Chris Cleave - Incendiary

Jasper Black opened his eyes wide.

—Oh Jesus, he said what a prick I’m being.

—Yeah. But I suppose you’re trying.

—It’s just so difficult, he said. To know what to say I mean.

—That’s alright. I’m glad you came really.

—I’ve brought something for you, he said.

—I can see. Nice flowers. I’ll ask the nurse to put them in water if you can keep your peepers off her knockers for a second.

—It’s not just the flowers, said Jasper Black. There’s something else too. I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing. I don’t want to upset you.

—What is it?

—I have a lot of contacts, he said. It’s my job really. I know people in the security services. After the explosion a large number of personal effects were recovered and not claimed. Jewellery and broken watches and so forth. I got them to let me look through it all. I was looking for something in particular. I heard you talking about it and I thought I would try to find it for you because I thought it might. Well. You know. Help. Anyway I finally found it and I have it here. If you don’t want it then I am most terribly sorry and I’ll take it away again.

—What is it?

Although of course I’d already guessed by now. Jasper Black took Mr. Rabbit out of the carrier bag and gave him to me. It’s funny but you never see the big things first do you? You see the small things. The things you know just how to fix. I took Mr. Rabbit out of Jasper Black’s hand and I thought oh hello Mr. Rabbit well you have been in the wars haven’t you? Look you’ve lost your paw. I know just what we’ll do about that. We’ll take a needle and thread and we’ll sew that paw back up for you and you’ll be right as rain just with that arm a little shorter eh. And after that we’ll give you a spin in the washing machine. I know you don’t like the washing machine do you Mr. Rabbit but I’m afraid there’s nothing else for it. We’ll pop you in on a boil wash and that should get most of these nasty black stains off you. There’s a brave bunny.

Jasper Black was staring at me.

—Are you alright? he said.

I looked up at him. I realised I’d been grinning at Mr. Rabbit. I took a deep breath I could feel the emptiness inside me growing again.

—I don’t understand. How come he isn’t burned?

—It isn’t nice to say, said Jasper Black. But a lot of things survived because they were trapped under bodies.

—Oh. Do you think these black stains are my boy’s blood then?

—It’s impossible to say, he said. I think you should try not to think about such things.

I hugged poor broken Mr. Rabbit. I was crying again.

—How can I not think about it? Please tell me how I can stop thinking about it because that’s all I can think of. I can’t think about anything else not for one second it’s horrible horrible horrible. And I’m so scared all the time. I look at people and I see them blown to bits. Every teaspoon that drops sounds like bombs. I’m too scared to carry on even one more day. How can anyone carry on living in a world like this?

Jasper Black sighed.

—People keep themselves busy don’t they? he said.

He turned to look out over London.

—Look at all that, he said. Under each lightbulb is somebody keeping themselves busy. Exfoliating and applying the anti-wrinkle cream. Writing long sales reports people will only ever read the last page of. Agonising whether their cock is shrinking or the condoms are getting bigger. What you see down there is the real front line in the war against terror. That’s how people go on. Staying just busy enough so they can’t feel nervous. And do you know what they’re mostly busy doing? DIY. For a whole week after May Day the airports stayed closed and the DIY stores stayed open. It’s pathetic. People are laying their fears to rest under patio slabs. They’re grouting against terror.

I looked away from the city and back at Jasper Black.

—You don’t think much of people do you?

He shrugged.

—I’m a journalist, he said.

—Well I’m a person. Pleased to meet you. My flat smells of chips. I do very ordinary things like go down the shops and get my family blown to bits. I don’t think you’d know the first thing about it. I really don’t know what you want with me Jasper Black. I suppose you get a thrill out of slumming it do you? Do you want us to have sex again is that it? Maybe you haven’t noticed I’m half dead with tubes sticking out of me. Or maybe you really do just want to help. Well if so then you can start by showing some respect for ordinary people because I am one.

—I don’t think you’re being quite fair, said Jasper Black.

—Oh really. Look me in the eye and tell me you just came here to help. I don’t think you know the meaning of it. I don’t think you have an unselfish bone in your body. I WISH YOU’D BEEN AT THAT GAME I WISH YOU’D GOT BLOWN UP INSTEAD OF MY HUSBAND AND MY BOY.

Jasper Black stood up and stared at me. He stood there very tall and pale with the lights of London glittering below and the sky all red from the sunset.

—Fine then, he said. Fine.

He turned and walked away down the ward. I couldn’t bear it. The emptiness went mad inside me. I could feel its teeth biting at my stomach and its hands scratching against the inside of my skin. I shouted at him.

—Stop. Oh please don’t go. Don’t leave me here alone. I’m so sorry Jasper. Don’t leave me here I have nobody. Nothing. NOBODY.

Jasper Black stopped but he didn’t turn. He just stood there very still. I stopped shouting and I watched his back and I wondered what he was going to do. All the ladies on the ward and their visitors were gawping at us. You could see their sick eyes going between me and him. Their heads swung back and forth like in the crowd shots you get of Wimbledon. And it was your kind of Wimbledon Osama. The crowd was mostly dying and there weren’t any strawberries.

Jasper Black took one slow step forward and then another one and there were tears streaming in my eyes by then so I didn’t see him walk out of the ward I just heard his footsteps on the lino slow at first and then getting quicker and then I heard the big safety-glass door of the ward open and swing shut behind him. After that it was very quiet for a bit and then a horrible sound began it was the sound of the ladies on the ward ooohing to each other at the scandal of it all in their sick little whispers. I put my hands on my ears to block the vicious cows out but I could still hear them so I started screaming to shut them all up and that’s when a doctor came and gave me a shot of something. After that I just lay very still and looked at the red glow on the inside of my eyelids.

Jasper came again the next night. I didn’t think he would. I smiled so wide I thought my face would snap in half. He brought fancy chocolates and we sat there for a while not saying anything just eating those chocolates and looking out at the view.

—I’m sorry Jasper. I shouldn’t of made a scene.

—Forget it, he said. I was condescending.

—I felt bad because I cheated on my husband. I still do.

He made a face.

—Oh please. You loved your husband and your boy. That was never in question and what you did with me had nothing to do with it. You were scared. You just needed a little human contact. We all get scared.

—Not you Jasper.

—Especially me Jasper, he said.

—What of? What does someone like you have to be afraid of?

—Same thing as anyone, he said. Being alone.

—What about your girlfriend?

—Petra? said Jasper Black. Let me tell you a story about Petra. After you and I got separated I looked for you but then I gave up and I drove in to the paper. The front end of the car was a mess but it still went. All the way to work I was thinking why doesn’t Petra ring? As far as Petra knew I was at that match. So I was wondering why she didn’t call my phone to see if I was okay. I called her but all I got was the busy signal. I thought maybe the network was saturated. So. I arrived at the paper and the place was absolutely chaotic. I mean the last thing a Sunday newspaper wants is actual news to happen. Right? On any day of the week really but on Saturday afternoon especially. And when the news is that big. Well. The place was going nuts. They decided to spike the whole paper and go to press with just 4 pages. Anyone who’d made it in to the office was set to work. I was one of the last to arrive. There were roadblocks everywhere by this time. The tube was out. People couldn’t get around. So we had junior court reporters knocking up profiles of the possible terror suspects. The football editor was doing 15 hundred words on I SAW HELL. They had bloody 16-year-old interns for Christ’s sake pulling together REACTION FROM AROUND THE WORLD. There were 3 hours till deadline. The chief sub had a heart attack. He actually fell down dead on his keyboard. It was insane. You should have seen it.