Chris Cleave - Incendiary

Up in the office it was a long grey morning and one of the striplights was flashing and buzzing like an electric chair. I was getting a headache but you can put up with a lot when you’re wearing new red knickers. Terence kept giving me these looks I don’t think either of us could wait for 1 o’clock.

At lunchtime Terence said not to meet him at our usual hotel he said he wanted to go for a walk instead. I said alright but it wasn’t much of a walk at first on account of it was still drizzling and I had to follow 10 yards behind him in case anyone saw us together out of work. I nearly lost sight of him crossing Westminster Bridge there were so many people. Everyone was using the bridge because the tube was still out after the bomb scare. It always takes London Underground hours to get all the trains back to their proper sidings and all the buskers back in their right places at the bottom of the escalators singing ENGLAND’S HEART IS BLEEDING with their scratched-up old guitars. It’s like an anthill the tube I mean you can stamp on it and watch the ants charge around going mental for a bit like my boy after 3 glasses of Tizer but after a while the ants will calm down and start to fix the anthill up again and dig all the muck out of the tunnels and make everything good as new or almost. Only don’t expect them to do it in 5 mins that’s all.

Anyway at the other end of Westminster Bridge Terence slowed down and went off left down the steps onto the South Bank. I went down 10 yards behind him good as gold. At the bottom of the steps he stopped and turned I suppose he reckoned we’d gone far enough not to be spotted. I came and stood next to him. I leaned forward over the wall so I could look down at the Thames. It was low tide and the sides of the river were mud. Dirty gulls were paddling round the shopping trolleys and the old tampons sticking out of the slime.

—Our glamorous capital, said Terence. Not a pretty sight is it?

—Nah. Well. Best keep my eyes on you then.

I looked up at him and he smiled. You could see the London Eye behind him turning round very slow with its big glass bubbles rising up till they disappeared into the cloud about 3-quarters of the way to the top of the wheel and then popping back down out of the cloud when they were 3-quarters of the way down again. There were streaks of brown rust running down the white tubes of the Eye it looked like it could of done with a good lick of paint. I suppose there wasn’t the money now there weren’t so many tourists any more. The London Eye was empty as the river.

Terence followed where my eyes were looking.

—Have you ever been on it? he said.

—Nah.

—Let’s go for a ride.

—Nah you’re alright. I mean if I want vertigo I’ll just go up on the top deck of the bus it’s a lot cheaper.

—Oh come on, said Terence. Where’s your sense of adventure?

—In ashes in a small cardboard box Terence they had to identify my sense of adventure from his dental records.

Terence sighed and shook his head.

—Then let’s just go on it to get out of this pissing rain, he said. Please. I want to talk to you.

I said alright and Terence grabbed hold of my hand and we walked off past the Aquarium and the Dal Museum and we bought tickets there wasn’t a queue. We walked straight onto the Eye and we got a bubble all to ourselves. A guide tried to come into our bubble with us but Terence showed him an official pass and he cleared off.

—There, said Terence. Emergency police powers. They don’t hand them out to just anyone you know. A year of basic training. 3 years on the beat. 20 years rising up through the ranks. I knew it would all come in handy one day.

Our bubble started to rise up into the air. It was amazing it gave me goose bumps. I wish my boy could of been there. He’d of said IS THIS THE BIGGEST WHEEL IN THE UNIVERSE? and I’d of said No darling it’s not quite as big as the steering wheel on god’s Astra and he’d of said HOW COME IT TURNS ROUND? and I’d of said It turns round because Harry Potter put a spell on it. My boy’s eyes would of gone all wide then and he’d of been quiet for at least 8 seconds.

Me and Terence were quiet too at first. We held hands and there was just the sound of the drizzle tapping against the glass and the electric humming noise of the magic spell making the thing turn round. The people down on Westminster Bridge started to shrink.

—Tessa asked me to move out, said Terence. I’m staying in a Travelodge.

—I’m sorry.

—Don’t be, he said. Travelodges aren’t that bad.

—You know what I meant.

—Yes, he said.

He sighed and a little patch of mist appeared on the glass in front of his mouth and wiped out a good chunk of the Embankment.

—Is it permanent?

—Don’t know yet, he said. We’ll see.

—Is it me?

Terence shook his head.

—She doesn’t know about you, he said. It’s the job she can’t stand. She says I’m married to it.

—Well she does have a point you know.

—Yes, said Terence. But that’s just me isn’t it? Me without the job would be like England without the penalty curse. You can’t have one without the other.

I squeezed Terence’s hand and he squeezed mine back and I just tried to think about that and nothing else.

The wheel carried on turning. After a while you could see over the tops of the buildings on both sides of the river and look out over North London all white stone and money and South London all dirty brown high-rise bricks. From up where we were you could see how many cables there were rising up from the north side of the river compared to the south. It was like the people who built the Shield of Hope weren’t really all that hopeful about Brixton and Camberwell and Lewisham.

I held on tight and looked out east. I was trying to see those places I always lived in. I looked for my old school and the Nelson’s Head and the Wellington Estate and all those streets I kissed my husband and walked my boy and let the both of them down. I looked very hard through the drizzle I was hoping my life might make a bit more sense from a great height. I squinted and stared but after a bit I had to give up because the truth was you couldn’t see the East End behind all the famous landmarks.

Our bubble was rising up towards the clouds now and you could see the bubbles above us disappearing into it. Terence was just staring out over London with his sad eyes full of the endless city. He shook his head.

—There’s just so much of it, he said. There’s so many people. You can’t put a fence around all of them.

—Yeah well it looks like you’re giving it a good go.

—Yes, said Terence. We’ve pulled up the drawbridge. But the bastards are already inside. That’s the thing. I could tell you a hundred ways they could butcher us like cattle. They could topple those office blocks like dominoes. They could make that river run red.

We looked down at the Thames all brown and muddy starting to disappear underneath us in the first edges of the clouds.

—So do your best. That’s all you can do isn’t it.

—I’m just so stupidly bloody tired, said Terence. It’s like the powers that be are poking sticks into the wasps’ nests and my job is to run around and stop the wasps stinging us. It’s never going to happen. We’ve simply got to stop doing just a few of the things that make these people want to murder us.

Then everything went grey. London disappeared underneath us like the whole place had been a bad dream. Our bubble had risen up into the clouds.

—Terence?

—Yes?

—Can’t we just forget about it for a while?

Terence turned towards me he looked so sick and miserable I just wanted to hold him so I did. He held me very gentle with his hands round my shoulders and then his hands started to slide down my sides and I reached up to kiss him and suddenly there were tears on my face and they weren’t my tears they were his. I kissed him and kissed him and I reached down to unbuckle his belt and he pushed my skirt up and it was very quiet and lonely up there in our bubble in the clouds and the light was very sad and grey and it came from everywhere and there weren’t any shadows. There was a long wooden bench in our bubble and I lay down on it and I was trembling and when he was inside me I sighed and closed my eyes and breathed in his smell.