Philip Roth: Our Gang

General, will they buy it over at the Pentagon? That should certainly be a good test case.

MILITARY COACH ( considering ): They might, sir. They very well might.

TRICKY: Would it help if I batted my eyes more, when I talk?

MILITARY COACH: No, no, I think they feel you bat your eyes enough already, sir. Any more and it might not go over too well with some of the old timers.

TRICKY: I take it from what you say that you would positively rule out my wearing a dress. Something simple. A basic black, say.

MILITARY COACH: Not necessary, sir.

TRICKY: How about earrings?

MILITARY COACH: No, I think you’re fine as you are, sir.

TRICKY: The point is I don’t want to come off as just a sissy. Five o’clock ‘shadow and all, I really have to watch myself in that department.

SPIRITUAL COACH: Mr. President, if I may, in. your eagerness to do the right thing for the nation, I. think you may be overlooking a small technical point. Homosexuals have intercourse also.

TRICKY ( stunned ): They do?. How?

( Here the Spiritual Coach takes Tricky by the handmuch as he might comfort one in bereavementand, leaning forward, discreetly whispers the answer into the President’s ear )

TRICKY ( recoiling ): Why, that’s awful! That’s disgusting! You’re making that up!

SPIRITUAL COACH: Would that I were, Mr. President.

TRICKY: But — but — ( Here he leans forward to whisper into the Reverend’s ear )

SPIRITUAL COACH: I suppose they don’t care about that, Mr. President.

TRICKY ( outraged ): But that’s bestial! That’s monstrous! This is America! And I’m the President of America! And — and — ( turning in bewilderment to the other coaches ) listen, do you people realize what’s going on in this country? Do you know what he just told me?

POLITICAL COACH: I think we do, Mr. President.

TRICKY: But that’s grotesque! Uccchhy! It makes my lip crawl!

POLITICAL COACH: To be sure, Mr. President. But nonetheless in terms of the problem that is facing us, it happens to be neither here nor there. The point is this: homosexuals, regardless of whatever else they may do, are in no way involved in the sort of sexual activity that produces fetuses — and that is still what these Boy Scouts are up in arms about. Consequently, if you were to go on TV and say you were a homosexual, in the minds of most Americans you would have cleared yourself of the charge the Boy Scouts are making, that you are a heterosexual activist. You’ll be entirely in the clear.

TRICKY: I see.. I see… Okay — I’ll do it! There — that’s the way to be in a crisis: decisive! Just as I wrote in my book, summarizing what I learned during General Poppapower’s heart attacks, “Decisive action relieves the tension which builds up in a crisis. When the situation requires that an individual restrain himself from acting decisively over a long period, this can be the most wearing of all crises.”

You see, it isn’t even what you decide — it’s that you decide. Otherwise there’s that darn tension; too much, and, I tell you, a person could probably crack up. And I for one will not crack up while I am President of the United States. I want that to be perfectly clear. If you read my book, you’ll see that my entire career has been devoted to not cracking up, as much as to anything. And I don’t intend to start now. Cool, confident and decisive. I’ll do it — I’ll say I’m a queer!

LEGAL COACH: I wouldn’t if I were you, Mr. President.

TRICKY: You wouldn’t?

LEGAL COACH: Nope, not if I were the President of the United States. Why should you? At the time of the Checkers Speech, when you were only a candidate for the Vice Presidency, of course it. was necessary to explain and apologize and be humble and tell them how much money you owed your Mommy and Daddy and that you had a doggie and so on. Look, I wouldn’t have objected back then if you had gotten down on your hands and knees on television, and demeaned and debased yourself in whatever way was most natural to you, in order to come to power. But now you are in power. Now you are the President. And who are those kids in the street, leveling these outlandish charges at you? They’re kids, in a street. I don’t care what kind of uniforms they wear, they are still not adults in houses. And that makes all the difference in the world.

TRICKY: Your suggestion then is what?

LEGAL COACH: No less than any other citizen in this country, Mr. President, you still have recourse to the law. I say use it. I say round ‘em up, put ‘em in the clink, and throw the key away.

MILITARY COACH: Objection! Enough mollycoddling of the enemy. Let’s get it over with once and for all. Shoot ‘em!

TRICKY ( considering ) : Interesting idea. I mean that is just about as decisive as you can get, isn’t it? But may I ask, General, shoot ‘em after we round ‘em up, or before? This of course is the problem we always have, isn’t it?

MILITARY COACH: After, sir, and we are running the same old risk.

LEGAL COACH: On the other hand, General, be fore and don’t think you aren’t running a risk too. Before, and I can tell you now, sure as we’re sitting here, you are going to get those civil rights nuts down on your neck, and I tell you they are a great big pain in the ass to everybody involved, and can tie up my staff for days at a time.

MILITARY COACH: Granted, they are a nuisance. But after, and you are going to get yourself mired down with these Boy Scouts just the way we are mired down in Southeast Asia. After, and you are sacrificing what is fundamental to the success of any attack: the element of surprise. Common sense tells us that even the enemy is not so stupid as to stand around waiting to be shot, but if he has had sufficient warning that he is about to be killed, will take some kind of cowardly and, often enough, vicious means of protecting his life, such as fighting back. Now I, of course, abhor that kind of deviousness as much as anyone; nonetheless we must face up to it: these people haven’t the slightest sense of fair play, and many of them will not even stand still waiting around to be jailed, let alone killed.

And what about the moral issue? I have a conscience to live with, gentlemen, I have a tradition to uphold, I am responsible to something more important than dollars and cents. And I tell you, I will not mollycoddle the enemy at the risk of American lives, unless of course I am ordered to do so. Mr. President, I must speak from my heart, I would be remiss as a General of the United States Army if I did not. Mr. President, if on the day you took office we had, with your permission, lined up and shot every single Vietnamese we could find, by so doing we would have saved fifteen thousand American lives. Instead, sir, following the course of action that you have ordered as Commander-in-Chief, and shooting and blowing them up piecemeal, catch as catch can, ten here, twenty there, and so on, we have suffered severe losses of both men and materials.

Admittedly, by doggedly pursuing your strategy, we are now beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel. And I have every hope that we will be able to help you make good on your promise to the American people, that by Election Day 1972, and according to your own secret timetable, you will have accomplished the complete withdrawal of the Vietnamese people from Vietnam.

My point, sir, is that we have ways of accomplishing such withdrawals in a matter of hours. I beg of you, Mr. President, let us not repeat the errors of Vietnam in our own backyard.

LEGAL COACH: Of course, Mr. President, I can not fault the General on his tactical wisdom, and believe me, I am not for a moment worried about taking on these civil-rights nuts. It’s just that if we shoot these Scouts in the street before we round ‘em up and jail ‘em, it is, as I said, going to create an awful lot of unnecessary busywork for my staff, many of them first-rate young men whom I can employ at far more useful and worthwhile tasks. However, before or after, Mr. President, whichever you choose, you can count on my support. But for you to go on TV and make a confession, or an apology, or any kind of explanation for yourself whatsoever, well, to my mind, nothing could more seriously undermine your moral and political authority, or constitute a graver threat to the cause of law and order. I will even go so far as to say that if you appear in any way to give ground on this issue — or any issue for that matter — you will be opening the floodgates to anarchy, socialism, communism, welfarism, defeatism, pacifism, perversion, pornography, prostitution, mob rule, drug addiction, free love, alcoholism, and desecration of the flag. You’ll see a rise just in jaywalking that will stagger the imagination. Now I don’t mean to throw a scare into anyone, but the fact is a vast criminal element in this country is waiting for just a single sign of weakness in our leader, so as to make its move. Anything at all that might suggest to them that Trick E. Dixon is not totally in control, of himself and the nation, and I hate to tell you what would follow.