Noah Cicero: The Collected Works of Noah Cicero Vol. I

There are no problems during sex.

I tell her to get on top of me.

We disconnect and she gets on top.

She puts me back in.

She goes up and down.

“People are going to die in a little bit and we’re fucking,” I say.

“What else can we do?”

“I don’t know, it just feels like there must be something we should be doing.”

“All we can do is fuck.”

“But we’re having so much pleasure, and people are going to be suffering so intensely in just a little bit.”

“Listen Mark, there’s nothing we can do. This war doesn’t have anything to do with us. We’re peasants, we don’t matter,” Kendra says.

“But I’m human, and I’m affected by this war.”

“You’re not affected, you mean nothing, you are shit in the big picture. We are all shit.”

“I’m tired of being shit,” I say.

“Get used to it.”

“Why did my parents bring me into this world.”

“Because women have a baby fetish,” Kendra says.

“Women only have babies because they want attention.”

“People love attention.”

“Sex is the ultimate act of getting attention.”

“That’s why I have it.”

“I know,” I say.

“You know me too well, I can’t love you.”

“It’s funner to love someone who really doesn’t know you.”

“I know you like a brother,” Kendra says.

“I know, it isn’t fun like it used to be.”

“It used to be so fun, but now, we sit around like we’re brother and sister watching television. The only difference is that we have sex.”

“You’re so good at fucking, I can’t resist,” I say.

“You’re good too.”

“Thank you.”

“I love fucking you.”

“I love fucking you too, I feel like I love you when we fuck.”

“Me too.”

“We’ve been fucking for seven years. Will this ever stop?” I say.

“I know I can’t go on with my life because I keep fucking you.”

“Who cares about going on with one’s life, this is all life is.”

“Life isn’t much.”

“No it isn’t,” I say.

“Once upon a time we were children, Mark, we were little and we played games, and smiled. Now look at us, the only time we can smile is when we’re fucking.”

“It’s a sad state we’re in.”

“I want more from life, I want to live my dreams.”

“How come you can’t?”

“I can’t leave the house, and I don’t have any dreams.”

“Everyone dreams.”

“I don’t.”

“You should,” I say.

“What could I be, a fireman, a rock star, what could I possibly be?”

“A painter, a writer, something, you just have to do something, you have to get motivated.”

“I’m tired of trying to be motivated. Too much has happened to me to ever get motivated again,” Kendra says.

“What has happened?”

“Well, first when I was little girl someone decided to molest me repeatedly, then my father beat me constantly, and he never spoke to me. My Elektra complex is all fucked up,” Kendra says.

“I know, a lot has happened to you… But you have to go on, you have to keep trying.”

“I don’t want to try anymore, I’m done trying. I work at Pizza Hut. That’s my life now. Pizza.”

“You have such a beautiful personality, you could be a star.”

“I can’t be anything. What for? It’s not like it will really matter. Someday I’ll die, and hopefully there’s a heaven, and that’s all I can hope for now.”

“There’s so much more, Kendra.”

“There’s only me and my madness.”

“I worry about you, I worry that one day I’ll come over and you’ll be dead because you’ve killed yourself, or you’ll be in the mental ward.”

“I’m fine, I can operate in the real world. I can work, I can function.”

“I know. You function well.”

“I’m worried about you. You don’t function at all,” Kendra says.

“You’re right, I don’t.”

“You don’t go to work, you cry all the time, and you’re constantly having panic attacks. You’re trapped in this world of shit, and I don’t know if you’ll ever get out of it. You used to be so full of hope and vigor. Now you’re like a lost man wandering alone in the desert.”

“I am.”

“Yes, you are, you’re lost. You’re so smart and powerful, but you’re just wasting it. I don’t have a chance, but you do. Don’t waste it, Mark. Take advantage of your life. I know you could do anything if you just tried.”

“I’m just in a slump right now, someday I’ll get better.”

“I know, you’re just having a couple bad months.”

“I’m going to take advantage of my life, I’m going to live it out to the end. When I die, people will admire and be jealous of my existence, and they will wonder how I did it all, how I lived such an exciting life.”

“I know you have it in you.”

“Someday we won’t know each other, Kendra,” I say sadly.

“I know, someday you’ll move and never come back. You’re not the kind of person to live in Ohio forever.”

“It’s not that I dislike Ohio, I just like other places better.”

“Someday you’ll be happy, Mark, someday life will mean something to you.”

“But you, what about you. You need to try to live again, you need to make something of your life,” I say.

“I have all I need, I have this trailer, and I make enough money to keep it. So what does it matter. I have everything I need.”

“But you don’t make enough money to go on vacation, or save up.”

“I don’t worry about that. My dad will give me money if I need it.”

“I guess you’re right about that.”

During this whole conversation we remain having sex.

I flip her over.

Then I do her doggy style.

The war is on.

I look at her and think about how doomed she is.

How she is destroyed.

I shed a tear as I fuck her.

For her.

I pull out and have an orgasm onto her back.

I stare at it.

It is powerful lying there.

She turns around and kisses me on the lips.

Then she stands up and goes to the bathroom to wipe herself off.

I sit there happy.

The war will start soon.

This is my existence.

This is who I am, and what I do.

I don’t know if I like it, or even care for it.

But I do it.

I go on having sex and drinking, not caring if I live or die.

I don’t think I’m mentally healthy.

But I don’t care anymore.

I’ve been suffering from depression since I was in ninth grade.

Since then I’ve been tormented.

Since then I’ve not wanted to be myself.

Kendra comes back into the room and lies next to me.

We light cigarettes.

There is love between us.

But I have cheated on her.

And she can never trust me again.

Therefore our love is destroyed.

I don’t care.

I don’t think she does either.

We are just two humans looking for an escape.

That’s all.

We are alone.

And tired.

“I don’t feel right,” Kendra says.

“How do you feel?”

“I don’t know… I don’t feel human.”

“I feel like that a lot of the time. Like I’m not part of the human race, I’m something else, something alone and mad,” I say.

“I feel angry.”

“You don’t act it.”

“But I am, I’m so angry. I’m so tired.”

“Don’t worry, life will get better.”

“Perhaps,” Kendra says.

Absurdity.

“You kiss other girls, don’t you?” Kendra says.

“You’re on a need to know basis, we aren’t going out.”

“I know you, and I can’t help but feel jealousy.”

“You went out on a date the other day and told me about it. What was that?”