Melanie Gideon - Wife 22

“Yes, whether she prefers Twinkies or fruit pies. Why do you always have to exaggerate? And why are you treating me this way? I’m your best friend, not your client. I expected to you to be on my side, not William’s.”

“I am on your side, Alice. This is me being on your side. Don’t go meet him. ”

“I don’t have a choice.”

“Fine. Don’t expect me to be waiting here when you come back. I can’t be your confidante. Not on this front. I won’t lie for you. For the record, I think you’re making a huge mistake.”

“Yes, you’ve made that very clear. I assume you’ll be finding a new maid of honor? One who isn’t such a whore?”

Nedra inhales sharply.

I fantasize about throwing the phone against the wall in lieu of hanging up, but I can’t afford to buy a new one, and I am not in some Nora Ephron movie (as much as I would like to be because if I were, I’d know no matter how horrible things got, there would be a happy ending on New Year’s Eve), so instead I stab Off on the phone with my finger, leaving a permanent smudge of Clairol Nice ’n Easy Medium Golden Brown on the screen.

From C REATIVE P LAYMAKING

Exercise: Now write that same breakup scene in two sentences.

“Don’t do it,” says the best friend.

“I have to,” says the protagonist.

July 28th is a perfect summer day. No humidity and a temp of 75. I spend an hour upstairs in my bedroom agonizing over what to wear to meet Researcher 101. A skirt and sandals? Too schoolgirlish. A sundress? Trying too hard. In the end I settle on jeans and a peasant shirt, but I put on some of the new makeup Nedra bought for me: mascara and a quick swipe of blush. This is the real me and it will have to do. If he doesn’t like it, tough. The conversation I had with Nedra has completely shaken me up. I almost want to disappoint 101. To turn him off, so I don’t have to make any decision and he can make it for me.

Downstairs, Caroline and William are making a salad. When I walk into the kitchen William looks up, startled. “You look nice,” he says. “Are you going somewhere?”

“Meeting Nedra for a cup of tea after dinner, so I’ll have to eat quickly.”

“Since when does Nedra drink tea in the evening?”

“She says she has something to talk to me about.”

“That sounds ominous.”

“You know Nedra.”

I’m stunned by my ability to lie so effortlessly.

The doorbell rings and I look at my watch. 6:00.

“Are the kids expecting anybody?”

William shrugs.

I walk to the door in my espadrilles, taking the opportunity to practice a sexier gait. I put a little sway into it, dip my head to the side coquettishly. I swivel around to make sure William hasn’t seen me. He’s standing in front of a cupboard, studying its contents. I open the front door.

“Alice,” cries Bunny. “It’s been so long!”

The next few hours pass like this.

6:01:I try and wipe the stunned look off my face. We’ve gotten the dates messed up. We thought Bunny and Jack were arriving tomorrow night, but here they are, a day early, standing on the doorstep.

6:03:Jampo comes racing to the door, barking furiously.

6:04:Jampo bites Bunny on the leg, drawing blood. Bunny cries out in pain.

6:05:Hearing the scream, William, Caroline, Zoe, and Peter run into the hallway.

6:07:Triage in the kitchen in the form of me babbling on endlessly. It’s just a nip, not a bite. Where are the Band-Aids? Do we have Neosporin? That’s not Neosporin, it’s Krazy Glue.

6:09:William grits his teeth as he cleans Bunny’s wound.

6:10:I check the time.

6:15:William asks who would like a drink.

6:17:I open a bottle of pinot noir and pour the adults a glass.

6:19:I drain my glass and pour another glug.

6:20:William suggests I slow down.

6:30:The buzzer goes off and William takes the macaroni and cheese out of the oven.

6:31:Everybody exclaims how good it smells and how they can’t wait to eat it.

6:35:The pros and cons of using Gruyère over the more traditional cheddar when making homemade macaroni and cheese are discussed and parsed.

6:40:I tell Bunny and Jack how thrilled I am to have them come stay with us.

6:45:Bunny inquires as to whether I’m feeling well. I say I’m feeling fine, why does she ask? She says something about the beads of sweat that are popping out on my forehead.

6:48:Bunny asks Caroline how her job search is going.

6:49:Caroline tells her “great!”; she’s been appointed the new CEO of Google.

6:51:I tell everybody that I’m very, very sorry but I have a previous engagement that I can’t miss and I can’t call to cancel because Nedra dropped her cellphone in the toilet yesterday and therefore I have no way to reach her.

6:51:William pulls me aside and says he can’t believe I’m still going-Bunny and Jack have just arrived.

6:52:I tell him I’m sorry, but I have to go.

6:52:William reminds me that having Bunny and Jack come stay with us was my idea. It’s not fair to make him play host alone. He asks me please not to go.

6:53:I go.

7:05:High on adrenaline, I arrive at Tea & Circumstances and grab a table. Researcher 101 is late, too.

7:12:I check the time.

7:20:I open the Facebook app on my phone. No new posts and he’s not online.

7:25:I order a lemon tea. I’d rather have coffee, but I don’t want to risk the bad breath.

7:26.I check Facebook.

7:27:I check Facebook again.

7:28:I turn my phone off and on.

7:42:I feel middle-aged.

7:48.I send him a Facebook message. Did we say seven or eight? Maybe we said eight. Anyway, I’m here!

8:15:You stupid, stupid woman.

I look down at my espadrilles, and at the lip gloss smeared on the rim of my mug. My body shudders, starting from my toes and working all the way up to my shoulders.

“Are you okay?” asks the waitress gently, a minute later.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” I mumble.

“You’re sure?”

“I just got some bad news.”

“Oh-gosh. I’m so sorry. Can I help?”

“No, thank you.”

“Okay. Well, please don’t hesitate to let me know if you need anything. Anything at all.” She hurries off.

I sit at the table, my head buried in my arms. Suddenly my phone chimes. It’s a Facebook message from John Yossarian.

I’m so sorry. Something unexpected came up.

I look at the words in shock. Okay, okay, okay. There’s a reason he didn’t come. But who does he think he is, standing me up? I swing between wanting desperately to believe him and wanting to tell him to fuck off, but before I can stop myself I type I was worried something had happened to you .

My phone chimes again almost instantly.

Thank you so much for understanding. I’m not playing games. I wanted to be there more than anything. You have to believe me.

I glance up from my phone. Tea & Circumstances is deserted. Apparently nobody wants Tea & Circumstances after 8 p.m. I read and reread his last two messages. Although he’s saying all the right things, I don’t think I’ve ever felt lonelier. Did something really come up? Was he even planning on coming to meet me? Or did he change his mind at the last minute? Did he decide he liked me better at a distance? That meeting the real me would ruin his fantasy? And what about my fantasy? That there was a real man out there who saw me. A man who couldn’t stop thinking about me. A man who made me feel like a woman worthy of being obsessed about. What if the truth is that Researcher 101 is just some stupid jerk who gets off on leading pathetic, lonely, middle-aged women on?