Robert Pirsig - Lila. An Inquiry Into Morals

She excused herself and went down to the bathroom. On her way back she had to hang on to things to keep steady. It didn’t matter. She wasn’t going anywhere. She sat down again next to the Captain and he asked, How long have you known Richard Rigel?

Since the second grade, she said.

The second grade!

Surprised, huh?

God, I’ll say! I had no idea.

She arranged the blanket neatly and settled back and then looked up in the sky. There was so much light from the city there weren’t any stars at all. It was just all orange and black. Like Halloween.

Whew! the Captain said.

What’s the matter?

I’m just sort of shook, he said. The second grade! That’s just unbelievable!

Why is that unbelievable?

You mean he used to sit behind you and make faces at the teacher and things like that?

No, we were just in the same class. Why does that seem so unbelievable?

I don’t know, the Captain said. He doesn’t seem like the sort of person who would have had a childhood… But I suppose he must have.

We were good friends, Lila said.

You were childhood sweethearts.

No, we were just friends. We’ve always been friends. I don’t see why you’re surprised at that.

Why, out of a whole classroom full of people, would you pick a person like him for a friend?

He came in at the second grade and I was the only one who was nice to him.

The Captain shook his head.

After a while he made a sound like, Tch!

You don’t know him, Lila said. He was very quiet and shy. He used to stutter. Everybody laughed at him.

He sure doesn’t stutter now, the Captain said.

You don’t know him.

So you went all the way through grade school and high school with him?

No, after sixth grade he went to prep school, and I didn’t see him much.

What does his father do?

I don’t know. They were divorced. He lived in New York somewhere. Or, I think, Kingston, maybe. Where we were last night… Well, I guess what’s bothering me, the Captain said, is, if you’ve known him since the second grade and you’re such good friends, why was he so down on you last night?

Richard likes me, Lila said.

No. Not true, the Captain said. That’s what’s getting me. Why was he so rude to you? Why wouldn’t he talk to you last night?

Oh, that’s a long story, Lila said.

Last night he didn’t even say "hello".

I know. That’s just the way he is. He just doesn’t approve of the way I live.

Well, that’s true, the Captain said.

Lila held up the bottle and showed it to the Captain. You know something?

What?

I think we are getting a little smashed… At least I am. You’re not drinking very much.

But something’s still missing, the Captain said.

What?

You never saw him after prep school.

I saw plenty of him after prep school.

You mean he used to go out with you?

Everybody used to go with me, Lila said. You don’t know what I was like. I wish you could have seen me when I was younger. I had such a cute figure… It sounds like I’m bragging, but it was true. I don’t look like so much now, but you should have seen me back then. Everybody wanted to go out with me. I was popular then… I was really popular.

So you went out with him.

Sometimes we’d go out together and then his mother found out about it and she made him stop.

Why?

Well, you know why. She is very rich and I’m not in their social class. Also women don’t approve of people like me. Especially mothers with little sons who are interested in me.

The booze was hitting real hard now. She had to stop.

Anyway Richie is a real nice guy, she said.

The Captain didn’t say anything.

… And you aren’t, she added.

Rigel said you got someone named Jim in trouble.

Did he talk about that? Lila shook her head.

What was that all about?

Oh, God. I wish he hadn’t talked about that.

What was it about?

Nothing!

We weren’t doing anything… Anything worse than you and me are doing on this boat right now. I told Jim never to tell anyone about us. Then he went and told Richie and Richie told his mother and his mother told Jim’s wife. That’s when all the trouble started. Oh, God, what a mess that was… All because Richie’s mother couldn’t leave us alone.

His mother?

Look, Richie dotes on his mother, morning, noon and night. That’s where he gets all his money. I think he sleeps with her! She really hates me! Lila said.

Why did Rigel’s mother hate you?

I told you. She was afraid I was going to take her little Richie away from her. And she was the one who got Jim’s wife to hire the detectives.

Detectives!

'We were in the motel and they pounded on the door and I told Jim, "Don’t answer it!" but he didn’t listen. He said, "I’ll just talk to them." Sure… that’s all they wanted. Just to talk… Oh, he was so dumb. It was just awful. As soon as he opened the door they came in with flash cameras and took pictures of everything. Then they wanted him to sign a confession. They said they wouldn’t prosecute if he just signed.

You know what he did? He signed…

He wouldn’t listen to me. If he’d listened to me there’s nothing they could have done. They didn’t have a warrant or anything.

Then they left and you know what Jim did?… He started to cry… That’s what I remember most, him sitting on the edge of the bed, with his big eyes all full of tears.

I was the one who should have been crying! And what do you suppose he was crying about?… About how he didn’t want his wife to divorce him… Oh, he made me so disgusted. He made everybody disgusted.

He was weak. He always complained about how she ran his life, but he really wanted her to. That’s why he wanted to go back.

They always talk about how they’re going to leave their wives, but they never do. They always go back.

Did his wife take him back?

No… she wasn’t dumb. She took his money instead. Almost a hundred thousand dollars… She couldn’t stand him any more than I could, after that.

Did you see Jim after that?

For a while. But I never respected him after that. Then he got fired from the bank and I got tired of him and I met this friend from New York, Jamie, and I came down here with him for a while.

I thought Rigel said he was Jim’s lawyer.

He was, but after they got the pictures and the confession there wasn’t much he could do.

Why did he take the case?

Because of me. I’m the one who told Jim to go to him.

The Captain made a tch sound again. He tipped his head back and looked up at the sky.

He didn’t say anything for a long time. He just stared up into the sky like he was looking for some stars.

There aren’t any stars up there, Lila said. I already looked.

Is Rigel married? the Captain asked.

No.

Why not?

I don’t know. He’s all messed up just like everybody else… You know something?

What?