William Gaddis - J R

— Look Vern what the hell is he talking about Whiteback he…

— Yes well I think Vern just means that ahm, an old sort of barn studio beyond the trees there some teenagers had apparently taken over for a dope and ahm, and sex club where the police found a number of these glassine bags among the books and music torn up all over the floor and ahm, obscenities spraypainted on the walls yes but of…

— And the pictures Whiteback, I’m sure the Major’s boy would be…

— Yes well no apparently there were pictures tacked up everywhere of ahm, of women with exposed ahm, exposed I think the newspaper used the word exposing their ahm of course I understand the owners are being cited for maintaining a public nuisance but since condemnation proceedings are already ahm…

— I just want to know what Vern thinks he’s getting at with these cracks about my boy Vern if you think you…

— No offense Major, I just thought after what he’d provided the community here with on the school television he might…

— Yes well I think that’s what Mister Hyde came in to discuss and of course if…

— Yes and I don’t know what the hell the uproar’s about, I’m pressed for time but I want to clear this up before it goes any further. My boy told me he’d sent away for a film about karate and when he got it and had no way he could see it he did the logical thing didn’t he? Came in here and put it on some of the school equipment how did he know it was being broadcast all over the countryside…

— Yes well of course we ahm…

— He thought it was a film about karate and he said when he held it up to the light all he could see was a couple of tiny figures doing something how was he supposed to know they were…

— Yes well since most of our viewers ahm, from most of our calls and mail they apparently thought it was part of our new sex education program and found it quite ahm, the letter from the Senior Citizens found the whole subject handled with it’s right here somewhere, seemed to find it quite stimulating here it is yes, handled with refreshing candor…

— There, any reason to take it any further? In fact it sounds to me like my boy performed a real community service here after that smutty thing Vogel showed up with about Millie Amp shortcircuiting her shunt and said he’d just followed an outline Dan here discussed with him, if that’s…

— Yes well Vogel of course…

— And how many youngsters here saw it anyhow, just the fifth grade mostly wasn’t it?

— Yes well of course that’s how it happened to ahm, how they happened to see it over to the parochial school too yes apparently they’ve been taking Mrs ahm, taping Dan’s wife’s little enrichment lesson on silkworms and were quite ahm…

— Their own fault then isn’t it? They’ve got their own closed-circuit system over there now what do they expect…

— Yes well of course I’m sure they didn’t expect ahm, rear entry while sitting I believe Father Haight mentioned as something quite ahm, unexpected that is to say apparently that was the only ahm the only sequence he…

— A mixed couple though wasn’t it Major?

— Yes well I think Vern just means ahm…

— I know damn well what Vern means of course it was a mixed couple, nothing pansy in it at all in fact it sounds to me like my boy helped get these fifth graders off to a good healthy…

— Yes but of course some of the parents are ahm, who took an interest in silkworms that is to say are still somewhat…

— And if this is all the boy’s done Whiteback I don’t know why you even called me in, my office is pretty excited about the way I’ve handled this home ec equipment for them and I’ve got to…

— Yes well no in fact he ahm, yes well he also seems to have been collecting material that ahm, I had it right here yes that was found in his locker and could hardly be confused with ahm, with karate that is to say right under here somewhere they must yes no these are the pictures they sent us out of Mrs Joubert’s field trip but ahm, but but wait but wait if these are the pictures of her field ahm what was she Dan right over under those clippings will you see what’s under those clippings there…

— But, these…?

— Yes hold that up Dan, what you were just discussing isn’t it Whiteback? What was that word you were looking for, pudenda? or would you call that a proscribed opening.

— Yes but no I…

— Used to call it hair pie back where I came from that is to say, yes hold that one up too Dan. Looks like she’s working up a frothy little selection on the old licorice stick nothing pansy about that either is there Major, must be the one Whiteback just finished telling Mrs Joubert to use in her television lesson to show us what America’s all…

— Yes but she yes that’s why she looked so…

— Modest I think you said, can’t really blame her of course can you, in fact if this is what really happens on those field trips I might like to go along on one myself Whiteback, if you think she’d…

— Yes but no I thought I’d put those, that whole pile I thought it was right here, I didn’t know I’d left it right out where she could…

— Sound like Vogel, he just told me it looked so nice out this morning he thought he’d leave it out all day too.

— Yes no Vogel of course isn’t here no he…

— He’s setting them up in the boys’ room right now, just go in and he’ll show you where the…

— Look Vern will you just damn it Whiteback give me that magazine see where he got it.

— Yes it seems to be ahm, In die Gurgel hineingestossen it says yes it looks like a German ahm, organ…

— Look like a German organ to you Major? Looks to me like the biggest black organ I’ve ever seen, maybe your boy’s passing it around to give the other youngsters a really meaningful learning experience in race relations.

— Look Vern just, will you just shut up? It’s nothing but, probably just some black GI over there making out with one of the local frauleins how would he know what he was sending for? Stossen die Gurgel I never would have known it myself, now just…

— Probably just sent away to get the stamps.

— Well why not he collects stamps doesn’t he? Why not.

— Wait what’s that one you’ve got there Dan, looks a little more in the medical line.

— No this just just, it just says the new coitus splint designed for preliminary rigidity it just…

— It’s all yours Dan, the Major and I are a little old-fashioned I think we’ll just stay with the stossen die Gurgel approach, Major? Nothing pansy about…

— All right look Vern you’ve, he’s had his fun Whiteback we’ve wasted enough time clearing this up and I’ve got to get hold of my office, just push that over here where I can dial Dan? Get a call in to the man who’s running the store there before they close up shop watch that cord there Whiteback it’s…

— Yes wait let me move this ahm, these pictures yes these are the ones I meant this field trip of ahm, Mrs Joubert’s field trip yes…

— Hello…? Yes give me Mister Davidoff this is… No no Davidoff yes this is…

— Mrs Joubert’s social studies class Vern, her youngsters bought a share of stock in Mister Hyde’s Diamond Cable Company to learn what ahm, learn what Am…

— Voted to buy it Whiteback get that in, all voted to buy it with their own hello? No no Hyde, my name’s Hyde I got an urgent call to… In sales yes I got an urgent… Davidoff yes Davidoff he’s… he’s what? What do you mean he’s no longer with you with us yes what do you… No no wait get me Mollenhoff then, Mister Mollenhoff in… hello?

— Here let’s see that one Whiteback, didn’t know you had such a quota of blacks.