Péter Nádas - Parallel Stories

He did not say that yes, I am a prematurely embittered, rather sad person and the reason I chose to study these sciences is to steel myself against constant suffering, to give my mind some means to battle my gaping doubts, and perhaps these studies will help me find out what makes me suffer.

Listen, people, he would have shouted, all day long I pretend that everything is all right, but that makes me suffer even more. Help me, somebody, anybody, come, knock on my door, break down my door, anytime. No, he did the exact opposite. He allowed his feelings to come close in his mind only so that his mind would keep lifting the burden of his soul. In this way everything went on its predetermined course in a normal fashion. He told himself that a person was condemned to be solitary from the outset, every person was lonely, and people deceived themselves most when, given their reproductive urge, they looked for an excuse to establish a lasting companionship and then claimed that in the other person they’d found their famed happiness. Let them look to themselves. That would turn into their greatest grief. They know this in advance, still they go ahead. He is the more fortunate for having no inclination toward such self-deception. He can see that others do nothing all day but hate, miss, desire, adore, and possess one another, while he desires no one, misses no one, gets along fine by himself, and therefore has no one to torture or hate. A profitable situation: he can afford to observe dispassionately what those unfortunate ones, defenseless against themselves and everybody else, are doing to one another.

He really did not feel sorry for them.

Döhring’s manners were cool and negative enough to keep people from seeking his company; of his exterior, one could say it had nothing irregular about it, but it was more impassive than exciting or interesting. He had contempt for everyone, including those dead authors whose books he was fond of reading. The lives of these writers were full of all sorts of disgusting and chaotic matters that left their traces on the immortal works. This was an area he would not enter, even though he had no partner to discuss the issues about which he thought often and passionately, because no one had ever asked him his opinion on this or that subject, let alone shown need for his tenderness.

He kept looking out the window until the train pulled away from the city.

As if trying to restrain himself or hoping that these wet gardens, sooty walls, cheerless railway yards, and dreary backyards would detain at least his gaze, would not let go of it. How characteristic of him that all this time he kept open on his lap the book he was about to read. As if sending out involuntary signals saying, please, I’m a busy man, do not bother me needlessly.

He could not turn his head away, he could not let go of the city.

He was afraid that in his absence, while away from the city, they would accuse him of something. He was thinking not about what he had done or failed to do, what his imagination was doing or what was happening to him, but about the possibility that while talking to that detective he might have put some things the wrong way. Not only had he left himself exposed, but with his chattiness he might have unleashed a mass of immeasurable and unpleasant consequences. Yesterday’s nervous fever left no external trace, perhaps a slight cold; he was sniffling a bit. An observer would see a stern, calm, tall young man who was daydreaming, but yesterday’s fever had spread throughout his cells, flooding and infecting an important center of his brain. It had devastated the uniquely constructed, delicately built inner world in which until now he had lived in complete isolation; it had enlarged and inflated certain objects of his memory and imagination, leaving barely any space for the incoming outer world. When he got on the train and opened the door of his compartment, he automatically greeted those sitting inside; when a few hours later he rose, he said good-bye in the same automatic way.

One of his travel companions, a young woman, was fascinated by Döhring’s motionlessness, but he did not even notice her.

He got off in Düsseldorf, where he had to wait for his twin kid sister, coming from Frankfurt, and he had four full hours until then.

Usually, when she finally arrived, the entire station and all its trains would be echoing with the repulsive throng of harried, rushing and pushing people.

They traveled home rarely, but these journeys had their own rhythm, which until now he had never thought of violating. The hours in Düsseldorf were as if the family, the neighborhood, everything familiar was gradually accepting him back. Even though he did not want to be reaccepted anywhere. He feared his twin kid sister — if only she were not a girl — who was much too close to him; he did not want his family. He would have liked to break out, but he could not have said to where. Out of this familial net that forever held him down and pulled him back, out of the circle of women. Under the lenses of the security cameras, people, including him and his sister, were moving among the lockers in the left-luggage section; how laughable they seemed. Everyone was looking for the most secure locker, from which no one could steal anything. Döhring demonstratively threw his things into the first available empty locker. Shards of a broken beer bottle crunched under his feet; in a corner a homeless man was exuding his stink, probably the one who had dropped the beer bottle, and now was snoring drunkenly.

And then, taking the usual route, he headed for his aunt’s apartment; she usually had a sumptuous breakfast awaiting him.

These were their hours together, for which they both mutely prepared.

It was a ten-minute walk, but when he reached her street he did not turn into it.

An act with which he broke the continuity of a long-standing game harkening back to the dimness of unconscious childhood. The essence of the game was to assume that the beautiful aunt was his favorite aunt and, in defiance of their rather primitive and petit bourgeois family, the two of them would ostentatiously adore each other. As if in his effort to preserve his independence, it was his duty to adore not his kid sister but his aunt. The aunt was indeed a spectacular phenomenon: entertaining, cheerful, well off, in her fifties, who had worked for decades in the fashion industry, representing a reputable Italian international firm, and who had lived an almost ascetic, relatively liberated life. She traveled widely all over the continent, where at remote locations she kept many people with unusual skills busy: pearl stringers, linen weavers, lace makers, braid makers, and braid trimmers. The aunt’s need was probably greater for a favorite nephew of whom she could expect a great deal but whose existence did not demand the kind of responsibility she would have had to accept for a child of her own; and since at the time she would not dream of giving birth to a child, she lured her little nephew into this endless game. In fact, she separated him from his twin. She offered him the spiritual and financial aid that would help him leave the family nest, free him of tribal restrictions and take him into the big wide world.

At any rate, they played the dangerous game of such a move being possible.

The aunt lived near the Hofgarten in a very expensive apartment, and from the three windows of her dining room one could see the giant trees of the ancient park. It was not very cold that day in Düsseldorf, but the sky was dark and the wind screamed among the bare trees. Döhring took himself into this familiar park. He forgot about his twin sister, of whom, because of his own rebellion against the family, he always thought reluctantly; he forgot his aunt, the sumptuous breakfast, his deadlines and commitments; or more precisely, all of these were pushed to the edge of his consciousness where he could barely reach them.