Jen Lancaster - If You Were Here

You know how families stage interventions to force their loved ones to stop a destructive behavior like drugs or alcohol? Ann Marie’s husband gathered all her friends, family, and associates to beg her to please start smoking again because her attempts at quitting were ruining the lives of everyone around her.

She’s gotten her habit down to the point that she’ll smoke only at work. Her office is located in a municipal building — not only does everyone in the building turn the other way when she blatantly violates the city’s no-smoking statute, but her boss even had a special fan and vent system installed for her. In college we used to call her “the Bear,” which was short for “Don’t taunt the bear.”

“No, smarty-pants, they didn’t. None of our top choices were available, and I’m so disappointed. The one guy would have kept us in stitches, and there was a female contractor who was just so cool and interesting. The third guy was all Zen and socially responsible and I loved knowing that my hiring him would directly benefit Habitat for Humanity.”

While we chat, I’m lying on the couch in the library, staring up at the gaping holes in the ceiling. Because we have such extensive termite damage, the handyman we contacted after the fact couldn’t repair the openings and we have to wait for our contractor. On the one hand, I’m a fan of how much more light this room gets, but on the other, I’m not so thrilled by the source. Given the choice, I’d rather have a dark library and two additional functioning bathrooms.

I go on: “Plus, I really looked forward to having coffee with them before they started work for the day. I’d try to make them happy to come to the job site with theme breakfasts and stuff. Monday could be Munchkin Doughnut Day, followed by Turkey Bacon Tuesday and Waffle Wednesday. I can’t think of anything for Thursday yet, but we’d have Fresh Fruit Friday and, if they wanted overtime, Sausage, Egg, and Cheese (Biscuit) Saturday.”

“That’s not the worst idea you ever had.” When she says it like that, I’m not sure I want to ask her what my worst idea ever was, because I suspect I don’t want to hear the answer.

“Um, thank you? Anyway, the guide actually stressed hiring someone you’d want to have over for dinner. Doing quality work is only one aspect. When you’re going to have a person managing a team in your house for what could be months, you have to make sure your personalities mesh or the experience is going to be awful for everyone.”

Ann Marie is noncommittal on her end of the phone. “I see. Go on.”

“I guess it’s understandable that these contractors are all busy, because they interviewed so well. The guide said you don’t want a contractor who actually needs the work. But that’s kind of weird to me. Like, why are they even going out to talk to potential new clients if they won’t have time to take you on?”

“Ours is not to ask why,” Ann Marie replies. See? Do you see how much calmer and more serene she is while she’s smoking? One of her tricks is to deny herself cigarettes when she’s going to court because it makes her extra aggressive. 123

“What really sucks is that none of the B-teams we interviewed can take our job, either. I guess with summer coming on, everyone’s Is really ratcheting up the home repairs.”

I can hear Ann Marie exhale sharply on the other end of the line. “None of them? How many second choices did you have?”

“We did seven interviews in all, three we loved and four we really liked. All of them came highly recommended.”

“Uh-huh, and did they all seem interested in the job when you first approached them?” She’s trying to get at something, but I’m not too concerned. She’s always trying to get at something. She sees conspiracy theories everywhere. When her kids were younger and she’d watch children’s programming with them, she’d always go on and on about the Sesame Street industrial complex. 124

“Well, yeah, or else they wouldn’t have met with us. As of now, to fix everything in this place, it’s a six-figure job. We had to take out a second mortgage to pay for it all.”

When I say the cost out loud, I get a stomach cramp. I knew everything would be expensive and that the home’s price reflected the need for updates, but there’s still something about seeing all those zeroes on a piece of paper that makes me more than a little queasy. Do you know how much melodramatic zombie longing I’ll have to write to compensate for that kind of money? For six figures, I may even have to let Mose and Ishmael get to second base with their crushes. 125Argh.

“To recap, you’ve met with seven contractors and you already have your financing secured. This is a big-ticket job and it’s the kind of project that will keep crews working all summer. Am I right so far?”

“You are.” Ann Marie’s always been a recapper. Back in college, we’d lie in our bunk beds at night and she’d be all, “So after he kissed you at the formal, you went outside and barfed blackberry schnapps into the fountain? And then you lost your shoe when? On the bus or before you fell down the stairs?” 126

I can hear Ann Marie push smoke out of her nose, something she does only when she’s ruminating. “Mmm-hmm, so what you’re telling me is that in a depressed economy and in a market where new housing starts are down by an average of seventy-three percent since their peak in January 2006, all the decent contractors in your area are too busy to take hundreds of thousands of dollars from you.”

Now I’m confused. “I guess so?”

“Mia, I’d like you to do me a favor. Call every available contractor in your area, interview them immediately, right this minute, and if you find someone decent, sign a contract on the spot. Can you do that for me?”

“But the guide says—”

“Do you trust me?”

I don’t even have to mull this over. “With my life. But Mac will—”

“ Thank me . Mac will thank me. Call them all. Now. We’ll cut our call short so you can get started. Off you go.”

Wow. That was even bossier than usual.

I bet she’s been smoking light cigarettes again.

“How many other jobs does your company have going right now?” Mac asks the gentleman sitting across from us at the kitchen table.

The man scratches his head while he thinks, a task made far more challenging due to his blond dreadlocks. He shifts his eyes upward and starts counting off on his grubby fingers. “Um. . I guess that would be. . none at the moment. Hey, you got any more coffee?” He shakes his cup at me. “Sugar, too. I like them little cubes.” I cross to the counter to retrieve the sugar bowl and he ignores the small silver tongs, choosing instead to plunge in bare-handed. I do my best to conceal my shudder.

Mac is undeterred. “When you’re on a job, what kind of hours do you put in on a typical day?”

The man yawns and stretches in such a way that he exposes the bulk of his hirsute belly. “I like to get in when I get in and work until I don’t want to work anymore.”

“Can you clarify? Are you more likely to start early or stay late?” Mac questions.

“I’m more likely to start late and finish early. I like to be done for the day around, ahem , four twenty.” Then he waggles his bushy, unkempt eyebrows at us, causing some random bit of crud to fall off his face. I try hard not to retch.

I tacitly ignore the implication of drug usage and then I hit him with a couple of my own questions. “Who’ll be on-site managing the project every day?”

“I try to be on-site every day. But some days. . eh, you know how it is. If I’m not here, I send in Nugget. If Nugget can’t make it, I send in Cheeba. If Cheeba can’t make it, then it musta been some party the night before.” Then he laughs so hard his dreads shake.