Christopher Beha - Arts & Entertainments - A Novel

On his way to school, he picked up the daily papers. In the Post, Page Six had an item about Martha’s pregnancy and her engagement, but nothing about the tape. Eddie tossed it out and opened the Daily News. The gossip page was still written by Morgan’s old boss, Stanley Peerbaum. He also led with Martha’s engagement, but he added more: “It may not be all good news for Martha Martin, though. CelebNation is reporting rumors of a sex tape making the rounds, dating back to Martin’s early days as a struggling actress in New York.”

The magazine had never mentioned New York. It only said that the tape was from before the start of Dr. Drake. The rest must have come to Peerbaum directly from Morgan. It was all going to get back to Eddie a lot sooner than he’d thought. He’d been with Martha the entire time she lived in the city, and it wouldn’t take long for some devoted fan to figure that out. But there was nothing to be done. Morgan hadn’t even broken their promise, really. What he’d told Peerbaum would be obvious at first sight to the people who followed Martha’s career obsessively on the message boards. Eddie hadn’t thought any of this out.

He was already late for school, and he handed his paper to Stephen McLaughlin on the way inside before rushing to chapel. He arrived there just as the opening hymn drew to a close. A long silence followed. Some of the faculty in the back looked at Eddie. He’d come in a bit late, out of breath, but that shouldn’t have been the cause of such attention. One of the history teachers, John Munroe, bumped Eddie with his elbow.

“You’re up.”

Eddie had completely forgotten about his chapel speech. Only veteran teachers were assigned to speak this early in the year, but somehow he had become one of the veterans. At the lectern, he cleared his throat and waited for the boys to quiet down. He never had their attention in this setting, but he didn’t blame them for that, since he hadn’t been inclined to give his attention when he was in those seats himself. Now he found that his silence had more effect than his words usually did. The boys looked at him expectantly, almost hopefully. What could he tell them that would mean something to them? What had he wanted to hear at that age?

“I graduated from St. Albert’s more than fifteen years ago,” he said. He cleared his throat while considering where to go from there. “Just last June, after you guys all left for the summer, I had my fifteenth reunion. Sixteen years ago, I sat where you seniors are sitting now. Thirteen years before that, I went to kindergarten here. Some of the people I saw at this thing I’ve known for almost thirty years.”

He could see how smoothly things might go from here. Say a few words about lasting relationships, about treasuring your time, be done and sit down. But he was on the edge of something that some of these boys might actually remember. He started over.

“Those of you who have been in my classes know that I was an actor before I came back to St. Albert’s. That is, I was trying to be one. And in fact I continued to try after I started teaching. Or I thought I would continue to try. The point is, I assumed that I was just passing back through here. I suspect now that this isn’t the case. Most of you probably are just passing through. As most of my classmates, the people I saw last June, were just passing through. You won’t think all that much about this place after you leave, though ten or twelve years is a long time to spend somewhere. But one of you might come back, like I did. And maybe you’ll think you’re just passing back through. But probably you will not be.”

They were listening now, if only because they were curious where he could possibly be going. Even some of the seniors in the back had quieted down. He was getting close. He was right there, looking at it.

“What is my point here? A question I’ve asked myself occasionally is why I thought I was just passing through. That is, why I thought I might still be an actor when I had not had any success at it. Something you have no doubt been told at some point, perhaps even in this very chapel, is that you can do anything you really set yourself to doing. I know that I was told this many times when I was your age. Although it should be obvious enough to all of you that this isn’t really true. I mean, supposing there are fifteen of you in this room who want to be president of the United States. And you all really set yourself to this task. Well, how many presidents are there going to be in your adult lifetime? Ten? Most presidents wind up getting two terms, but let’s just make it simple and say they’re all single-termers. So let’s say twelve presidents. That’s forty-eight years. You can’t be president until you’re thirty-five. That’s in the constitution. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, or put your mind to it. It’s the law. And then no one gets elected in their eighties. So then let’s say that for an unprecedented string of fifty years this country only elects presidents who are in this room right now. That’s still, what, thirteen at the most. I don’t know if I’m doing this math right, but you get the idea. So two of you, who really, really set your mind to it, don’t get what you want.

“But of course that’s even taking it to logical extremes. The reality is that none of you are going to be president. Not one. I mean, let’s be serious. Because it’s not really up to you or how hard you work. It’s up to voters. It’s not in your control. Acting is like that. You could be Robert De Niro, but if the casting director and the producers don’t want you, it doesn’t matter. Plus, needless to say, I wasn’t De Niro. In fact, I understand now that I was pretty terrible.”

Some boys laughed uncomfortably, until the look on Eddie’s face silenced them. They were a little frightened, and that made him happy.

“It wasn’t because I didn’t want it,” he continued. “I wanted it as badly as anyone wants it. A lot of the people I went to school with, they did get what they wanted. So it’s not all bad news. But mostly what they wanted was to be rich. Which it turns out isn’t that hard, especially if you were born rich to begin with, which most of them were, and which I guess most of you kids were, but which, as it happens, I was not, so maybe even if that had been my big goal I still wouldn’t have been able to make it happen.

“So anyway, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try really hard. I don’t regret having worked so hard at acting. At least, I don’t think I do. Sometimes I do, but not most of the time. I guess I just wish I’d quit a little sooner than I did, when there were still some other options available to me. Not that I’m sorry I wound up back at St. Albert’s, exactly. So I think you should put your mind to whatever you want, but also be realistic about the fact that, depending on what it is, you probably aren’t going to get it, in all honesty.”

Everything went silent as he walked away from the lectern. The closing hymn was supposed to start, but even the music teacher at the organ had stopped to watch Eddie walk down the aisle. Finally he reached the back of the chapel, the music started, and everyone stood.

Eddie wasn’t sure how his performance had gone over, but he had other things to worry about. When he left the chapel, he headed straight for the faculty lounge. Most of the other teachers had class first period, so Eddie found the place empty. He sat at a computer that faced away from the door, so that he could close his browser if anyone came in, and he searched for “Martha Martin Sex Tape.” The first site that came up was CelebretainmentSpot.com.

“Dr. Drake Sex Tape is for real,” Eddie read at the top of the page.

On the same day that pregnant Dr. Drake star Martha Martin announced her engagement to her Life After Laura costar Turner Bledsoe, rumors swirled of the existence of a sex tape featuring Martin, apparently taken by an ex-boyfriend while both were struggling actors in New York. Now, a CelebretainmentSpot source has confirmed the existence of the tape. They say it is clearly Martha Martin in the tape, and that it is HOT! “I’d rank it three jalapeños,” our source said. “It’s definitely her, and it’s definitely steamy.” He said that Martin’s partner, who has yet to be identified, can’t be seen in the tape. “That’s okay,” he added. “No one will be watching it for him.” That’s for sure! Stick with CelebretainmentSpot for more on this developing story.