Let’s just fill this whole boat with groceries, OK?

Somehow you didn’t answer my question, he said. Before you met me, before you knew George, why weren’t you married?

I was married, Lila said. A long time ago.

You’re divorced.

No.

You’re still married.

No, he got killed.

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.

Don’t be.

This steak was cooked just perfectly, but it needed just a little more pepper. She reached over and got the pepper shaker by the cutting board and added just a pinch to the steak, then handed the shaker to the Captain.

That was a long time ago, she said. I never think about him.

What did he do?

He drove a truck. He was on the road most of the time. I never saw him much. And then one night he didn’t come home and the police called and said he was dead. And that was it.

What did you do then?

I got some insurance money. And they had a funeral, and I wore a black dress and all that, but I don’t think about that any more.

Why didn’t you like him? the Captain asked.

We always had fights, Lila said.

About what?

Just fights… He was always suspicious of me. Of what I was going to do when he wasn’t home… He thought I was cheating on him.

Were you?

Lila looked at him. Wait a minute… When I was married I was married. I didn’t do anything like that… Don’t get me mad.

I’m just asking, the Captain said.

She had another bite of the salad. He never had respect for me.

Why did you marry him?

I was pregnant, Lila said.

How old were you?

Sixteen. Seventeen when she was born.

That’s too young, the Captain said.

Those drinks before dinner were making her high now. She’d better slow down, she thought, and watch herself and not do something dumb, like she usually did when she got drunk. She was already talking too much.

She felt dizzy. Then she saw the lamp swing. What’s that? she said.

A wake, the Captain said. A big one… That’s the first one. In a second there’ll be… here it comes…

Another even bigger wave came and the whole boat rocked, and then after a while a smaller one and another one, each one getting smaller.

The Captain got up from the table and went up.

What is it? she said.

I don’t know, he said. It’s not a barge… Some power-boat probably. He may be on the other side of the bridge.

He stood there for a long time looking around outside. Then he looked back down at her.

How old is your baby now? he asked.

That surprised her. That was a new one. What do you want to know that for?

I already told you before I started asking all these questions, he said.

She’s dead.

How did she die? he asked.

I killed her, she said.

She watched his eyes. She didn’t like them. He looked mean.

You mean accidentally, he said.

I didn’t cover her right and she smothered, Lila said. That was long ago.

Nobody blamed you though.

Nobody had to. What could they say… that I didn’t already know?

Lila remembered she still had the black funeral dress. She remembered she had to wear it three times that year. There were hundreds of people who came to her grandfather’s funeral because he was a minister and lots of Jerry’s friends came to his funeral, but nobody came for Dawn.

Don’t get me started thinking about that, she said.

She sat back in the berth for the first time and stopped eating. Ask some other questions, she said, like, how long will it take to get to Florida?

So you never married again, the Captain said.

No! God, no. Never! I would never do that again.

These people who get married, she said. It’s the cheapest trick on a person there is. You’re supposed to give up all your freedom and everything just for sex every night. That doesn’t make them happy. They’re just always looking around for some way out. Don’t you want some more of these French fries?

I just want to be free, she said. That’s what America’s about, isn’t it?

The Captain took some French fries and she got up and took her plate over to the cutting board and took the rest of the French fries and put them on her plate. Give me your glass, she said.