Chris Cleave - Incendiary

—Oh god not you. Go away for Christ’s sake go away I can’t even look at you.

He stopped. He looked surprised. He was holding yellow flowers and a carrier bag.

—I’m sorry, he said. I’ll just go then.

I turned away and looked out the window. London was still there like a horrible memory and when I turned back so was Jasper Black. He was watching me. I prickled inside I was sure he could see everything. Like I was the patient in that game Operation. The plastic person with the see-through skin and the giblets you can take out one by one. The plastic lungs then the plastic liver then the plastic heart. I was sure he could see right into the middle of me. I watched Jasper Black looking right inside me to that place where my emptiness was.

—Are you still there? I thought you said you were leaving.

—I still will if you really want me to.

—Well I do.

—Alright, he said.

But he didn’t leave. He just stood there holding his hands together in front of him the posh twat.

—Why did you come?

He didn’t say anything. He walked up to my bed and sat down. There was a brown plastic chair between my bed and the window and he sat on it. He put his flowers down on the floor with his carrier bag and looked out the window. London was huge and flat and brown in the evening light. He sat there very still for a minute or 2. I was watching the back of his neck and remembering how I held him there that first time in his flat. At first it was very nice. I could even feel my hands tingling. Then I started to see what his neck would look like with his head blown off it and the blood dripping like motor oil on the green lino floor. My hands went cold.

—Why did you come here Jasper Black?

He was still looking out the window.

—London’s changed beyond all recognition, he said. And I’ve changed too.

He turned to look at me. He was older than I remembered.

—I so nearly went to that game, he said. I was all set to go. I had my hand on the door handle of my car when I saw you. I’ve still got the ticket in my wallet. I can’t stop thinking about it. If I had gone to the match instead of. Well. You know. Then things would have turned out. Well. You know. I came to see if I could help you.

—Really? Well you weren’t much help looking for my husband and my boy.

—You disappeared into the smoke. I searched and searched for you but you were nowhere.

—Really.

—Listen, he said. I understand it must be very painful for you to see me. It isn’t my idea of a perfect night out either if you want to know the truth. I didn’t want to come.

—So why did you?

Jasper Black looked out of the window and then back at me.

—I couldn’t get you out of my head, he said. I kept seeing this picture of you with nobody to cook fish fingers for. It’s a stupid picture but you’re standing in front of the grill and suddenly you burst into tears.

—You’re right it’s a stupid picture.

—Yes, said Jasper Black. But I wanted to come and see if you were alright. It’s interesting. Before May Day I shouldn’t think I’d have given a shit.

He leaned closer to the bed and touched my shoulder. I smelled him then. Oh god that clean soapy smell of him. I closed my eyes and watched the East Stand explode into smoke and flesh. I screamed. The other ladies on the ward muttered and tutted. Jasper Black took me in his arms. I didn’t want him to do that. I struggled but he held me while I screamed quieter and quieter until I was only sobbing. After a long time he whispered into my ear.

—Yesterday I couldn’t stand it any more, he said. I was thinking what if she doesn’t have anyone looking after her? What if she’s all alone in that hospital with no visitors?

—What do you mean no visitors? I’m an East End girl I’ve got my gran and my mum and 14 aunts and 10 sisters and all the girls from the hairdresser’s all rallying round to help. All saying Cor blimey apples and pears you’ll get over it love now how about a nice cup of Rosie. I’ve got all the support I can handle.

—But you don’t, said Jasper Black. Do you?

I sighed and looked at my feet making a lump at the far end of the bed under the bright green hospital blanket.

—Nah. I’ve got no one.

—Well you’ve got me, he said.

I pushed him away from me.

—You’re worse than nothing Jasper Black. When you touch me all I can see is that bloody explosion. I don’t know what I was thinking with you. I wish I’d never met you. I loved my husband and my boy but I waved them good-bye and I took you home and had sex with you on the bloody sofa didn’t I. And then my life blew up. I didn’t deserve my husband and my boy. I’m a slut. I’m a madwoman. You know what the hospital told me? They said there’s nothing left of my chaps except their teeth. I could bury the pair of them in a flower pot. And here you are to remind me.

—Alright, said Jasper Black. Alright.

He held his hands up like he was surrendering. He pushed his chair back from the bed a little way. We watched each other for a long time not saying anything. The new Australian nurse came and changed the bag on my drip. Jasper Black watched her bum when she walked off.

—Pay attention 007, I said.

Jasper Black snapped his eyes back to look at me and then he laughed and shook his head.

—I don’t get it, he said. You’re funny. You’re pretty. How is it possible that no one visits?

—Don’t get me started about my family.

—What about friends? he said.

—I said don’t get me started.

He shrugged and shut up for a bit. It’s an incredible sight from the top of Guy’s it’s a shame you have to be half dead to get a good view in London. We both just looked out of the window down at the streetlights starting to come on.

—He never found out. My husband I mean.

—How do you know? said Jasper Black.

—He would of said something.

—Maybe he wouldn’t have.

—Wouldn’t you of?

—Well yes I probably would, said Jasper Black. But then maybe the life I have with Petra isn’t worth saving. Maybe your husband knew but he kept his mouth shut because he didn’t want to spoil the life you had.

—I wouldn’t know would I?

—I think it was worth saving, said Jasper Black. That’s the impression I get. The life you and your husband had was actually worth something.

I pushed myself up in the bed.

—What do you want?

He leaned closer to me again.

—What is it like? he said. To be a parent I mean.

I sighed.

—Once my boy drew me a picture of a dream he’d had. I couldn’t see what the picture was of. I mean you never can tell with kids’ pictures can you?

—I don’t know, said Jasper Black. I’ve never been around kids.

—Well let me tell you then. If they do an orange squiggle it might be the Death Star blowing up or it might be a carrot. And god help you if you get it wrong. So you ask first don’t you. I asked my boy what’s that? And my boy said it’s Tigger Mummy he’s giving you a hug because you’re so nice. He was such a lovely sweet boy. Of course he could be a right little horror too. I don’t know how many nights I stayed up with him poorly. Or how many times I had to wash his crayon marks off the walls. If it wasn’t one thing it was another from 6 a.m. till we finally got him off to sleep. I used to wish I had just a moment of time to myself. And now that I do have time to myself it’s the last thing I want. It’s silly really.

—No it isn’t, said Jasper Black. I know just what you mean. I live with deadlines on the newspaper. I loathe them but I don’t think I could operate without them any more. All structure would be lost.

—Oh really. Then you’d best hope nobody blows up your precious newspaper.