Jáchym Topol - City, Sister, Silver

Nobody cracked too many jokes around the supper table that night, Daník’s seat was empty … I snuck a peek or two at the old woman, but she just kept refillin my bowl, actin like she always did … everyone kept quiet, but Benjamín was probly right, if they’d gone after the Cermaks, who knows how many more empty chairs there’d be … the Devil, that’s who.

David breathed without a sound, eyes open again … I lay down next to him so we were touching … for the last time I tried, David, pal … you want it … you really want it … if you do, then close your eyes, just gimme a sign, please … but then the candle went out, I couldn’t see beans, licking my thumb I extinguished the wick and said to myself, aright then … leaning over him, I grabbed a pillow and laid it across his face … had to smother him with my whole body … holdin his legs so he couldn’t kick … but it was like he was sucking death in … a minute later it was all over … I laid on my back, waiting for the wings, persuaded that now that I’d done it, She-Dog would take me away … but nothing happened … I just waited.

David was gettin stiff, I reached over to shut his eyes, but then left it … for his bros an dad … shudderin in horror at my deed, I climbed off the stove, she left me here! only she knows why … an then someone knocked on the door.

I had the window open when the old woman walked in. My Davidko, she said softly … I didn’t budge … she had a candle … went to him, then turned to me and said: Let’s go. The words fractured and broken, her voice quivered like the candle flame … I went ahead of her … yeah, it occurred to me to deck her an run for it … but in front of me were two rooms full of heavily breathing sleepers … at any moment I expected the scream that would wake them up, an then what would they do to me … She-Dog, I whispered, I guess I’ll hafta suffer a lot, give a lot for the pain I caused you, but afterwards will I be with you? … I banged into beds, tripped over feet, but the old woman … kept quiet … and the sleepers lay as if under a spell … breathing open-mouthed, in and out, they didn’t even stir … the last one by the door was Benjamín, snoring away too, crutch beneath his bed … here’s Benik, arn’t yew gunna tell im gbye? … she was taking me away! … clumsily I searched myself, flailin my sleeves around, but I managed to get that T-shirt off, the SUPER DISCO one, left it on his pillow … and then we went … the old woman led the way, walkin up the trails … I’d never been up that far with the sheep … she walked both ahead of me and beside me, hard to say … I’d killed this lady’s son … at the top a breeze blew as we walked through the boulders, her thin strong fingers caught me by the elbow, I thought for support, but it was so I wouldn’t stumble … draggin me along … and then we were on a plain, I guess up at the top, and in the distance stood a boulder … I shuddered … a barrow, a burial mound … that’s where she’s takin me, to the stone … lady, no.

Don’t worry, silly … I peeked at her incredulously, under her scarf her eyes flashed, the corners of her mouth drawing up in a tiny smile … an old lady, but that voice … are you She-Dog? You’re She-Dog … I am who I am, an c’mon … you talk too much, always do … you’re goin back to her. Treat her with love.

She led me to the barrow, there was a little fire burning, I shuddered to think I was goin to see the Proud One in his suit of armor … but it was just an old fella sittin there in patched-up rags, looked like one of the shepherds … Grampa! Ah’m bringin the gennilmin, said the Losín woman … he’s goin back, done an did it with his hands.

Sint thi youngun off ti heaven, did ji, took yi long inuff, ol witch … set yirsef down!

I didn’t understand what they said after that, at any rate it wasn’t much, the old fella tossed some leaves on the fire, herbs and … I think a raven’s wing, into my eyes an up my nose he drove the stinging smoke … at first I could make out individual feathers, but he kept wavin it at me, an the old woman began to sing, I saw her unbraid her hair … then run a comb through it, singing and combing … no, she was rending herself, tearing her hair out and bleeding … Grampa kept to himself, minding the fire, as the song grew softer and softer, and I sat down and couldn’t help myself, swaying to the rhythm … it was a long melody, and then … I was alone in the night and high in the air and flying … flying, without my willing it.

ANTHILLS. BONES. SHE KNOWS MANY THINGS. HONEY … YOU WERE TALKIN CRAP! THE HUT AND THE FIRE. THE WOLF DREAM.

I opened my eyes, starded to see two blazing spots right up next to my face … she covered them with her eyelids.

Sorry, said Černá, stretching out in the leaves, you were smilin in your sleep just now, an that’s interesting … cause all night long you were grindin your teeth an …

Sorry. It was amazing! I was flyin an … I jumped up and threw off my jacket and …

Ants? Sister said with concern.

No, hey … SUPER DISCO, it’s here!

She sat up.

Yep, the Eiffel Tower, I’ve got em.

I’m not too wild about those … disguises a yours … but whatever, she toppled back into the leaves, face to the ground.

It hit me … where we were and why … and what had happened.

Hey, I squeezed in close to her face … it’s gonna be fine, it’ll pass … I had a dream …

You’re always havin dreams, but listen, Černá turned to me, after all that, I had a really odd dream. Wanna know what it was?

Yeah.

It was odd … you were lyin next to me an I couldn’t sleep … I was too scared, the trees, in the wind they look like ghosts, an I was thinkin about those days … with him, how he useta abuse me … you know what he called me, it’s crazy, you know what he useta call me: Buns! Buns, fetch this … Buns, hold that. It was awful … an also … I’ll tell you that after … an suddenly it wasn’t you next to me but a woman … a girl, touchin me, holdin me … I said to myself in the dream, I’m a monster, I’ll do it, I’ll kill … an then I have a dream … with a woman! One time I … well, never mind … but she was holdin me … an feelin me up, my breasts … an down below too, she was checkin me out … exploring me, but not like it was a turn-on, an I had this warm feeling …

I might … know who it was!

Wait … so you know she had a white dress on, like a bride …

You bet I do!

Well … I guess you do know then, I guess you know it all … how when I opened my eyes, she was … a little like me at first, I thought, like lookin in a mirror … all except for the dress … an she smelled, you know … of earth, somethin cool … an it struck me she smelled of the grave an that she was my death. Or she was me. Dead.

No, don’t say that …

I’ll tell you one more thing an that’s it … it’s about him! After all that time with him, an me runnin away, I didn’t realize till in that dream, ach … it wasn’t … the way he talked to me: Buns … I was thinkin about it last night, an now I know …

Černá put her lips to my ear and whispered.

I know that sometimes … I even liked it! I even … Černá breathed into my ear … wanted it. Sometimes. Isn’t that awful … you can kick me now if you want …

No, for me you are what you are. It doesn’t matter.

Yeah, you mean it? You were off flyin again, aright … an if I tell you maybe I was on the other side … in the ground, down below, an that I went to … certain places? An even had to crawl! An one of the places was real quiet … an empty. You want?

No. Not yet.

I guess we were both a little crazy. Tramping through the woods, me in the lead, Černá behind me. There weren’t any paths, but going between the trees worked. At first we were glad there was … no one around. No smoke to see, no sounds to hear. An odd, empty landscape. Černá kept going slower and slower. She had on her, shall we say, rocker … boots … and occasionally we’d stop. We didn’t talk about how hungry we were. When her feet hurt too much, she lined her boots with leaves and for a while it was okay again.