William Gaddis - J R

— But no how could…

— I know it’s not precisely what your aunts might have wished Mister Bast but you, they may be pleased to know it’s been preserved…

— No but a dollar! how could…

— It does seem rather inequitable yes I agree, however in such cases the state feels it comes off well with any bid over a penny since the purchaser is obliged to remove the structure from the condemned property saving the state the costs of demolition, as occurred with the barn studio building there to the rear of the property where, oh Mrs, Mrs Angel come in I’m sorry, I didn’t see you standing there please come in and, and sit down yes Mister Bast and I were just discussing…

— Hello Edward. I heard what you were discussing Mister Coen, please go on.

— There’s really no more to it aside from the, the somewhat ironic circumstances of my discovery. The details just came to light when a woman of some means whose philanthropies include the preservation of the studios of prominent American artists learned inadvertently that the Bast property was razed to make way for a Cultural Center project of which she is also a sponsor, as a trustee of the Philharmonic her abrupt interest in James Bast seems to have been provoked by their decision to plead for his return from what I see referred to as his self-imposed exile as the only conductor capable of rescuing them from the severe difficulties into which they have recently…

— Excuse me Mister Coen, where shall I put all this music Mister Bast. Mister Bast…?

— What.

— All this music you wrote here, where shall I…

— Just, just throw it away it’s, throw it away.

— But the way you worked on it, I’d hate to just throw it away after how hard you…

— I said throw it, here! give it to me I’ll throw it away! it’s, it’s…

— But you worked so hard remember how proud Mister Dune…

— Look he didn’t even, I told him this morning I don’t have to anymore I don’t have to try to write music… he had a foot up jamming the pages into the wastebasket — I never had to, it was just something I’d never questioned before I thought it was all I was here for and he, everybody thought that they thought I was doing something worth doing he did too but he, nothing’s worth doing he told me nothing’s worth doing till you’ve done it and then it was worth doing even if it wasn’t because that’s all you…

— Mister Bast please, you…

— There’s no please no there’s no please left! the, the damage I’ve caused because they all thought what I tried to do was worth doing and I haven’t even done it…! he was down picking up pages his foot had brought out of the basket with it, jamming them back in with his fist — I, I should have just done what you wanted me to in the first place Mister Coen that, signed that waiver or whatever it is for my claim to half the estate and just let everything…

— No but Mister Bast you, I’m afraid you mistake the purpose of a waiver it was simply, at this point the question is really irrelevant of course but if you do now intend to claim…

— Excuse me is, Mrs Angel…?

— Yes I, I am doctor what…

— It’s your husband in intensive care? Yes, I have a…

— But what is it what’s happened!

— No no please sit down no he’s, his condition is unchanged, I know this is an extremely difficult time for you Mrs Angel but we have a request which I hope you will be able to consider without…

— Well what is it!

— Yes you see the, of course you’re aware that in spite of our efforts the possibility of your husband’s failing to survive is a very real one it, it could happen very abruptly we have really no way of knowing. Aside from this traumatic injury however his health appears to have been, to be excellent there’s no indication of damage sustained by any of his internal organs and…

— You mean he might, that you might be able to…

— No no I’m afraid I, you see Mrs Angel in the transplant of a vital organ the decision must be carried out as rapidly as possible following the expiration of the, the donor and you see as his wife we would need your prior authorization for the immediate remov…

— No.

— If I could add that another patient has just been taken to the operating room whose survival may depend…

— No! leave me alone no!

— Doctor I, as their attorney you might clarify matters for me if we stepped into the hall…

— Stella…

— I said leave me alone! Haven’t you done enough Edward didn’t you just say you’d done enough! You despised him you…

— I! I didn’t even, no that night in the barn that night I can still hear his steps on the broken glass down there in the dark you didn’t even move when he, everything smashed breaking in when I found you up there and you…

— You think, I did? that I broke in and smashed…

— Dishes that’s not what I said I didn’t say dishes! What difference are, are dishes no you broke in Stella you broke in and destroyed every, up there I can still see you those flashes of lightning I can still see you on the bed up there I can still see your throat your voice I can still hear it don’t, you don’t have to seduce me I can still feel your hand when you…

— Destroyed of course I did! You didn’t think I, that I wanted you did you? You don’t think I, that day up on the mountain that I didn’t know you were watching me? that you’d followed me up the stream till I took off my bathing suit and were in the bushes there watching me? That this whole absurd, her bosom shaken by a sudden storm of sighs this whole frightened romantic nightmare you’d put me into all of it, all of it! that, that barn out there where these ideas these fantasies these, these obsessions could hide untouched unfinished till you opened the door on them again, on this fear you haven’t inherited James’ talent so you’ll settle for money that’s where it belongs all of it, with your music in the trashbasket all of it!

— No you, you are aren’t you Stella you’re, he said you were yes you’re a witch aren’t you you’re…

— Who did who!

— Your throat yes that scar I can still taste it in the dark those steps crushing glass you destroyed him you’ve tried to destroy…

— It was Jack wasn’t it, it was Jack…

— Who Jack who it didn’t have to be Jack you destroyed him too yes, you…

— Where is he!

— He’s I don’t know where he is he’s, that place I’ve been working in uptown he’s been trying to work up there no he didn’t have to tell me no, no I could have told him since you were a child I’ve always heard it, what you could destroy I’ve always heard them talk about you that you made things up you spread stories because you hated her didn’t you, one summer you were still a child one summer in Tannersville you hated my mother for what she’d done to your father didn’t you! For leaving him to, when she left him for…

— Yours yes for yours! When she left my father and wanted James to marry her and he wouldn’t because he was afraid for his work, even when you were born and she just wanted him to try and he wouldn’t he was afraid for anything to come between him and his work when all of it happened and then they blamed me they all blamed me! That horrible woman that fair that summer in Tannersville that tent, I went in to have my fortune told it was almost dark inside she had scarves and earrings so much makeup and costume jewelry and I thought she was a real gypsy I was so excited, she told me some stupid flattering things she had a crystal ball it was just a fishbowl upside down looking into it and she said, she said you’re really a very unhappy little girl aren’t you and I started to talk, I didn’t know what I was telling her I didn’t even know she was asking me questions, my father and yours and Nellie what I’d seen what I’d heard everything I didn’t even know I’d told her when it was over, when she said cross my palm with silver and I paid her the ten cents I saw her finger, the tip of one finger missing and I knew who she was I didn’t even know why I was frightened, I ran out in the sun and fell down and your father found me behind the car being sick he took me back, they didn’t know what had happened they never knew but they blamed me all of them, all of them and I never trusted any of them again!