William Gaddis - J R

— Well what happened.

— This busted sidewalk sticking up I hit my ankle I mean everything’s getting wet holy, I mean couldn’t you even carry this here tape thing it keeps bumping my…

— All right but where! what do you…

— I mean I couldn’t even see you ahead of me just then did you hear what I said? I mean just this once no wait! or I mean what’s, like what was it all for!

— That’s what I’ve been trying to tell…

— What tell me what! I mean you’re telling me how neat the sky looks you’re telling me listen to this here music you even get pissed off when I…

— I asked you what you heard! that’s all, I…

— What like it lifted me out of mysel…

— Not what I said no you! what you heard!

— What was I suppose to hear!

— You weren’t! you weren’t supposed to hear anything that’s what I’m…

— Then how come you made me lis…

— To make you hear! to make you, to make you feel to try to…

— Okay okay! I mean what I heard first there’s all this high music right? So then this here lady starts singing up yours up yours so then this man starts singing up mine, then there’s some words so she starts singing up mine up mine so he starts singing up yours so then they go back and forth like that up mine up yours up mine up yours that’s what I heard! I mean you want me to hear it again?

— No!

— See I knew you’d…

— Never want you to hear it again I never want to hear it again myself! you, everything you ruin everything you touch!

— Wait wait hey quit…!

— Think I could ever hear it again without hearing your, everything everybody! you destroy whatever you…

— Quit kicking it! you, it’s smashed what did you…

— Why not why not smash everything! Charley Yellow Brook in that smashed Cadillac waving a pint bottle telling me the earth is his mother telling me corn is a god talking about water water thanking me for trying to, Mooneyham weeping in his omelette before his heart attack George Wonder hanging onto me when the police took the gun away from him I can trust you Bast you’re the only friend I’ve got if there’s one thing I know it’s brewing they’re pushing me out, it’s all I’ve got Bast you’re the only friend I’ve got and that, that poor Brisboy you’re all we have left smash all of them! Union Falls wipe it all out but your cemetery that simple minded Bunky there selling your purple plastic daffodils to help him out help everybody out everything everyplace there’s nothing you can’t destroy even, even music a glorious piece of music I thought it could rise above anything even your, even you I thought maybe you’d hear something there some speck just a speck in you somewhere might wake up might be exalted for an instant you hear me? Even an instant!

— Boy after all I did for you…

— All you did there’s nothing you haven’t done for me nothing wherever I go I, that junk pocket radio there was one station with decent music the only station left on the radio anywhere it came on one night noises screaming pounding noise brought to you in this new popular format by the J R Family of Companies bringing America its full share of of holy shit!

— No but…

— No but nothing! that was you too wasn’t it? even that it was your idea wasn’t it?

— Okay what’s so…

— Okay nothing it’s the whole thing! the whole rotten thing it’s a perfect example even you can understand it! the one station that played music great music left in the whole loud cheap pounding stupidity of radio you find it and make it cheap and stupid like all the rest if you could, if there was one flower out here in this mud and weeds and broken toilet seats you’d find it and step on it, the minute you…

— Okay wait look is it my fault if…

— The minute you get your hands on something the power to keep something like that going you couldn’t do it you couldn’t even leave it alone for a few people still looking for something beautiful, people who’d rather hear a symphony than eat who can still, who hear a magnificent soprano voice singing ach nein when you hear this here lady singing up mine you can’t get up to their level so you drag them down to yours if there’s any way to ruin something, to degrade it to cheapen it…

— Look is it my fault if this here symphony takes like half an hour to play it! And I mean you say cheapen boy this whole deal it’s like two million dollars in it and I mean like who wanted to buy their lousy station anyway! I mean this here Pomerance’s agency they go around there for us where all we want is like this one hour a night to get our message acrost so they tell us how much and then they get real snotty and say they still control the program content which that’s these here symphonies and all so I mean how many messages are you suppose to get acrost in this here hour where it takes this band half of it to play this one symphony for these here people which aren’t hungry where this other crap takes like three minutes each, I mean what do I care what they play there! Like we’re paying them for this here whole hour aren’t we? I mean if they could get through these here symphonies in like five minutes where we’re getting this bunch of messages in we’re paying for I mean what do I care what they play! I mean who’s paying them to play all this here great music these people which aren’t hungry like at Russia? where the goverment makes everybody listen to it? Like I mean this here station it’s lqsing so much money it can’t hardly last anyway so I mean we have to buy it to help them out I mean what am I suppose to do! That’s what you do!

— All right all right! Listen I can’t…

— No but holy shit Bast I mean that’s what you do! Like I mean these here Indians is it my fault they think corn is this here god they don’t even have electricity? is it my fault if I didn’t get these here leases off them and leave them stay there somebody else is going to screw them out of the whole thing? Is it my fault if I do something first which if I don’t do it somebody else is going to do it anyway? I mean how come everybody’s always getting mad at me! Like we get Milliken to help fix up these laws to start selling this marijuana to help out these here Ritz stockholders so Beamish gets pissed off and goes and quits just because I did it first like these ads in these here textbooks and all, I mean he gets pissed off at that just because I do if first so then he gets pissed off where I do just like everybody like where we’re franchising out this here health plan, I mean where these nursing homes and funerals and all they have to buy everything off us where we get to charge them what we want and squeeze them out anytime we want is it my fault that’s what franchising is! I mean Beamish even gets pissed off where we paint this Triangle water tower like this here giant roll of toilet paper then he respectfully submits why don’t we recycle this here whole encyclopedia I mean is it my fault if we’ve got this like third of a million dollars sunk in it when some wiseass finds out these writers they’ve just been making up entries only nobody knows which ones? I mean then where one of them even says what do you expect for this half cent a word what am I suppose to do, recycle it and throw all these here printers and binders and salesmen out of work so they all get pissed off like at Eagle? I mean like we close the mills so they’re all pissed off about this here vacation time they been saving up like it’s my fault they didn’t take their dumb vacations so they’re going to strike and sue us and all so this here Billy Shorter, I mean just to shut up his union we go and give his stupid kid this Wonder beer distributorship which he screws it up so bad we have to buy it back off him for like fifty thousand dollars I mean what do you expect me to do! Hey…? My ankle I can’t hardly, hey? Bast…? he pushed shoulder deep from weeds to gather his armload close stepping high over the rutted mud, — I couldn’t see you hey wait a second… he paused against a pole of rust signaling the opening with an indecipherable sign — I mean did you even hear what I was just telling you?