Chris Cleave - Incendiary

The autumn dragged on Osama with filthy grey skies and rain every day. I moved back to the Wellington Estate for good once Jasper and Petra starting fighting about the newspaper story I couldn’t handle them banging away at each other it made me nervous. I went back to work on account of I needed the money but sometimes when Terence Butcher wasn’t looking I spat in his tea.

Out in the streets they started to take down some of the roadblocks and if you weren’t concentrating you might of thought things were slowly getting back to normal again. People didn’t talk much about May Day any more. It was like the rain was washing the memories down the drains along with the old ciggie butts and the run-over conkers.

—Oh come on, said Terence Butcher. Don’t look at me like that. It’s been weeks. Aren’t you ever going to forgive me?

—Depends. Are you ever going to bring my husband and my boy back?

I put his tea down on his desk and not too careful either. Some of it slopped out on his files I didn’t care. I was thinking Ha you should of thought of that Terence Butcher shouldn’t you when you left my chaps to burn.

—I did what I thought was best, said Terence. I thought you’d understand.

—Yeah well you thought wrong didn’t you. You should of told me straight away. I wouldn’t of come near you I’d never of let you touch me you should be ashamed.

—I’m not ashamed, he said. It was beautiful.

He spun round in his chair and looked up at me. I was still standing there in front of his desk my whole body was trembling. He smiled a little sad smile.

—Listen to me, he said. Tired old copper going on about beauty. What would I know about it eh?

I didn’t say anything Osama I mean what would you or me know about it either?

—But it was beautiful, said Terence. When we were up in the clouds alone. Me and you and none of the reasons why not. No job. No Tessa. No May Day. No London. It was beautiful.

—It was a bloody lie.

—Yes, said Terence. That’s when I saw I had to tell you. I couldn’t have that secret between us. Not if we were going to have something together.

—Oh Terence we were never going to have something together. Not after what you did to my chaps. You should of known that. You should of never got us started I mean what the hell were you THINKING?

—I’m sorry, he said. I know. I know. I hadn’t been sleeping. I wasn’t rational. I thought if we loved each other that would be enough.

—Love. You said love.

—Yes. I’m sorry. But that’s how I feel.

I looked right at him. His eyes were exactly the same grey as the clouds behind him it looked like someone had put 2 gloomy holes right through his head.

—Listen Terence Butcher I make your tea and I do your filing and that’s all it is now right? Don’t you ever get that confused with love.

He looked at me for a very long time and then he looked down at his desk. It was an empty desk apart from his 3 phones. The photo of his wife and kids was gone I suppose he might of had it by his bed in the Travelodge.

It was a long afternoon after that and when 5 o’clock came I just put on my anorak and walked home head down in the gloom. In England on a cloudy day in autumn it gets dark by 4 in the afternoon. A few weeks of that Osama and believe me you start to feel like topping yourself. A lot of poor bastards do. I swear to god Osama the English climate’s done in more people than you ever have. If you tried living here for just 10 days in October your Kalashnikov would rust and your sandals would rot and your GP would stick you on Prozac and you couldn’t hate us any more you’d just feel ever so sorry for us instead.

When I got back home to the Wellington Estate there was a power cut again so I took a couple of candles into the bathroom and ran myself a bath and lay in it and talked with my boy till the water went cold and it was time to go to bed. My boy sat on the edge of the bath. He liked the tap end best. He dangled his feet in the water and we had the nicest conversation me and him.

I got out of the bath and took my pink dressing gown off the hook next to my husband’s black one. I still hadn’t slung it out yet I mean it’s never the right moment is it? I put on my dressing gown and wrapped a towel round my hair and my boy followed me into the kitchen making little wet boy footprints on the lino. We nattered away in the kitchen for a bit while I had a couple of glasses of vodka and a couple of some new pills the doctor put me on it was all very nice. After a while my boy went a bit quiet. I looked up from my glass and his face was very pale and I was about to say Right then bedtime for you young man but someone started banging on the front door. I turned round to check the bolt was on and when I turned back my boy was gone so I thought I might as well answer it.

I took one of the candles with me into the hallway and I didn’t put the chain on before I opened the front door I mean I didn’t much care what happened any more. It was Jasper Black standing there he came straight in he was all overexcited.

—Can you come over? he said. Petra’s pregnant.

I just looked at him he wasn’t making sense.

—Pregnant you say?

—Yes, he said. Can you come immediately?

—Um well Jasper I don’t know if Mummy ever explained girls’ things to you but when a woman is pregnant there isn’t any hurry I mean just the opposite really you have to wait about 9 months while the baby gets bigger in Mummy’s tummy first.

—Petra’s frantic, said Jasper. I think you might be able to calm her down.

—Listen Jasper it wouldn’t surprise me if Petra was born frantic and I hate to be the one to tell you this but if she’s pregnant then it’s only going to make her worse so you might as well get used to it eh? I mean why don’t you go and calm her down yourself?

—She’s asking for you, he said.

—Yeah well she can’t have me can she? It’s a bit late for all that. I mean I haven’t heard a squeak out of either of you for weeks and I can’t say I’ve missed you.

Jasper blinked.

—Christ, he said. This isn’t like you. Bitter.

—Yeah well what did you expect? I wasn’t put on this earth for your benefit Jasper Black I’m not some CD you can forget about down the back of a drawer and pull it out when it suits you and it still sounds just the same.

I turned and walked away from him to the kitchen. I didn’t actually make it through the kitchen door on the first go. I banged into the door frame and I had to back up and have another go like something off Robot Wars on the telly.

—Have you been drinking? said Jasper.

—Nah. They moved the door. You been doing coke?

—No, said Jasper Black. Haven’t touched it since we found out Petra was pregnant. 3 days.

I sat down at the kitchen table and Jasper came in and sat down opposite. It was hard to say in the candlelight but he looked thinner and his hands were shaking a bit.

—Drink? I said.

—Yes alright.

I poured him a big vodka it was the end of the bottle. He drank it down like it was nothing. The lights flickered on for half a minute and then they went off again and it was just the candles glowing in the middle of the kitchen table and every now and then a white flash through the window from the helicopter searchlights. I never even heard the choppers any more I was used to them now. We sat there looking at each other.

—You the father you reckon?

—Yes, said Jasper. Yes I think so.

—Good for you.

—Thanks.

More silence.

—She sick in the mornings is she?

—Yes, said Jasper. In the mornings she’s sick and moody. In the evenings she’s tired and moody. In between times she’s moody and off at work. Thank god.