John Barth - The Sot-Weed Factor

" 'How is't ye ladies of the court be sailing on such a privy as this?' one asked, and the daughter replied they were not rich, but had only wealth enough to pay their promised ransom and would be paupers after. Another asked profanely of the mother, How was't a noblewoman thought no better of her noble arse than to wed it to that craven lout her husband? This I thought a sharper question, for he was indeed a coarse and common tradesman, by the look of him. But the daughter spoke rapidly in French, and the lady replied, that her husband came from one of Virginia's grandest families. To which the daughter added, 'If you must know, 'twas a marriage of convenience,' and went on to say in effect, that even as her father had bought her mother's honor with his estate, so now she would buy it back from us, for that same estate. The men took this merrily and heaped no end of ridicule upon the husband, who was like to beshit himself with fright upon the deck. They were now of half a mind to swive and half to take the hundred pounds, but scarce knew whether or not to credit the women's story.

"Now you must know that 'twas my wont whenever I met a stranger to enquire of him, Had he ever known a wight by name of Burlingame? And would explain, I had a friend called Henry Burlingame Third, who greatly wished to prove he was no bastard. All the men aboard had got accustomed to't, and made it their jest to speak amongst themselves of Henry Burlingame Third as some grand fellow whom all must know. For this reason, when the lady had made her speech a wag amongst us said, 'If he be a great Virginia gentleman, then surely he must know Sir Henry Burlingame, the noblest Virginian that ever shat on sot-weed.' And he added that if they knew him not they must needs be impostors, and to the rail with 'em. At this methought the game was done, inasmuch as 'twas but a fool's test, to give excuse for swiving. But the maid replied, she did indeed know of a Henry Burlingame of Jamestown, that had come thither with the first settlers and declared himself a knight, and she went on to say, by way of proof, that 'twas much doubted in her circle whether he was in truth of noble origin.

"At this the men were much surprised, none more than myself, and I resolved to risk my life, if need be, to spare theirs so I might query them farther on this head. I declared to the men that all the wench had said of Burlingame was true, and that for my part I believed the whole of her tale and was ready to trade her maidenhead for a hundred pounds. The greater part of the men seemed ready enough to do the same, now their first ardor was cooled — the more for that our pirating ere then had yielded little profit. Captain Pound raised then the question of hostages, and it was resolved that one of their number must remain behind till the ransom was paid, and forfeit life and honor if 'twere not. At this, mother and daughter spoke briefly in French, after which each pleaded to be left as hostage, so that the father might be spared."

" 'Sheart, what solicitude!" Ebenezer cried. "The wretch merited no such affection!"

Burlingame laughed. "So't appeared to all the crew save me, who followed clearly what was said. Know, Eben, that these fine women were bald impostors. The daughter had conceived the ruse and told it to her mother in French. And when the matter of hostages arose, the mother had said 'Pray God they will take Harry, for then we'd be quit of him for fair, and not a penny poorer.' And the maiden's brave reply was, ' 'Tis sure they will take thee or me for swiving, unless we persuade them of his value.' 'Fogh!' had cried the mother. The beast hath not the value of bouc-merde!' — which is to say, the droppings of a billy goat. To this the maid replied, that such exactly were her sentiments, and the only recourse was to offer themselves and plead for his release, relying on our gullibility.

"The men at first ignored the bait, until I asked the ladies Wherefore their devotion, seeing he was such a craven brute, who had shown no concern for them at all what time we made to swive them, but blubbered only for himself? To which the maid replied, that though 'twas true he cared naught for them and had liefer part with both than lose ten crown, yet they did adore him as foolish women will, and would perish ere they saw him injured. The husband was so entirely astonished by this speech, that at first he could not speak for rage and terror, and ere he could collect himself I declared that clearly he was not to be trusted ashore but must be our hostage, and the ladies sent for the ransom, inasmuch as their devotion to him assured their return. The men were most reluctant to set the wenches free, but Captain Pound saw reason in my argument, and ordered it so. The fellow was sent below in chains, the ladies fetched new clothing from their chests, and a boat was made ready to carry them ashore; but ere it left I got the Captain's ear in secret, and implored him to send me with them to guarantee their return, inasmuch as I could understand their tongue, unknown to them, and would thus be forewarned of any treachery. He was loath to let me go, but at length I prevailed upon him, and rowed off with the ladies in a longboat. The plan was that Pound should go a-pirating for some weeks and come again to the Capes where I would rejoin him at the end of September. Moreover, to quiet the suspicions of the crew, and their envy of my lot, I declared to them aside that I would have the women themselves bring the ransom aboard, which once secured, they could be swived till the rail gave way!"

"Henry!" Ebenezer exclaimed. "Can't be that — "

"Hold on," Burlingame interrupted, "till the tale is done. We were put ashore near Accomac, on Virginia's Eastern Shore, whence we were to start our journey to the ladies' home. 'Twas dark when we landed, for we feared detection, and we resolved to go no farther until dawn, but make a fire upon the beach wherewith to warm ourselves. As we watched the pirates make sail and get under way in the moonlight, both women wept for very joy, and the mother said, in French, 'God bless you, Henrietta; you have rid us of the pirates and your father in a single stroke!' The maid replied, 'Rather bless this fellow with us, who is so wondrous stupid to believe my lies.' 'Indeed,' said the mother. 'Who'd have looked for such a fool 'neath such a handsome skin?' At this they laughed at their boldness, little dreaming I could grasp their every word, and to carry the sport yet farther the maid declared, 'Aye, in sooth he is a pretty fellow, mother, such as you nor I have never spent a night with.' 'Nor would ever,' said the other, 'had we not got shed of Harry. I must own that had he made the threat alone, I'd have let him have his rape and saved our money. Yet I'd not have wished thee touched.' 'Oh la,' the maid replied, 'think not I plan to lose a penny: the handsome wretch will fall asleep anon, and we shall either flee or do him to death. As for my maidenhead, 'tis but a champagne cork to me, which must be popped ere the pleasantries commence.' And looking me in the eye, she said for a tease, 'What say you, fellow: veux-tu être mon tire-bouchon? Eh? Veux-tu me vriller avant que je te tue?' "

"I know not the tongue," said Ebenezer, "but the sound is far from chaste."

"Shame on you, then, that you have not learned it," Burlingame scolded. " 'Tis a marvelous tongue for wooing in. I cannot tell how fetching 'twas to hear such lewdness spoke in such sweet tones. 'Poin çonne-tu mon petit liège' — I hear't yet, i'faith, and sweat and shiver! I saw no need to carry the deception farther, and so replied in faultless Paris French, ' 'Twill be an honor, mademoiselle et madame, nor need you kill me after, for your joy at leaving those brigands behind doth not exceed my own.' They had like to perish of astonishment and shame on hearing me, the maid especially; but when I explained how I had come to be among the pirates, and what it was I sought, they were soon pacified — nay, cordial, even more than cordial. They could scarce leave off expressing gratitude, and, seeing the cat was out of the bag, we spent the night a-sporting on the sand."