Melanie Gideon - Wife 22

“Why, Mom?”

“You just gave off-a vibe.”

“Examples?”

“Well. You changed your name to Pedro.”

“Right-there are so many gay Pedros. Go on.”

“You hated Eric Haber. Too much.”

“That’s because he liked Briana too. He was my competition. But he and Pippa Klein are going out, so now he’s cool.”

“Um-your hair swirls counterclockwise.”

Peter shakes his head at me. “You are a kook.”

“And because you use words like ‘kook.’ ”

“Because you use words like ‘kook’! I’m straight, Mom.”

“I know, Peter.”

“Wow, I haven’t heard ‘Peter’ in a long time.”

“Sounds good, doesn’t it?”

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten that it’s slang for penis.”

“Of course not. But doesn’t that give it a sort of edge?” I poke him.

“Ow!”

I sigh. “I’m going to miss my gay son who would never leave me for another woman. I know that’s homophobic-thinking you’ll stay unnaturally attached to me because you’re gay. Either way, you’re leaving me eventually.”

“If it makes you feel better, you could still think of me as your gay son in private. Besides, what kind of a straight twelve-year-old would agree to watch When Harry Met Sally with his mother?” asks Peter.

He unmutes the movie and chuckles.

“That’s exactly the vibe I was talking about,” I say.

“What? Precocious? Smart? Funny? Straight people can be those things, too. You’re so heterophobic.”

After the movie (both of us tear up at the ending), Peter goes in search of something to eat and I log on to Facebook. There’s nothing from Researcher 101, which is not really a surprise: I did tell him I was going to be off-line for a few days. There is, however, no shortage of postings on my wall.

Pat Guardia Alice Buckle

Braxton Hicks-FOR NOW.

30 minutes ago

Shonda Perkins Alice Buckle

New samples: Waterproof Defencils. Juicy Tubes.

32 minutes ago

Tita De La Reyes Alice Buckle

Five dozen lumpia looking for a good home.

34 minutes ago

Weight Watchers

Amnesty Day!! Rejoin the program. First two months free!

4 hours ago

Alice Buckle

Has been tagged in a photo by Helen Davies

4 hours ago

Within minutes of logging on, I feel sick, for two reasons. One-the Mumble Bumbles, Pat, Tita, and Shonda, are stalking me through the ethers. If I don’t agree to breakfast at the Egg Shop soon, they’ll ring my doorbell, throw me in the car, and drive me there. And two-because falling down a rabbit hole into the past frequently has this effect on me. Helen’s posted a load of photos from our Peavey Patterson days. The one I can’t stop looking at was taken the night William won his Clio. It’s of him and Helen sitting at the table, heads tipped toward another, as if in deep conversation. And there in the background, sitting at another table, is me, staring at them hungrily like a madwoman. Helen’s posted this embarrassing photo on purpose.

Helen friended me right after she friended William, with only one intention as far as I can see: to let me know that losing William didn’t ruin her life. She married a man named Parminder, and she and her husband started their own ad agency, which, according to her profile on LinkedIn, has offices in Boston, New York, and San Francisco, and had over $10 million in billings last year. She’s on Facebook all the time; she makes me look like a Luddite. She is no longer zaftig-she golfs, does the tango, and spins, and as of today, weighs a svelte 122 pounds. She uploads photos constantly. Here are her three children sitting at the table making homemade valentines. Here is her cutting garden. And here she is with her new haircut. Do you Like ? And although I know her page is curated meticulously, I can’t help falling for her pitch. She has an enviable life. Perhaps she even won, if the markers for winning are a toned body, highlights, and an estate in Brookline.

At least Weight Watchers won’t make me feel envious. I log on and open up my Plan Manager. I scroll back to February 10, the last day I used it.

Weightwatchers.com

Plan Manager for Alice Buckle

PointsPlus Values:29

Daily Used32

Daily Remaining0

Activity Earned0

Favorites (recently added)

Egg Point Value 2

Yoplait yogurt Point Value 3

Gummy Bears (30) Point Value 14

Krispy Kreme glazed donut Point Value 20

Don’t know PointsPlus Value?

Enter Food Marshmallow Fluff

Enter Fiber 0

Enter Fat 5

Enter Carbohydrates 30

Enter Protein 0

Calculating PointsPlus Values NOW! 33

Now I remember why I stopped Weight Watchers. Counting every morsel of food made me feel incredibly hopeful for the first half of the day, then when one tablespoon of Fluff turned into five an hour before dinner, utterly guilty. Hey, whatever happened to my idea for a Guilt Diet? The same template would work beautifully, with just a few little tweaks.

Guiltdiet.com

Plan Manager for Alice Buckle

GuiltPlus Values:29

Daily Used102

Daily Remaining0

Penance Earned0

Favorites (recently added)

Used last piece of toilet paper and did not replace roll Guilt Value 1.5

Said I read Anna Karenina Guilt Value 3

Denied I read The Unauthorized Biography of Katy Perry Guilt Value 7

I am not bilingual. Guilt Value 8

I am American. Guilt Value 10

I do not know the difference between Shias and Sunnis. Guilt Value 11

I secretly believe in the Law of Attraction. Guilt Value 20

I didn’t call back my best friend after she called four times and left scary messages in her divorce lawyer voice saying, “Alice Buckle, call me back immediately, there’s something we have to talk about.” Guilt Value 8

Don’t know Guilt Value?

Enter Guilt Excessive flirting and nearly constant fantasizing about a man who is not my husband

How many people were hurt? None yet.

How many people could be hurt? 3 to 10

Cost to make it up??

Time to make it up???

Unmakeupable? I’m afraid so.

CALCULATE GuiltPlus Value NOW:8942

WARNING:This exceeds (by 44.04 weeks) weekly allotment of GuiltPlus points.

RECOMMENDED ALTERNATIVE:Pee on the seat in a public toilet instead (Guilt Value 5).

I am a very bad person. Helen of Troy is a very put-together person. Even though I stole her boyfriend, she went on to have a fine life. A better life, perhaps, than mine.

I slide off the bed and walk to the top of the stairs.

“William!” I shout. I feel a pressing need to talk to him. I don’t know about what. I just want to hear his voice.

No answer.

“William?”

Jampo comes tearing up the stairs.

“Your name is not William,” I say, and he cocks his head forlornly.

I think about the way William reached out for my hand when we were in the woods, right after Peter saw the deer. I think about Peter’s accident and how that unlikely event-its marshmallow roasting sticks and pus and ER confessions of sexual identity-have bonded us all together. I think about Zoe looking at me with kindness and worrying I might be getting sick and I know what I have to do. The past twenty-four hours have just solidified it. I log on to Lucy’s Facebook page before I lose my nerve and send a message to Researcher 101.