William Gaddis - J R

— No I just want to get…

— I mean you’re telling me how I wreck up everything and you don’t even listen! Like this here Bunky, you even said I screwed him sticking him out selling these plastic flowers at this cemetery boy do you know what that shit did? I mean you think he’s so simple minded when we took over Eagle I do his father this big favor, I give him this job handling all these rebates on this cloth where there’s something wrong with it? So this one place they’re getting like twice as many rebates which they’re always way bigger than these other ones too so I’m trying to find out how come they wait up…! the weeds closed behind him — how come this one place is always getting so much lousy cloth so I find out there’s no such of a company! I mean we never even would of found out he went and set up this here fake company to give all these big rebates to if he would of just gave them like the same as these real ones only he has to try to grab all the listen! I mean I’m telling…

— I heard you! can’t you damn it didn’t you learn anything from that? grabbing ev…

— I mean that’s what I’m telling you! I mean why should somebody go steal and break the law to get all they can when there’s always some law where you can be legal and get it all anyway! So I mean I do what you’re suppose to and everybody gets…

— But why why are you supposed to! that’s what I’ve…

— No sir boy you, I mean like you’re telling me listen to this here singing just tell me what you hear so when I tell you you get so pissed off you smash it because I didn’t hear what I’m suppose to like you’re telling me how great the sky is and all like, I mean like this here night Mrs Joubert grabs me to make me look at the sky where she’s pointing see back there? that top of that like round white thing lit up back of those trees back there she’s holding me against her tit pointing at it so I can’t hardly breathe telling me see the moon over there coming up? is there this millionaire for that? and I, I duck away and she’s pissed off at me too it doesn’t matter she says why couldn’t, I mean why can’t anybody just…

— But she’s can’t you see what she, why did you duck away! can’t you see what she was trying to tell you she…

— What tell her it’s this top of this here Carvel icecream cone stand? tell her does she want to bet her ass if there’s this millionaire for that? I mean you and her boy you’re telling me it doesn’t matter I mean you got what you wanted to didn’t you! I mean you’re blaming me for wrecking up everything and everybody like this here Bunky you know why he did it? I mean this dumb shit he goes and signs up for these like nineteen thousand four hundred dollars of dancing lessons he should have went to jail only I try to help him out, I give him this here franchise of all these plastic flowers where I even tell them to put up these signs you can’t bring any fresh ones in the cemetery on account of cleaning up and helping out pollution and all to pay off these dancing lessons I mean just almost like you can’t you even…

— Like me what what do you…

— This here music I mean what do you think! I mean okay I don’t mean you stole something like him or you walk around like this here funny looking windmill like you said he does only these dumb dancing lessons he has to have I mean this here whole big opera music thing you got to do it didn’t you!

— But I, why do you think…

— These a hundred musical insterments all playing at once where they like taped it for you and all I mean didn’t you? where you said it’s something you have to do like it’s your only reason to be anybody so I mean what’s the difference if maybe I couldn’t even understand it! I mean just because you know what you have to do without somebody’s always telling you what’s the difference if I look over there and see this icecream cone thing where Mrs Joubert sees this here moon coming up where I’m trying to find out what I’m suppose to do so you say it’s trash? where this here paper says I’m this man of vision so you say it’s trash? where I’m leading this parade where there’s this groundswill of I’m like fit for this big career in public life I mean this here eighth grade at this orange place where I’m telling them play to win only it’s not this game anyway even if you do what you’re suppose to I mean even if it’s trash boy, I mean you got to do what you have to do out of it didn’t you?

— But I’ve, this music listen that’s what I…

— No that’s okay I just mean didn’t you, that’s all. I mean you don’t need to go around thanking everybody Bast but like where we said we’ll like use each other and I mean where even Crawley he’s telling me how this music’s so important where you’re working so hard on it and all so I mean even where you didn’t hardly open the mail or like even answer the telephone hardly and I didn’t get pissed off because all the time I had these here big plans you know hey? I mean not just for me for the both of us…

— Listen that’s what I’m talking about! I, this chance, I had the chance and I didn’t do what I…

— No but that’s what I’m telling you either did I! I mean from right at the start where I think it’s this big deal loaning money off some bank where I find out you can’t hardly not loan it off them till by now they’ve like got everybody by the short hair I mean I should have just went after some bank myself right at the start! I mean I get all screwed up with these low-cost operations all over the place like that dump I made you have your office at and these bus rides and these forty-eight-cent dollars how did I know the more you can spend the more you get, I mean I should have only went after all this here cost-plus stuff right at the start! Like I mean these here little booklets they never tell you how you get to take this percent of the more you can waste where all these here regulartary agencies like this FCC and PSC and all they’re like right in there helping you out to get all you can? I mean like where you just said I should have went after this here insurance company for this big cash reserve at the start instead of just to insure all these dumb employees which it’s not even them that’s insured anyway hey? where this guy which he’s like getting his insides taken out it’s not even him it’s this here doctor which the more he takes out the more he gets I mean it’s him and these hospitals and everybody, they’re insured they’ll get paid whatever they want because they’ve got these big lobbies and all I mean I didn’t even know what’s a lobby hey! I thought it’s just this place in some hotel where you get to sit down, I mean I’m just finding out everything’s like just the opposite of how I thought is that what you mean hey? Bast…?

— No it’s, look it’s useless no I give up, I can’t…

— No but you can’t give up now hey wait up! I mean just when we find out how everything works hey? Where I mean just because I screwed up this once where we didn’t do all this here PR stuff right hey? I mean like Davidoff and those guys if they wouldn’t have screwed up on all this PR stuff where now everybody’s blaming me for how the whole market’s like diving and all I mean once we do all this PR stuff right hey Bast? where you’re in the paper going to these important functions with this here tuxedo like all these big politicians go around in all the time to these banquets and all hey? where you get to play golf with like Billy Grahey? Wait up I mean this rain it feels like it’s turning into snow hey Bast? I mean listen wait up, like do you need any money before you come to school tomorrow to like pick up your check hey?

— No…!

— Because I can’t hardly see you I mean what are you going to do then hey, hey? Because like I was thinking hey Bast? I mean where you could go on this here lecture tour just like everybody hey? where you screw everything up so then you get to go on this lecture tour at these neat colleges and all and you write this here book and get to go on tv where you make all this money while you’re figuring up what to do next at these banquets and all hey? Like even that Finders Keepers one I read you on the train if you could just have went to that, I mean I never even got to go once! he stumbled, kicked in the wet weeds and a can tumbled out to the highway’s broken shoulder — like that Union Falls one you told me about right at the start hey? with this banana sticking up out of this pineapple with this peanut butter and marshmallow and all? I mean I always remembered that… he got an arm up to pull the wet sleeve across his nose — hey? Because with this here Begg lawsuit and all if we can’t fix something up I mean maybe you could just go bankrup awhile you know hey? Like I got this thing someplace how you get to be declared this here bankrup for like seventy-five dollars then you get to start over hey? I mean it says did you just turn twenty-one been reprosessed bad credit we finance anybody walk in drive out? Then I mean we could just hook that onto that ten dollars that time from those train tickets with interest where you can just pay me it all back on time when you get to start all over hey? I mean I’ll bring it to school tomorrow when you come for this here check and hey listen… came blown over the wet weeds, — I even got this here old booklet off the goverment where you still get to homestead like we had at school in the olden times hey? Where you get like this whole hundred sixty acres free which you just improve it by like chopping everything down I mean I’ll bring it tomorrow too okay? And hey Bast? I mean sometime… the wind flung the voice into the weeds, raised it abruptly with — hear this here tape they made you sometime hey…? bill for all these horns and kettledrums and all I mean… hear it I mean I bet it’s as good as this thing you just made me… hey? even if I don’t hear exactly what I’m suppose to…? the wind came down, lost any voice but its own till it seized the clash of branches tossed bare over ruts leading into more ruts and the remnants of pavement, the rusted length of a car’s muffler and the sodden heap of a mattress, torn pennants of paper swirled in the leaves and then the sudden iron nakedness of a piano frame still strung pounced shaping in the mud as though to fossilize a bedspring fused at this lonely height of passionate deformity caught now in a glance of lights where the ruts broke off on darkness spread glistening beyond, lights sweeping in with maritime disdain to stop and add a burst of flashlight reduced to the jarring cadence of a man on foot.