Fannie Flagg - I Still Dream About You

T HE NEXT MORNING, MAGGIE WOKE UP AND REALIZED: SHE COULDN’T have picked a better date if she’d tried. Leaving on November 3, the day right before the presidential election, was perfect. Now that the Miss America Pageant was no longer being shown on network television, being an ex-Miss Alabama or even second runner-up at the national level no longer carried the weight it once had. But you could never be sure. Had she done it earlier, on a slow news day, some bored reporter could have picked up the story, and she might have wound up as a joke on a late-night TV show. Some people could be so terribly unkind. They didn’t understand the tremendous pressure and the responsibility that went along with the title or how stressful being a role model could be, but Maggie did, it had taken a large toll on her. And now she was bound and determined not to make her same old mistake: waiting too long to do something until it was too late to do it!

At least she was leaving while she had some of her looks left; her skin was still nice, thanks to the fact that she had always stayed out of the sun and what little gardening she had done, she had done at night with a flashlight. However, she had noticed that what used to be freckles on the backs of her hands were now starting to look a lot like old-age spots. She had a few gray streaks here and there, but Glen had been able to blend them in with her highlights so they looked natural. Even so, there was simply no two ways about it: she was like a carton of milk whose expiration date was just about up.

Of course, Maggie knew that winding up like this was terribly sad, and she could have spent what little time she had left being miserable and feeling sorry for herself, but there was definitely a bright side to departing this world early. Just this morning, she had made out a brand-new “Pros and Cons” list on the subject, and even she had been surprised at the results.

16 Perfectly Good Reasons to Jump in the River

Pros

1. No old age (no face-lifts, knee or hip replacements, etc.)

2. No more hair dyeing

3. No more having to make decisions

4. No more bad TV dinners

5. Dentist or doctor’s appointments, etc.

6. No more unpleasant surprises

7. Answering e-mail

8. No more Babs Bingington

9. No more sleepless nights

10. Having to make a living

11. Paying bills and doing taxes

12. Fighting traffic

13. No more regrets

14. Having to watch bad news on TV

15. No more bad news, period

16. No more worries

Cons

1. Missing spring in Mountain Brook

2. Missing fall in Mountain Brook

When she saw everything written down in black and white, she had to admit that the pros still had it, hands down. Number 16 alone clinched it. Last night, she had lost another two hours of sleep, worrying about Crestview again. Not having to worry about anything ever again was something else she was really looking forward to.

SHE WENT DOWN the hall and pulled out the last box of her parents’ papers and started putting them in stacks. She guessed she could just throw them all out and not bother to shred them. There was no need to be concerned about identity theft now.

A few minutes later, when she saw their burial policies, something suddenly occurred to her. Since she was not going to be using her cemetery plot, maybe she should give it to some needy person. It was in a very nice spot. But her parents had gone to a lot of expense and had bought the plots on a layaway plan because they had wanted the family to be together. What would they think if a total stranger suddenly showed up next to them? She didn’t know if she believed in an afterlife or not, but she decided that on the off chance they would know, she’d better just leave it empty. Then she suddenly realized something else. Since she was their only living relative, she needed to make long-term arrangements about flowers for her parents’ graves, so she pulled out another piece of paper and began another list.

Yearly Floral Arrangements for Mother and Daddy

1. Christmas

2. Easter

3. Mother’s Birthday

4. Daddy’s Birthday

5. Mother’s Day

6. Father’s Day

7. Memorial Day

The only days she could eliminate with a clear conscience would be their birthdays, but even when eliminating the two birthdays, it would still cost around $375 a year. She then made an educated guess at how many more years she might have been around. Considering the fact that she was still pretty healthy, and averaging out the age at which both her parents had died, she thought eighty-five was a fair place to stop the flowers. So, twenty-five times $375 came to… good Lord. That was a lot of money, but she couldn’t just leave them without any remembrance on the holidays.

She looked in the telephone book for the name of a florist on the other side of town. She couldn’t call people she knew, like Bill over at Park Lane or Norton’s Flowers; they might suspect something. She looked in the yellow pages and found a florist she had never heard of; a woman answered.

“Bon-Ton Flowers, may I help you?”

Maggie could tell by her accent that the woman was not southern, and she was glad. She probably didn’t know who she was, or even if she did, she probably wouldn’t care.

“Yes, hello… uh, I’m going to be out of town this Christmas, and I was wondering if I could have flowers delivered to my parents’ graves. Do you deliver to cemeteries?”

“Yes, ma’am, we sure do, and I’d be happy to arrange that for you… Is that going to be Forrest Lawn or Pine Rest?”

“Forrest Lawn. I have the location numbers. Lot 7, Section 196, and the names are Anna Grace and William Herbert Fortenberry.”

“That’s Anna Grace and William Herbert?”

“Yes…”

“And what price range would you like on that, hon?”

“Oh… I was thinking around seventy-five?”

“Seventy-five… alrighty then, we can do up something real nice for that, unless you want balloons. If you want balloons, that’s fifteen dollars extra.”

“No, just the flowers. I think.”

“Okay… that’s fine, and what do you want on the card?”

“The card?” Maggie was suddenly caught off guard; she hadn’t thought about the card. “Oh… well. Oh dear, uh… just say, ‘Love, Margaret,’ I guess.”

“Okay, hon… we’ll have it out there for them bright and early Christmas morning, and how do you want to pay for this?”

“MasterCard.”

“Can I get that credit card number from you?”

“Yes, but I’m also going to need to have you give me the total cost for arrangements for Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and Memorial Day.”

The woman sounded surprised. “Oh, I see… well… just how long do you plan to be out of town?”

There was a pause. Then Maggie said, “About twenty-five years.”

The conversation did not go well after that, but after talking to the woman for a while, Maggie convinced her that she was serious, and the woman finally took her credit card number and started the process. Before she left, Maggie would send a check to MasterCard to cover the exact amount plus whatever other expenses she might have.

A FEW MINUTES later, Mrs. Thelma Shellnut, the woman at Bon-Ton Flowers, walked into the back and said to her husband, “I swear, Otis, what some people won’t do to get out of going to the cemetery.”

Otis looked up from his Reader’s Digest article. “What?”

“You should have heard the tall tale this woman told me: said she was going to be traveling and needed to have arrangements delivered for the next twenty-five years. Traveling, my left foot-she’s just too lazy to visit her parents’ graves, if you ask me.”