Miasha: Secret Society

“What envelope, the card?”

“No, the envelope that was in back of the picture. Go look,” Tina demanded.

I got up off my bed and walked over to the framed poster-sized painting of Tina and me on my twenty-first birthday a year ago. We were smiling ear to ear, posed up in the Range Rover, holding a bottle of Cristal and a wad of money. It brought back many memories. I turned the picture around and saw a white envelope wrapped in the plastic.

“I see it,” I told Tina as I made a hole in the plastic.

“Open it! Hurry up!” Tina said excitedly.

I got the envelope out of the plastic and opened it. Inside was a bunch of papers stapled together and folded. I opened them, and a loose paper fell out into my lap.

I read the letter aloud. “ ‘Celess, this is the first birthday since we met that you spent without me, and it has made me realize just how much I miss you.’”

I looked at the bundle of papers. Meanwhile, Tina was silent on the other end of the phone.

“A deed?” I asked, confused as hell.

“It’s a three-bedroom, two-bath condo, on the hill, fireplace, high ceilings, the works, and it’s for you. Happy birthday!”

“Tina, I don’t get it,” I said, still confused.

“Celess, it’s not rocket science! I want you to move down here,” Tina snapped.

“What? Move to L.A.? But what am I gonna do down there?” I asked, dumbfounded.

“Don’t worry about all that. You’re my girl. You know I got you,” Tina assured me.

“I know you’re well off, but that’s for now. It’s no guarantee you’ll be married to Derrek forever. I mean, he is twice your age. And I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to depend on his money. Shit, I’m not the nigga’s wife,” I told her.

“Well, we’re gonna ride the bitch till the wheels fall off,” Tina said. “And if push comes to shove, we’ll go back to runnin’ G on niggas for a living.”

“Now, that’s the Tina I know!” I said, getting all excited.

“So are you coming or what?”

There was a brief silence. I thought about Michael. I was really feeling him, and you could call it love, but I knew the reality of our situation and it was already in my mind that one day our relationship would have to end-one day soon.

“All right,” I said.

Tina screamed joyously on the other end of the phone. I was happy too, but I just needed time to take it all in.

Tina and I made plans to bring the New Year in together one last time in Philly where it all began. I was expecting her in two weeks, and we had major plans. In the meantime I had a lot of preparing to do for my new life in L.A. I had to work on selling my house and my car. I had to do something with my furniture. But the most difficult thing I had to do was wrap things up with Michael. I kept trying to pipe myself up. The day would come sooner or later, I told myself. Even if I stayed in Philly, I would not have been able to maintain a relationship with him for but so long.

“L.A.? For what?” Michael asked.

“To be with Tina,” I said softly.

“Tina’s married. She has her husband out there with her. What does she need you there for?”

“You don’t understand,” I said.

“Well, then, help me understand. I mean, I opened you a hair salon, which I thought was your dream come true, and now after only three months you’re ready to just up and abandon it. And what about us? Correct me if I’m wrong, Celess, but I thought we had something good going on.”

“We did, we do, but it’s just that…” I took a deep breath. “I’m not all what I’m cracked up to be.” I sighed.

Michael sat back on the couch and put his hands over his face. He shook his head and then looked at me, confused.

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“Listen, Michael, I like you a lot. Honestly. I’ve been with a few dudes and none of them were anything like you. I mean, I don’t know how to say this, but I’m used to ballin’ dudes who fine as shit and can have any girl they want but still take care of me-”

Michael cut me off. “So what are you saying? You’re some type of whore?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes!” I said, pissed.

Michael was dumbfounded. I caught him off guard. He did not expect that answer.

“What?”

“I was a whore, okay? I fucked guys for money, cars, clothes, this house! Just like I fucked you for that hair salon!”

Pop! Michael slapped me right across my face. I was stunned. I didn’t know whether to hit him back or just tell him to get the fuck out. My instincts told me to go with the latter.

“Get the fuck out of my house,” I said, holding my stinging face.

“I’m not going anywhere until you give me a fuckin’ explanation! I didn’t give you that salon for sex. I gave it to you because I actually cared enough about you to help you achieve your fuckin’ goal! You’re right, Celess, I’m nothing like the guys you’re used to dealing with. I’m not a trick. I don’t pay for sex. I was looking for a woman, a relationship, somebody I could share good things with, not some convenient pussy!”

“Well, that’s just what I mean, Michael! I’m not that one! I’m not the girl you marry!” I shouted with tears streaming down my face.

“I’m a slut whore with no fuckin’ morals or values or feelings! I’m a fuckup! Okay? I’m a fuckup!”

Michael grabbed me and squeezed me in his arms. I started crying heavily, and as much as I should have, I couldn’t resist him. I had fallen deep for him. I wanted him more than I knew, but it was no way. It was not possible. I was a man. I could never have what a woman has and that’s what Michael wanted so desperately.

“You’re not a fuckup. Maybe you just made some mistakes. Okay, I’m sorry. You’re sorry. Let’s work this out, okay?” Michael asked with cracks in his voice.

He continued, “I was being selfish. When I go out of town on business for months at a time, you understand. I should have been the same way with you, I’m sorry. And I swear to God I am sorry for putting my hands on you. I should have never done that no matter what. No matter how mad you make me, I will never touch you again.”

Michael held me in his arms and went on and on. I was still crying and even he started to shed some tears. He really was trying to make it work, and that made it worse for me because I knew it wouldn’t.

“Celess, I want to be with you more than anything. I’ve been looking high and low for a woman like you, and now that I have you I’m not trying to let you go,” Michael said.

“Michael,” I whimpered, “I’m moving to L.A. I made up my mind. And as bad as I want to be with you, I can’t. We’ll be too far away. It just wouldn’t work.”

Michael stepped back and looked into my eyes. His face was damp from his tears. He held my arms down to my sides.

“Look at me, Celess,” he said as he placed one of his hands on my chin and gently lifted my face, forcing me to look into his eyes.

“I love you, Celess. I do. I will move to L.A. with you. I want to be with you, Celess, bad. And I won’t let you leave me,” he said seriously.

I dropped my head and stared down at the floor. My heart was burning. I wanted to scream. I loved this man and he loved me, but despite that, we could never have the meaningful relationship that we both wanted. A million thoughts a minute were running through my mind. I kept hearing Tina’s voice saying, “Tell him, he might not mind, tell him.” I thought about it. Michael loved me so much that if I did tell him right here and now that I was really a man, gay or not, he probably would still want to be with me. But what if he didn’t? What if he snapped? But if he did snap, what was the worst he could do? Leave? That’s what I wanted, anyway, so I figured what the hell. I weighed my options. If I tell him and he stays, I’ll finally be free, I thought. I will be able to get out of the game for good. If I tell him and he leaves, I can get on that plane in two weeks and start a whole new life in L.A. It seemed like a winwin situation for me.