Noah Cicero - The Collected Works of Noah Cicero Vol. I

“I like the doctor, he gives me pills. Some people say depression is all in your head, but I’m like where else would it be, in your foot… People are delightfully annoying… Do you like people? Because I sure as hell don’t.”

David stood up on his bed and scratched his bulbous tummy.

“I’m fat. You think I’m fat?” David asked.

“No, you’re like Adonis,” Jimmy replied.

“I’m like Adonis?”

“Yes, you’re a Greek god, David.”

Melissa walked into the room and sat down on the edge of Jimmy’s bed.

She was short and attractive.

“I got out of bed today,” Melissa said.

“You did, that’s beautiful,” Jimmy said.

“Yeah, I’m real proud of myself.”

“You should never exalt yourself.”

“The doctor says I should be proud.”

“The doctor is a madman. He lies to small children.”

“No he doesn’t, he’s an honest man,” Melissa said.

“Don’t believe him. He walks among the dogs.”

“What dogs?” Melissa asked.

“The devil dogs of the black forest,” Jimmy replied.

“I doubt the doctor ever goes near a forest. He lives in Youngstown.”

“So does Jesus.”

“Jesus doesn’t live in Youngstown. He lives in heaven.”

“No, Jesus is a crack addict named Tyrone who lives in the projects. He drives a Chevelle instead of a donkey.”

David still stood on his bed.

“I’m afraid,” Melissa said.

“Of what?” Jimmy said.

“Of the day. The sun is out. There’s light. Maybe it’s time for our cigarette break.”

“Ten minutes till cigarette break. I can’t wait, I’m so excited.”

“Do you think we’ll ever get out of here?”

“Don’t know, don’t care. I don’t want to go back out there, I’ll have to get a job and function. In the mental ward, you don’t have to function. It’s great.”

“I know. I like not functioning. It’s peaceful,” Jimmy said.

“We’re wild humans. No one wants us out there.”

“I had a job six months ago, I worked at Taco Bell.”

“How’d that go?”

“The boss said I was doing a bad job, so I threw a taco at her head.”

“Did it hit her?”

“No, it missed.”

“That’s sad.”

“Do you think I’m ugly, Melissa?” David said.

“No, you look good, David,” Melissa said.

“Do I really?” David said.

“Yeah, do you want to have sex?” Melissa said.

“Can we?” David asked.

“You’re retarded, Melissa,” Jimmy said.

“I haven’t had sex in over a month,” Melissa said.

“Why do you have to be such a whore?” Jimmy said.

“I’m not a whore. I’m a good girl.”

“There are no good people,” Jimmy said.

“My mother is a great person,” Melissa said.

“Every time your mother comes in, she tells you you’re fat.”

“I love my mother.”

“Your mother is evil, evil I say, evil!”

Melissa jumped on top of Jimmy and began punching him.

Jimmy threw her off.

“Take that back!” Melissa yelled.

“Fine, your mother is not a crazy bitch. She’s a completely normal human being.”

“Thank you.”

“There are cameras everywhere. They’re watching you right now. Do you feel them, caressing your skin?” Jimmy said.

“You’re paranoid, there aren’t any cameras. It’s all in your head, Jimmy. You’re a putrid little monster.”

“I love you so much my balls hurt.”

“You love me, don’t you? You want to have my babies, I know you do.”

“I want to anally rape you.”

“I knew it, you loved me.”

“I love our Lord and Savior. I’m married to Our Lady,” Jimmy said.

“You’re not married, Jimmy. You’re a loser, a loser!”

“No, I’m a winner actually. I graduated from college with a three point eight average. You didn’t even go to college. You sat around being a drunken whore while I worked my ass off.”

“I couldn’t go to college, I was too embarrassed.”

“I want to hold you. Come here.”

“No, you’re a buttfuck. You make me feel like a loser.”

“You are a loser.”

“I’m a good person.”

“So is my asshole.”

“I help the homeless.”

“The homeless are drunk.”

“Unlike you, I do nice things for people.”

“You don’t even listen when people talk!” Jimmy said.

“I’m listening to you right now.”

“No you’re not, you’re waiting for your turn to talk.”

“You’re a fucking asshole. All day you sit in your room reading because you think you’re better than us.”

“I like to read and I don’t like talking to people.”

“You’re talking to me now,” Melissa said.

“Because you came in here, I’m obligated.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“I want you to love me, I want to share a house with you, I want to grow old with you.”

“No you don’t. You just want to have sex with me.”

“What’s your point? As long as you’re getting attention, you don’t care.”

“Shut up. Why can’t you be nice? You’re always so mean and vulgar.”

“Lick my nuts, lollipop.”

“Do you guys think I’m ugly?” David said.

“No. Sit down. You’re making me nervous,” Melissa said.

David lay back down.

“My mother is dead,” David said.

“We know, you’ve told us a million times. Get over it!” Melissa said.

“She’s watching you, David,” Jimmy said.

“Shut up, Jimmy. His mother is not watching him,” Melissa said.

“I thought you believed in God. Didn’t you tell us all one day that he was coming back, and everyone but you was going to go to hell?”

“He is coming back, and you’re going to hell when he does, Jimmy.”

“Jesus isn’t coming back, and I’m not going hell,” Jimmy said.

“Oh yes you are. People like you go to hell.”

“What kind of person am I?”

“A mean one.”

“I’m a goddamn saint compared to you.”

“I think you’re possessed by devils. My pastor said that some people get possessed by devils and that’s why they become mentally ill.”

“I’m not possessed by shit. You’re ridiculous.”

“My pastor is right. Everything he says is true,” Melissa said.

“Your pastor is an idiot.”

“You’re a turd.”

“You’re a dirty monkey sinner.”

“I’m not a monkey. God created me.”

“God didn’t create shit, even God knows that.”

“God created the world in six days.”

“God lay around and smoked weed for seven days.”

“You’re an evil monster!”

“I’m pure of heart.”

“Fuck you, I’m leaving!”

“Thank God!”

“Do you think I’m ugly?”

*

Jimmy, Melissa, David, and George sat in the smoking room.

George was a man in his early thirties.

“I love smoking. It reminds me of the desert,” Jimmy said.

“You’ve never been in the desert,” Melissa said.

“I live in the desert, see that cactus,” Jimmy said.

“What cactus?” George said while looking around.

“Do you guys think I’m ugly?” David said.

“Yes, David, you’re a monster,” Jimmy said.

“Are you serious?” David asked.

“He’s kidding. David, I find you very attractive,” Melissa said.

“Quit leading him on!” Jimmy said.

“Shut up, Jimmy. You’re a mule cock fucker!” Melissa said.

“I took a shower today,” George said.

“How was that?” Jimmy said.

“I think I forgot to turn on the hot water,” George said.

“Beautiful,” Jimmy said.

“I want to go home, but my parents don’t like me,” Melissa said.