William Gaddis - J R

— How do I know that’s just how you do it move your elbow will you? Let me get this here envelope out…

— Yeah well you better watch out boy they’ll the both of them boot your ass when they find out I mean look at this, this here Major Sheets Procurement Officer you think he’s going to believe some letter he gets with a footprint all over it? Forks, picnic, wooden, nine thousand gr I never saw such crap, what’s gr supposed to be.

— How do I know it’s probably green, you just copy off how the Navy says it and say that to the Army is it my fault if they all talk backwards there…? he blew at the envelope and then wiped at Defense SurplUs SAles Office, Fleet Station SanD iego Cal with his sleeve.

— Look at that boy even if it gets there you think they’re even going to open it?

— They have to, what do you think they just open what they want? Besides what do they care what it looks like, I mean you think Mary Lou honey gives a shit if there’s this footmark on the envelope if money’s in it?

— Okay but how come you got enough to buy nine thousand wooden gr forks off them anyway, you…

— Because that’s not what you do you just send this here percent, you make this here bid and send them this here percent of…

— Okay where you getting the rest of it then.

— Off the bank… he licked and pounded an envelope, — where do you think.

— What like you walk in and say Mister Whiteback I just need some money to buy this bunch of wooden gr pic…

— I wouldn’t borrow off him boy you know what they do there? Like they say they pay this lousy four and a half percent on savings what those cheap shits never tell you they pay it on your lowest balance the whole quarter so you put like this thousand dollars in for awhile then you take out like nine fifty so you get like a fourth of this lousy four and a half percent of like fifty dollars while they been out loaning around this here thousand all the time it was…

— So what you think they’re going to loan it to you? Just because you get a free clock off some bank at Nevada boy you walk in there they won’t loan you shit wait what’s that hey, give it here…

— Deluxe portable vibrator can be taken anywhere in pocket or purse for portable pleasure, a perfect gift for…

— Can I help it if they just sent me it?

— They just sent you this too then, here. Here comes another first in the marital relations field, the vibropenis…

— Okay come on hey…

— Look I’m trying to put all your crap over here and you keep getting it mixed up with mine again that eagle thing, right under there with the eagle on give it here…

— What this? What’s…

— Give it here.

— What is it some more debunture crap? What’s this here thousand in the corner shares?

— Dollars boy that’s how much you know, it’s this here bond.

— What you paid a thousand dollars for a bond? I bet boy…

— That’s the whole thing you get them real cheap because they owe all this here interest.

— Who does, they owe who.

— Me, this here Eagle Mills they owe me.

— A thousand dollars?

— Plus all this here interest.

— I bet boy let’s see, look, look they don’t owe you shit look, it says right here Eagle Mills hereinafter called the Company, a corporation of the states of New York and…

— Come on give it here.

— No look it says it right here look, for value received hereby promises to pay to Selma Krupskaya or registered assigns at its office in Union Falls there, see? They owe it to this here Selma crap whatever her name is they don’t owe you shit.

— That’s how much you know look on the back, no down here where it’s stamped, there’s my name where I’m this here registered assign see? So what they owed this here Selma now they owe it to me.

— Try and get it look it’s stamped all over the place, somebody just wrote your name on so you’re this here registered asshole you mean who’s going to believe you paid any thousand dollars for it.

— Who said I did, like that’s the whole thing where they didn’t pay this here interest all this time so you get to buy them for like seven or eight cents for the dollar I’m getting this whole bunch of them boy, then you’ll…

— With what.

— With this here picnic forks deal what do you think… he was jamming papers into the torn zipper.

— You already got one don’t you? Why should you get a whole bunch of them hey look what time it is…

— Because they’re real cheap what do you think!

— Boy I never saw such a, I mean this here Major Sheets suppose he even buys all these forks off you so you’ve got all this money to buy stuff, who wants to buy this crap all these pieces of paper when you could buy…

— Because that’s what you do! he brought a sweater sleeve up across his nose, — what do you think it means money working for you to…

— Working shit, all this…

— Wait a second wait, this here booklet I was looking for look. Prospectus one million shares, Ace Development Company look.

— At what. It’s a bunch of trees.

— Yeah well they have all these mineral rights to explore for these here virgin minerals see that? where it says stretching as far as the eye can see boy when they find these here virgin min…

— They won’t find shit, how can they find anything with all these here trees in the way hurry up hey, it’s time. They have to knock all these here trees down before they even can…

— Hold the door a second…

— I mean all this crap you’re getting you keep saying because it’s real cheap so why should it be worth anything, I mean if it’s worth anything why should somebody want to give it to you real cheap boy what a stink, I thought they finished all this asphalt Friday. I mean you better find somebody that knows about all this crap before you get in trouble.

— Okay who said I wasn’t.

— Who, like Mrs Joubert? You just said you…

— How am I suppose to ask her, you go ask some broker that’s what they do.

— Like who Mister Wall at Wall Street? He sells you crap so you expect him to tell you it’s crap?

— Look quit saying it’s crap will you? I mean that’s how much you know besides he’s at California anyway, didn’t you ever hear of these ads like on the radio and all where they say come in and let us review the contents of your portforlio?

— Who like that guy we saw with all the heads? so you’re walking in there and saying good morning sir I would like you to review the contents of my portforlio then you dump out this bunch of crap? hey…? Wait up what’s the matter…

— Because that’s not what you do! You get somebody to help you out, like some business representative…

— Who, why should he help you out anyway who…

— Like you get somebody to do anything you pay them! what do you think…

— Okay who. You got somebody? hey? Because boy you’re going to get in trouble going around loaning money for these here forks and all, just because you been reading up all these here little books since we went to that dumb field trip before that we used to have this neat time trading boy but now everything’s…

— Okay so what am I suppose to do! he kicked up a burst of leaves before him, stopped there to shift his armload — go around selling like those free cosmetic samples with those matchbooks in these here shoes which they’re a mile too big? or like that thing I got train at home for this exciting motel career or do import export at the privacy of your own home? I mean these funny hours my mother’s always working how do I know when she’s going to walk in, like I mean this here bond and stock stuff you don’t see anybody you don’t know anybody only in the mail and the telephone because that’s how they do it nobody has to see anybody, you can be this here funny lookingest person that lives in a toilet someplace how do they know, I mean like all those guys at the Stock Exchange where they’re selling all this stock to each other? They don’t give a shit whose it is they’re just selling it back and forth for some voice that told them on the phone why should they give a shit if you’re a hundred and fifty all they…