Percival Everett - Erasure

“You think you the man cause you wearin that uniform,” I say.

He just looks at me.

“Sit back, now,” Mama say to me.

Quanita-Mack park the car and we walks across the street and into the studio and we find a line at Stage F. I walks up to the front and tells the guy at the door that I’m s’posed to be on the show.

“What’s your name?” he ax.

“Van Go Jenkins,” I say.

“Okay,” he say. “Go on in to door three. They’ll take care of you in there.”

“What about my Mama and sister,” I say.

“And Quanita-Mack,” Mama say.

“Yeah,” I say. “They gotta get in.”

“Okay, okay,” he say. “I’ll see to it that they get in.”

I walk on in and I see the way them people in the line be lookin at me. They know I’m gone be on telebision by now. I find door 3. I knocks on it and it opens. There’s a fine lookin white girl standin there, but she lookin at me hard and mean.

“My name be Van Go Jenkins,” I says.

“Good, get in here,” she say and she grab me by the arm and pull me in. “Gloria!”

A skinny blond-headed girl come runnin up. “Yes, Pam?”

“Take this gentleman over to makeup and get him shined up a little bit,” Pam say. She look at her clipboard. “Then take him to booth one and put the headset on him.”

“Got it,” Gloria say. Then she look at me. “Come on.”

“So, what the show bout today?” I ax.

“Can’t talk about it,” Gloria say.

I follow her down a long hallway. “Somebody gots a crush on me,” I say.

“How about that,” she say.

We gets to this room and there’s this fag nigger standin there in purple pants and a pink shirt tied in a knot above his navel and he say, “Come on in, baby, and have a seat. Queenie gonna do you good.”

“Fuck that,” I says. I turns to Gloria. “That eye ain’t gonna touch my ass.”

Queenie say, “I don’t want to touch yo’ ass. Yet.”

Gloria put her hand on my arm. “You want to be on TV, right?”

“Yeah,” I say.

“You want all those people out there to see you on the stage, right?” she say and she straightens up the front of my shirt.

“Yeah,” I say.

“Then let Queenie shine you up just a little bit,” she say. “I promise it won’t hurt.”

“Now, come on, boy and get in this chair,” the faggot say to me. “Are you afraid of me?”

“Naw, I ain’t scareda you or nobody,” I say.

“Then sit down,” he say.

I sit down and the nigger take to spread vaseline on my face.

“What that shit fo’?” I ax.

“This will make you shine like a proper TV nigger,” he say. Then he laugh real loud and I can see in the back of his mouth. He got gold fillins. He calm down. “So, somebody’s got a crush on you, eh, baby?”

“So I hear,” I say.

“I can see it,” he say. “You think you know who it is?” he ax.

“I don’t know who it be,” I say. “Could be a lotta peoples.”

“Ohhh,” he squeal. “I likes that. Confidence. Could it be a man?”

“Bet’ not be,” I say. “I don’t wanna have to kick nobody’s ass on nashnal telebision.”

“Well, well,” he say. “All done.”

“That it?” I ax.

“That’s it,” he say. Then he call out, “Gloria! Gloria!”

Gloria come in and look at me. “All shined up,” she say.

“You can take little-Mister-afraid-for-his-ass away now,” Queenie say.

“Don’t make me have to jump on yo’ ass,” I say.

“Promises, promises,” he say, laughin. “You couldn’t handle it.”

“Come on,” Gloria say and pull me out the room and back into the hallway. “It’s almost show time. I’ve got to get you into the booth and put the headset on you. What kinda music do you like?”

“I likes rap,” I says.

“Got lots of rap,” she say. “Now you just stand here and put on these headphones. You see that camera?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, when that red light comes on, you’re on televsion,” she say.

“No shit,” I say.

“No shit. But don’t say anything,” she say. “After a while I’ll stop the music and tell you to come on out. You just follow the red line on the floor to the stage. Got it?”

I nods.

“Okay, then,” she say. “I’ll call you in a while.”

“Okay.”

She leave and pretty soon some lame-ass rap wanna-be shit start comin through the headphones. Just like she say, bout ten minutes later the light on top of that camera come on. I smiles at it and kinda dance to the music. It happen a couple mo’ times. Then, just like she say, the music stop and Gloria tell me to walk on out to the stage.

I be struttin cool as shit along that red line, round the corner, through the door and down the stairs to the stage and there they be. My fo’ babies sittin on they fo’ mamas’ laps. Aspireene be sittin on Sharinda’s lap. Tylenola be sittin on Reynisha’s lap. Dexatrina be sittin on Robertarina’s lap. And Rexall sittin there on Cleona’s lap. The empty chair be next to Cleona and that big waterhead retard be grabbin at my shirt when I sits down. The audience be booin me and I look up and I can kinda see they ugly ass faces, but the lights in my eyes and I gives them the finger. Booin me? Shit, I kick all they asses.

Snookie Cane, that fat bitch, be standin in the middle of the audience and she say, “What a tough audience. Welcome to the show, Van Go. Look at the expression on his face,” she say. “We told Van Go that he was coming here to meet someone who had a crush on him. Are you surprised, Van Go.”

I look at the camera. “Yeah, I surprised,” I say.

“Today’s show is called, You gave me the baby, Now where’s the money,” she say. “So, where is the money, Van Go? These four ladies say you have never given them any cash for their children.”

“I takes care of my babies,” I say.

“Well, that’s a different story from the one we’ve been hearing,” she say.

“I don’t know what you been hearin, but I takes care of my babies.”

“Youse a damn liar,” Reynisha shout. “You ain’t gave me a damn penny, you dog.”

The audience laugh.

“Sit down and shut the fuck up,” I say.

“You can’t use that kind of language on the television,” Snookie Cane say. “And I can’t believe you would talk that way in front of your children.”

“But the ho be lying,” I say.

“Who you callin a ho?” Reynisha say.

“You, bitch.”

The audience makes a big noise all together. Snookie Cane steps down closer to the cage. “Check the language, Van Go.”

“He ain’t bout nuffin,” Cleona say.

I give her a hard look since she sittin right next to me.

“Have you given Cleona any money, Van Go?” Snookie Cane ax me.

“What?”

The audience laugh.

“Yes or no, have you given Cleona any money for Rexall?” she ax.

“You see, I ain’t had a job,” I say.

“But you have a job now, right?” Snookie Cane say.

“Yeah, but I ain’t got paid yet,” I say.

“So, when you get paid, are you going to give money to each of these ladies?” she ax.

“Hell, no,” Sharinda say. “He don’t care bout nobody but hisself.”

“Yeah, I’m gone give them some money,” I says.

Robertarina laughs loud. “I’ll believe that shit when I see it.”

“Your language, Robertarina,” Snookie Cane say.

“Sorry,” say Robertarina.

“Some surprise, huh,” Snookie Cane say to me. Then to the camera. “When we come back we’ll see if we can get to the bottom of this and we’ll hear what our audience has to say.”

The lights on the cameras goes off and Snookie Cane is surrounded by people makin up her face. She ain’t payin no attention to me. Cleona give me a look.