William Gaddis - J R

— What, he muttered concentrating on mismatching button to buttonhole, — get to the point of the English suicide left the note too many buttons to button and unbutton…

— Jack?

— Used to have a friend who couldn’t stand them even the word called them fifty-threes, what?

— Did you stuff all these paper bags under this seat cushion?

— Oh, forgot all about them yes, he looked up square into nulliparous shadow, swallowed, — that first night we…

— But why on earth… she brought the robe closed, sitting back.

— I just save paper bags Amy. Anything wrong with saving paper bags?

She just looked at him, brought up her cup. — Is something wrong? and she drank looking over the rim, — Jack? It’s not us, it’s not me is it?

— No it’s just, I don’t know look you’re not even thirty Amy not even near it I’m old enough to…

— But, whatever made you think of that Jack how silly! What difference does it make?

— I don’t know just, things you say sometimes I just…

— But what, what things…

— I don’t know just things like, well like Bast this Edward Bast how dear he is and…

— But he is dear Jack you can’t be, you can’t be that unkind Jack you can’t be serious he’s younger than I. And I scarcely know him but he’s so sincere and shy and enthusiastic and that, that kind of touching desperation about him he’s so, young is that what you mean?

— I don’t know you’re not even thirty and I guess I…

— But why do you keep saying that do you think I want someone thirty? If I did I’d find someone Jack I don’t want someone thirty, nothing’s happened to most men thirty there’s nothing in their faces yet at all, I’ve always gone with older men…

— I gathered.

— What?

— Nothing… he reached for cigarettes, found only cough drops, shook one out.

— No but what did you mean.

— Nothing I, that first night here in bed when I, when you said it happens to everybody when I…

— But… her cup came down slowly, — but why would you say this to me?

— I don’t know Amy just…

— No but look at me Jack why.

— Don’t know I told you just suddenly…

— No but why look at me, because I said that you think I sleep around? with older men is that what you mean?

— Told you I don’t know Amy the whole thing the telephone calls the, a douche hanging on the bathroom door I just…

— And you thought it was mine?

— Well what… he looked up to her finally, — no wait listen…

— No please…

— Amy listen I didn’t mean…

— Please!

— No but listen don’t, listen…

She’d pulled the robe’s collar up loose to wipe under an eye, and she let it fall back without gathering it closed. — I’m just so disappointed, she said and let her head back, staring at the ceiling. — No, no please…

— No but Amy I…

— I said please! She pulled his head up sharply — I don’t understand Jack honestly I don’t understand you! To say things like that to me one minute and the next minute you expect to make love to me I don’t understand you! He pulled his shirt together, joined her search of the ceiling as she broke it off. — If you want to ask me questions ask me questions instead of, I’ve told you I’m not brave but I’ve never done anything I thought wasn’t right and when you try to make it sound as though…

— No all right damn it Amy I didn’t mean, I mean what’s so damned strange about jealousy I just…

— Because it’s ridiculous Jack it’s ridiculous and unbecoming and to pick on a perfectly harmless young man? Or because I sleep around with older men I don’t but what if I had, not if I’ve loved someone or why I’d love anyone or want them to love me but just who I’ve slept with or you’re afraid I might sleep with isn’t that what you’re saying? isn’t it?

— No but don’t you see…

— Jack is that why you’d want me to love you? for the one thing any other man can replace? The one thing a woman’s afraid of a man loving her for when she thinks that’s the only reason he please, Jack no please…

— But Amy I…

— When you said once you thought you didn’t understand women Jack I couldn’t bear that don’t you understand!

He caught her coming to him on the sofa, caught up an edge of the robe to wipe away under one eye of hers turned full up to him and then the other — I, maybe I do… and he let her face go past his, and held her there.

— Jack these must hurt they must, she said at his neck finally, — this one’s so deep it must have hurt I feel so badly… her hand caught his shirt up and her breath followed a gash down from his shoulder, — Jack no, please…

— Why not… his lips blurred over the dark margin curled against them.

— Because you’re, you’re not being…

— Friendly to bellies damn it Amy that’s not fair… his tongue fled up to its depression, — trying to show you I’m the friendliest person to bellies in the long term you’ll ever… but her hand drew his head up. — Trust bellies in the long term they’re just friendly by nature, never know if breasts are going to be friendly or not… He brushed beneath, — much bolder than bellies never know where you stand with them… and his lips came up over color ringed around, — can’t define them too damned simple… his tongue sweeping color pebbling to its touch — can’t even devour them, a million squalid tries in paint and words never touch them… his teeth caught at the peak, — sublimely stupid, always becoming… and he came down with a heavy crunch.

— Jack what…!

— Told you fair warning to breasts.

— No but… her hand there, — what did you…

He breathed at her. — Cough drop.

— Oh! she caught his head away — honestly…!

— No there’s no harm look, can’t harm them can’t harm any of them, nulliparous, primiparous, multiparous not a trace anywhere look at that… his lips brushed across, — just sheer dumb splendor.

— Don’t Jack don’t be…

— Silly? what, nulliparous? Means not having borne a child that’s all, one is primiparous, two is multip, God you’re beautiful he said at her shoulder where the robe came away, coming down with her, beside her, half behind her drawing her leg over his.

— Does it mean all that much, really? she said not even turned to him, her head back off his shoulder.

— Does if you believe the sculptor… his hand brushed up from her knee to the pleat paused there fashioning it open almost as though by chance, — the one who called beauty the promise of function…

— No it’s all right, she whispered, her free hand caught his raising the telephone and pressed it back, returned it to the other plying now as though in search, for entry risen from beneath but still importuning that bracelet of dark hair along the bone rubbed harder at its crest, faster with each fall and rise threatening loss restored that quickly gorging the slap of cheeks abruptly stilled, dead weight at the ring of the phone and her hand round seizing anywhere to hold him against loss, before her other rose for the receiver. — Hello? choked near a whisper then, — hello…? Yes I… yes I’ve been waiting for you to call I… sound like I what? No I, I ran for the phone yes of course I’m all right… No but Daddy I… because I just hoped you could do something quickly to help me find out where… No I did tell him that I told him to tell Uncle John that because this wouldn’t have happened if Uncle John hadn’t… No I didn’t I’m not going to either the only reason he wanted me to come down there was to sign some… Daddy I don’t care if it’s important it’s important to him it’s important to you but it’s not important to me…! her nails bit deeper where they held, her weight dipped urgently hard on retreat, recoiled with a surge — if any of you ever thought what’s important to me…! Yes right now to go over there myself right now if… yes from my trust fund just enough to… But… Yes but… But it’s mine isn’t it? mine? didn’t Mama… I’m not then I won’t I certainly won’t if that’s all you… There’s nothing else no nothing else what else could… No no one told me that he had, again…? Daddy I don’t care who Mister Wiles thought he saw me with in an elevator I’m simply… yes if you’d ever thought what’s important to him either…! I… I won’t no I won’t bargain I think it’s simply criminal I do goodbye! she held it off, urging her name against the sofa’s arm till he reached there to hang it up, her hand clenched in his, ham slipped from its tensing rise and in a sudden turn all of her fallen away beside him up towering in dismay lost in his throat as her hand came to seize him, her arms to pull him down legs flexed against his shoulders’ old scars torn across with new till his hands cradling her lunges brought them up cavernous against his breaking upright to his knees as though in anxious wonder to contain it all, postpone one instant to the next claim to the instant just gone by and there the wager taken once for all, until, in surges shuddered like despair, it was too late, their weight came down all weight again. That close, he looked at her as though she were already gone, and she as though there were nowhere to look except away. — Jack? What time do you suppose it is.