John Barth - The Sot-Weed Factor

Being ready with their clubs, to beate out his braines, Pocahontas, the Kings dearest daughter, when no entreaty could prevaile, got his head in her armes, and laid her owne upon his to save him from death; whereat the Emperour was contented he should live to make him hatchets, and her bells, beads, and copper; for they thought him as well of all occupations as themselves.

"I'faith," he said, " 'tis a marvelous rescue!"

" 'Tis a marvelous romance," Burlingame corrected, "for the substance of the Journall is, that this Burlingame witnessed the whole proceeding, which was not so wondrous heroic after all. I'll say no more, but leave you to read the piece without delay."

So saying, Burlingame went inside the inn, and Ebenezer, rinding a bench in the sun, made himself comfortable and read in the Journall as follows:

The Privie Journall of Sir Henry Burlingame

I. . had divers time caution'd [Smith], that our guide, a rascallie Salvage that had liefer steal y rpurse than look at you, was nowise to be trusted, he being doubtless in the pay of the E mpr[Powhatan]. But he w dnone of this, and when, the River growing too shallowe for our vessels, this same Salvage propos'd we walk overland to the E mprstowne, w chhe claim'd was hard bye, our C aptagreed at once, maugre the fact, w chI poynted out to him, that the woods there were thick as any jungle, and we w dbe sett upon with ease by hostile Salvages. The C aptmade the usuall rejoynders, that he ever maketh on being shown his ignorance and follie, to witt: that I was a coward, a parasite, a lillie-liver'd infant, and belike an Eunuch into the bargain. This last, he regardeth as the supremest insult he can hurl, for that he him selfe taketh inordinate pride in his virilitie. In sooth, such a devotee of Venus is our C apt, that rare are the times when he doth not boast openlie, and in lewdest terms, of his conquests and feats of love all over the Continent and among the Moors, Turks, and Africkans. He fancieth him selfe a Master of Venereall Arts, and boasteth to have known carnallie every kind of Woman on Earth, in all of Aretines positions. In addition to w ch, he owneth an infamous lott of eroticka collected in his travells, items from w chhe oft displayeth to certain of us privilie, with all the smuggness of a Connoisseur. More of this anon, but I may note here, that judging from our C aptspreoccupation with these things, w choft as not represent unnaturall as well as naturall vices, I w dbe no whit surpris'd to learn, that his tastes comprehend more than those of the common libertine. .

[The Author here describes, how the party goeth ashore, and is led by their treacherous guide into the hands of the Indians.]

The Salvages then setting upon us, as had been predicted by men wiser then our C apt, we fought them off as best we c d, with small success, for the quarters were close and our attackers virtuallie atop us. Our leader, for his part, shrewdlie pull'd that Ganelon our Guide before him for a shield, and retreated in all haste, exhorting us the while to fight like men. Happilie, he caught his foot upon a root of cypress, and flew backward off the bank into the mud and ice. The Salvages having by this time captur'd us, leapt upon him, and held him fast on his back, and on our informing them, in response to there querie, Who was our leader? that it was he, there Chief, Opecancanough, and his severall lieutenants, pleas'd them selves openlie, and us privilie, by thereupon making water upon him, each in his turn according to rank.

[The prisoners, of w chthere are five, are carry'd to a clearing, where they are tied one at a time to a sweetgum tree and shot with arrows, till none but Smith and Burlingame remain.]

. . coming then to my C apt, they made as if to lay hold of him, to lead him to the same fate suffer'd by the others. A gentleman to the end [Smith]. . modestlie suggested that I precede him. Be't said, that in matters of this sort my owne generositie is peer to any mans, and had it prov'd necessarie, I s hdstoutlie have declin'd my C aptsgesture. Howbeit, Opecancanough pay'd no heed, but him selfe taking the C aptby the arme, pull'd him toward the bloodie tree. At this juncture, the C apt(who afterwards confided to me, he was searching for his Africkan good-luck peece) withdrew from his coat a packet of little colour'd cards, the w ch, with seeming innocence, he let fall to the grownd. The Salvages at once became arows'd, and scrabl'd one atop the other, to see who s hdretrieve the most. Upon examining them, they found the cards to portray, in vivid colours, Ladies and Gentlemen mother-naked, partaking of sundrie amorosities one with another: in parties of two, three, four, and even five, these persons were shown performing licentious feats, the w chto be perform'd in actuall life w dwant, in addition to uncommon lubricitie, considerable imagination and no small tallent for gymnastick.

One can fancie with what whoops and howls of glee the Salvages receiv'd these works of the pornographers art, for Salvages are a degenerate race, little rais'd above the beastes they hunt, and as such share with white men of the same stamp a love for all that is filthie and salacious. They at least had in their favour, that they had never before seen a white woman cloth'd, much less uncloth'd, and how much less indulging in such anticks as were now reveal'd to them. They laught and shouted, and snatch'd the cards from one another, to see them all.

[They] ask'd [Smith], Whether he had more [of the cards]? Whereat he took the opportunitie to draw from his pocket a small compasse, the wonder of which (for I had seen it before, to my abashment), that not only did it shew the poynts of the compasse, w chmarvell alone w dmethinks have suffic'd to awe the Salvages. . it also, by virtue of tinie paintings on small peeces of glass mounted inside it, treated the deprav'd eye of him who lookt through little peepholes in the sides, to scenes like those of the cards, but more real, for that there devilish creator had a nice facilitie of giving the scenes a sense of depth, so that one had the feeling (pleasant to degenerates) of peering through a keyhole, to witness gentlemen comporting themselves like stallions, and ladies like mares in rutt. .

Howbeit, the damnable device must needs be held in a certain manner, so that its lenses caught the sun at a proper angle. The Salvages, and Opecancanough in especiall, being quite unable to master this simple trick, it was necessarie they preserve the wretch my C aptlife, in order, presumablie, that he might serve as operator of there Mayfair show for ever. So arows'd were they over there treasures, that maugre what I took to be suggestions on my C aptspart, that only he was needed to perform the miracles of the compasse, the Salvages took both of us along with them to Opecancanoughs town, w chlay, we were told, hard by that of the Emperour. . entirelie forgetting, in there vicious delight, to fill my stomache with there arrowes. .

[The twain are carried to the town of Opecancanough, and thence to Powhatans town, and at length into the presence of the Emperour himself.]

[This prospect] appear'd to please my C aptmightilie, for he spoke of naught besides, when indeed he deign'd converse with me at all, but how he had schem'd the most efficacious manner of winning the Emperours favour, as soone as ever he s hdbe presented to that worthie. I. . warn'd him, more, I confess, toward the saving of my owne skinne, w chI car'd not to loose, then the saving of his, that we were, for aught I c dsee, still mere prisoners, and not emissaries of the King, and that as such, I, for one, s hdbe content were I to leave the forthcoming interview with my head yet affix'd to my shoulders, and my bellie free of arrowes, without troubling farther about Emperial favours or bartering agreements. My C aptmade me his usuall witless insults for replie. .