Melanie Gideon - Wife 22

Once I get into my seat, I adjust my rearview mirror and watch Jude walking back to the drugstore. His shoulder blades jut poignantly through his T-shirt. He’s always been bony. He looks like a six-foot-tall boy. Oh, Jude.

“I’m not hungry,” says daughter.

“You’ll be hungry when we get there,” says mother.

“We can’t afford to eat out,” says daughter. “We are a coupon-using family.”

“Yes, let’s just go home and eat crackers,” says mother. “Or bread crumbs.”

Ten minutes later we’re sitting in a booth at the Rockridge Diner.

“Does it bother you? Jude acting like nothing ever happened. Following you around. Can I have a sip of your tea?” I ask.

Zoe hands me her mug. “Don’t blow on it. I hate when you blow on my tea when it’s already cool. You don’t get to have an opinion on me and Jude.”

“Hair gel and tweezers.”

“What?”

“That’s what was in his bag.”

Zoe snorts.

“Grilled ham and cheese and PB and J,” says the waitress, putting down our plates, smiling at Zoe. “Never too old for a good PB and J. You want a glass of milk, too, honey?”

Zoe looks up at the waitress, who looks to be in her mid-sixties. We’ve been coming to the Rockridge Diner forever, and she always waits on us. She’s seen Zoe at every stage of her life: milk-drugged infant, french-fry-smashing toddler, Lego-building preschooler, Harry Potter-reading fifth grader, dour adolescent, and now thrift-shop-attired teenager.

“That would be really nice, Evie,” says Zoe.

“Sure,” says the waitress, touching her on the shoulder.

“You know her name?” I ask, once Evie has disappeared behind the counter.

“She’s been waiting on us for years.”

“Yes, but she’s never told us her name.”

“You never asked her.” Zoe’s eyes suddenly fill with tears.

“You’re crying, Zoe. Why are you crying? Over Jude? That’s ridiculous.”

“Shut up, Mom.”

“That’s one. You get one shut-up a month and that’s it. You’ve used it up. I can’t believe you’re crying over that boy. In fact, I’m furious you’re crying over him. He hurt you,” I say.

“You know what, Mom,” she snaps. “You think you know everything about me. I know you think you do, but you know what? You don’t.”

My phone chimes. Is it a new message from Researcher 101? I try and mask the hopeful look on my face.

Zoe shakes her head. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” I say, reaching into my bag and grabbing the phone. I glance at the screen quickly. It’s a Facebook notification alerting me that I’ve been tagged in a photo. Oh, goodie. I’m probably wearing a djellaba.

“Sorry.” I shut my phone off.

“You’re so jumpy,” says Zoe. “It’s like you’re hiding something.” She stares plaintively at my phone.

“Well, I’m not, but why shouldn’t I be? I’m allowed to have a private life. I’m sure you’ve got secrets, too,” I say, looking plaintively at her sandwich. Two bites, maybe three-that’s what I’m betting she’ll eat.

“Yes, but I’m fifteen. I should have secrets.”

“Of course you’re allowed to have secrets, Zoe. But not everything has to be a secret. You can still confide in me, you know.”

“ You shouldn’t have secrets,” says Zoe. “You’re way too old. That’s disgusting.”

I sigh. I’m not going to get anything out of her.

“Here’s your milk,” says Evie, returning to the table.

“Thanks, Evie,” whispers Zoe, her eyes still moist.

“Is everything okay?” Evie asks.

Zoe shoots a dirty look across the table at me.

“Evie, I owe you an apology. I never asked you your name. I should have. It’s a terribly rude thing that I never did and I’m really, really sorry.”

“Are you saying you’d like a glass of milk, too, sweetheart?” she asks me gently.

I look down into my plate. “Yes, please.”

John Yossarian added Favorite Quotations

Omit needless words.-E. B. White

Just saying hello, Researcher 101.

Hello.

Lunchtime-grilled ham and cheese.

Grilled ham & cheese. Never use “and” when an ampersand will do. 2nd Favorite Quotation: Omit adverbial dialogue tags.- Researcher 101

Sunny here, she said sunnily.

Cloudy here.

I’m a bad mother.

No you aren’t.

I’m a tired mother.

Understandable.

I’m a tired wife.

And I’m a tired husband.

You are?

Sometimes, he said, disinhibitingly.

“Omit invented words.” - Wife 22

47.Ages: 19-27: Three plus days a week (the plus being active sex life, actually a bit of a slut). Ages 28-35: Two minus days a week (the minus being pregnancy, infants, no sleep=no libido). Ages 36-40: Seven plus days a week (the plus being desperate, the big 4-0 looming, making an effort to have active sex life so don’t feel like sex life is over). Ages: 41-44: One minus days a month (the minus being when asked by doctor say five days a week, even doctor not fooled, she says five days a week doing what? Chair dancing?).

48.This is an utterly annoying question-pass!!!

49.Shah Jahan and Mumtaz Mahal, Abigail and John Adams, Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward.

50.Ben Harper. Ed Harris (I have a thing for bald men with beautifully shaped heads). Christopher Plummer.

51.Marion Cotillard (but not in Edith Piaf movie where she shaved her hairline). Halle Berry. Cate Blanchett ( especially in Queen Elizabeth movie). Helen Mirren.

52.Frequently.

53.I put my key in the lock and opened the door. William was working. He held up his hand. “Don’t move,” he said. He picked up his pad of paper and began to read out loud.

P EAVEY P ATTERSON B RAINSTORMING S ESSION

C LIENT : A LICE A

C REATIVE : W ILLIAM B

T OPIC : T HINGS A LICE S HOULD N EVER W ORRY A BOUT

1.If her hair is too long (only too long if down to ankles and impedes ability to walk)

2.If she forgot to put on lipstick (doesn’t need lipstick-lips a perfectly lovely shade of raspberry)

3.If you can see through her dress (Yes)

4.If she should have worn a slip to work today (No)

“You ass! I’ve been walking around all day with my underwear showing? Why didn’t anybody tell me?”

“I just told you.”

“You should have told me earlier. I’m so embarrassed.”

“Don’t be. It was the highlight of my day. Come here,” William said.

“No,” I said, pouting.

He dramatically swept the table clean of all his papers. Who did he think he was? Mickey Rourke in 9 ½ Weeks ? God, I loved that movie. After I saw it I bought a garter belt and stockings. I wore them for a few days, feeling very sexy, until I experienced a garter malfunction. Have you ever had a stocking suddenly pool around your ankle while you’re in the process of boarding a bus? There is no quicker path to feeling like an old lady.