Miasha: Secret Society

“Hey, Selena, what’s up? It’s Mann. Give me a call, all right? Peace.”

My man is back now, I have no need for you, I thought.

The next message was from Tina. “Celess, girl, you have to call me! You won’t believe who I saw down here!”

I picked up the phone to call her. I hadn’t spoken to her in a while, anyway, and I needed to update her, especially about Tariq giving me that AIDS scare.

“Hi, Derrek, is Tina there?”

“Hey, Celess, honey, how’ve you been, darling?”

“Oh, just fine, thanks for asking. How about yourself? I heard the honeymoon was nice,” I said.

“It was magnificent, thanks. But hold on, here she is.”

“Hello,” Tina said.

“What’s up, girl?”

“What’s up?”

“I got your message.”

“Oh, Celess!” Tina said. “I saw James yesterday!”

“For real? Where?”

“Me and Derrek had floor seats to the Lakers versus the Rockets. Why was this nigga standing right near us while he was waiting to substitute some dude? He looked me right in the eye and gave a ice grill out this world. I just smiled. Derrek was like, what was that about? I was like, I used to tease the hell out of his nerd-ass in school.”

“For real,” I said. “So, he’s still pissed off, hahn?”

“Girl, pissed ain’t the word. If looks could kill, yall would be planning my funeral right now.”

“Well, I’m over that. I took your advice. I slowed down a lot. I just fuck with Michael right now and I strap up with him, especially after Tariq called me with the bullshit he called me with.”

“What bullshit did Tariq call you with?”

“This nigga got HIV, Tina.”

“What? Well, what about you, are you straight?”

“I’m cool,” I said.

“You went and got tested?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, when did he tell you this? I mean, why are you just now tellin’ me? I would’ve flew up there and went to the doctors with you,” Tina insisted.

“I know, but it’s cool. You were in Italy with Derrek. Plus I wasn’t about to have you worrying about me on ya honeymoon, you know?”

Tina exhaled. “That’s crazy,” she said. “That’s why I’m glad I’m out. I’m glad I’m done. That game will swallow you up.”

“No bullshit,” I agreed.

Tina quickly changed the subject. “So, the last time we spoke, you were debating whether or not you were going to go to Power House by yourself. Did you go?”

“Yeah. And I met this guy named Mann, a promoter.”

“You fucked him?” Tina butted in.

“Tina,” I whined, “I was lonely and I needed that G.”

“A measly G? The last I checked, you had a nigga buying you hair salons. What do you mean, you needed that G?”

“I still got my other needs. Tina, come on, don’t act like you don’t know. Shit, I need more than my bills paid. I need my image maintained, and Premarin and electrolysis never been cheap. What am I supposed to do, stop taking my hormones and grow a beard? I don’t think so.”

“Celess, but you gotta stop getting those needs met like that. You’re already pressing your luck with Michael.”

“How?”

“He doesn’t know you are a man, Celess, that’s how!”

“Just like Khalil, Drake, Jahuan, et cetera, et cetera, didn’t know you were a man!”

“Right! And I could have got my ass killed!”

“So you’re telling me that if you never found Derrek and never got married, you would have still got out the game?”

“I don’t know, Celess. It was Derrek who made me even think about the shit I was doing. So, honestly, probably not. If I never met Derrek I would not have even thought about getting out the game, but I did. And everything happens for a reason.”

“Well, my reason didn’t come to me yet. What am I supposed to do?”

“Celess, tell Michael. He’s a nice guy and he loves you. He might not mind. I have ideas about him, anyway. He might be gay or he might be bi. Just tell him,” Tina pleaded. “Before it’s too late.”

What Tina said about Michael weighed heavily on my mind for days. Every time I saw him I wanted to tell him. I didn’t know if it was all in my mind or not, but it did seem like Michael could have been gay. The way he dressed was clue number one. But he wasn’t feminine. It was little things like his neatness and his emphasis on personal hygiene. I didn’t know. Maybe I just wanted him to be gay so that I could tell him about me and we could go on and have what Tina and Derrek had. That would have been the only way I would have satisfied Tina and left the game for good, even if Michael can’t give me all the things I was used to. I could learn to be content with the life he was capable of giving me.

“Damn, what did I do to deserve this?” Michael asked as he walked into my dining room.

“What haven’t you done?” I said as I pulled the chair out for him to sit down.

Michael was pleased with the surprise candlelit dinner I had prepared for him. He was smiling and didn’t look ready to stop.

I took his coat for him and laid it on the couch. He had on a pair of carpenter jeans and a white long john shirt. After all, he did just think he was coming over to dig my car out of the snow.

“For somebody who spent a whole day cooking, you sure look good,” he said, referring to my red leather Bebe pants and my red bustier-like blouse. “Are you sure you slaved over a hot stove, or is this take-out?” he teased.

“Just because you never seen a cook look as good as me does not mean it ain’t possible,” I shot back.

I served Michael his spaghetti and meatballs and his side salad. I poured him a glass of hot apple cider. I buttered his dinner rolls, and then I sat across from him. The table was set perfect and I had Sade playing softly from the stereo in the living room. The mood was just right.

“Um, this is pretty good,” Michael said, complimenting me on my meal.

“I’m glad you like it. I put my foot in this.”

“Well, it tastes like you put your butt in it too, ’cause it’s bootylicious,” Michael joked.

I just giggled and then started contemplating how I was going to tell him. I had practiced over and over. First, I planned to get on the topic of gay men and see what his reactions would be. Then, if my instincts told me to, I would come out and tell him.

“Next time I’ll be expecting you to cook for me,” I said.

“That is not a problem, ’cause I can throw down,” Michael said, stuffing a forkful of spaghetti in his mouth.

“Is that right?”

“That’s right,” Michael said with confidence.

“Well, you know what they say about men who can cook?”

“What’s that?”

“They’re usually fat or gay…and you’re not fat,” I said, lifting my eyes from my plate and onto him.

He looked up at me and said, “I’m very happy.”

I just smiled. I couldn’t do it. He didn’t give me a readable response. It was then that I knew it would never work between us. There was no way I would be able to keep my secret from him much longer, and without him knowing the truth, I would have to distance myself from him. On that note, I decided to just keep doing what I’d been doing. It was what I knew best, anyway. It was what got me all I had now. I had to withdraw some of my feelings for Michael. I had to go back to my old ways. I had to keep playing.

“Hap-py birth-day toooo yooou, Hap-py birth-day tooo yooou, Hap-py birth-day dear Celeesss, Hap-py birth-day tooooooo yooooou,” Tina sang over the phone.

“Thank you,” I said modestly. “And thank you for the picture. It’s bangin’.”

“You’re welcome. I knew you would like it. That was back when it was just you and me runnin’ the streets. Did you get that envelope?”