William Gaddis - Carpenter's Gothic

— Well I, I'm not sure Paul I…

— How much is it Bibb?

— It's a hundred dollars but it's a little bank somewhere down in the…

— Not a God damn thing wrong with it probably just take it a few more days to clear than…

— Give you seventy five for it, Paul.

— What?

— I'll give you seventy five bucks for it.

— What do you mean sev, it's a hundred dollars a check for a hundred dollars what do you mean seventy five.

— Cash. I mean look at it man, the Pee Dee Citizens Bank? And I mean look at that signature, Billye Fickert? Who's that, some moonshiner you picked up?

— Billy please, if you can really cash it couldn't you just…

— No come on Bibb, I mean Paul's the smart operator isn't he? Knows all about discounting commercial paper doesn't he? A roll of bills had surfaced from somewhere deep in the folds of grey, come up tight in a fist on the table — moving into the big time here, he's got a friend at the Pee Dee Cit…

— Shut him up Liz look, something important before my car comes, I think I hear it. If I get a call on this book advance, didn't get a chance to talk to you about it an advance on a book this publisher's interested in, just tell him you think I'm thinking in terms of twenty thousand leave a little room to move in, there's the car I'll try to…

— But what about your flight? She was up, — will they take you to…

— I'll get there.

— Make it eighty Paul… He had the roll of bills tight in his hand, — I mean look at this big favour you're doing me taking it. You're giving me this chance to do this good deed man, I mean look at this great fucking karma you're giving me.

— God damn it Liz will you, look Billy take your God damn karma and shove it, shave your head give you a red blanket stand you out on Tu Do street with a God damn bowl you ever seen a monk barbecue? Know one God damn thing about karma you'll come back as…

— Billy give it to him! Cash it all of it! just, just give it to him! And two fifties came casually from the heart of the roll of bills tossed on the table where she swept them up, coming after him to the door. — And Paul? She pressed the bills in his hand there — I didn't, those flowers to Cettie I didn't thank you…

— Keep the door locked.

— And Paul…? But he was already pulling it tight behind him against the burst of headlights, the car door slammed and she watched the red glows down the darkness before she turned. — Why do you do that? She was still at the door, her back against the door. — Why do you have to do things like that.

— Like what. I mean he didn't even sign it, grabs the money and runs he didn't even endorse it, what good is it… He crumpled the check into a wad and tossed it at the trash. — You need any cash?

— No. Just if, that twenty you borrowed, if…

— Here… he thrust a thumb into the roll of bills and dropped one on the table without looking at it. — Where's he going anyhow. He runs out of here didn't even have carfare, I mean he's crazy Bibbs. He's crazy.

— Washington, she said, and pushed the plate to him, — do you want this chicken?

— And like what was all that when I called you earlier, I'm teddibly sorry senator I mean you sounded like Edie's old Aunt Lea. We do want to get down to Montego Bay but Paul's so teddibly busy and then he stamps in here with if Mcsomebody calls tell the senator some kind of bullshit, what's all that.

— It was nothing she said, sitting down — just, nothing.

— Then you hung up. I mean he's getting you as crazy as he is, you think he's going to take you to Montego Bay? He couldn't take you to Atlantic City, I mean this last minute bullshit about some book advance. He's going to write a book? He can't do anything Bibb he's never finished a fucking thing, his big resort deal they pulled right out from under him? Then all you hear about's this big movie he's going to make about Marco Polo with some more of your money and when the money's gone you never heard about it again. I mean how can you live with this bullshit.

— It's just, I don't know. Something happens…

— I mean that's what I'm saying, not a fucking thing happens! He walks in the door and…

— No I mean it's, nothing happens till he walks in the door, I don't know what it is, as long as something's unfinished you feel alive it's as though, I mean maybe it's just being afraid nothing will happen…

— How can anything happen! That's why he's got you locked up here, he's scared shitless some old friend will find you he's scared something will happen, he can't finish anything because he's scared shitless of finishing anything why don't you pack up. Pack a bag and get out of here Bibbs, listen. I'm going to California I'll wait for you. Tonight, pack a bag and I'll wait for you.

— I, I can't.

— Why not why can't you. Leave him a note tell him you just have to clear some of this bullshit out of your head, this broken down house the whole wet gloomy everything dying out there in the sun, get a look at it. Why can't you.

— Because I, it wouldn't be fair…

— Fair? Oh man, to him? I mean when was he ever fucking fair to anybody, this same bullshit Bibbs it's this same bullshit. He married you for money and makes you feel guilty for having it so he blows it, the worse things get the more he piles on the guilt he's got your mind so bent nothing happens till he comes in the door? I mean who else comes in the fucking door.

She was staring at the benign face of Benjamin Franklin on the bill there on the table before her as though to catch his eye. — No one, she said, — no one.

— You know Bibbs? He was standing there leaning against the doorframe, — like I've always wondered. I mean how you'd always find somebody that's just not as good as you are? I mean like that Arnold? and that guy from Florida that's going to be this great actor and the old man threw him out of the house? I mean it goes way back, like playing doctor with that little prick Bobbie Steyner they said only had one ball? where he got you down in the boathouse and tried to get your pants down?

— No, no Billy honestly…

— No I mean no shit Bibbs. These real inferior types I mean this real instinct, like you were always this beautiful girl with red hair and this real pale white skin and these great high cheekbones and this whole like, like something vulnerable where they want to get in there to protect you and waste you all at the same time? and like they're the only ones you'd ever let in? where he's pulling your pants down and you still think you've got the upper hand? Like I mean it goes all the way back where you practiced on me when I was like three, when you put that little yellow fucking doll's dress on me in that toy crib and you were the mommy or you wouldn't play with me? No I mean don't laugh Bibbs… But she wasn't, it was a sound choked off somewhere between that and loss — where if I didn't answer when you called me Jennifer you wouldn't even talk to me? He'd turned away looking into the living room, cracking his knuckles behind him, filling the doorway.

— But it was, Billy don't you see it was how it all started, because you were the only…

— Man I know how it fucking started! I mean that time at the table when I threw some applesauce and the old man grabbed me and put my plate on the floor in the corner, if you want to behave like a dog you can eat like a dog does, I mean I was his dog till he got his own fucking dogs. I mean you don't ever fucking forget that. All his big crazy ideas where he's this advisor to presidents, this master of corporate strategy, master of this far flung mining empire master of bullshit all he ever did was push people around and let somebody else pick up the pieces. He bullied anybody that got near him like he bullied us, like he bullied mother like he bullied you till you'd do anything to get out, so you did what you always did. You find this inferior person, you know he's fucking inferior and you've married the same thing you tried to get away from. Like why do you think the old man took Paul on in the first place, because he'd found somebody just as fucking inferior as he was, the only difference the old man was smart and like I don't mean intelligent, I mean there's a big fucking difference. Like where Paul first showed up talking about he's this big wounded hero with…