James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

Because he put the nails in the wall and in the side of the tallboy to join on the top of the desk. So if ye took out the nails and took it away all holes were left behind. My maw hated it. Oh if we want to sell the tallboy, now we cannot. Why did you not tell me you were doing it? Now it is ruined it is just ruined. And we cannot move the wardrobe because the shelf is joined to the wall.

My da's face was red.

Oh Johnnie it is just stupid. I wish you had said first. Oh why did you not say it first?

Oh well, I can put it back again.

You cannot put it back again. Really, it is ruined. It will just be holes in the side. My maw went to the side of the wardrobe and was poking at it. Oh and see this crack here, she said. Look, the wood is cracking, and will just get worse. Nobody will buy it now. Oh I wish you had said first.

My da done the job and she did not know he was doing it. He waited till she went to work then made it all as a surprise. Oh I thought ye would be pleased, he said.

Well I am not pleased, it is just silly. Ye have ruined the tallboy. Ye have ruined it.

No I have not.

Yes you have.

I can fix it.

Oh you cannot fix it with all these holes.

I can.

But you cannot. Oh I wish ye would get a job.

Well I want a bloody job, that is what I want.

My maw did not say anything. Because it was his fault he did not have one. He had a job and then he chucked it. He got fed up and just stopped it. That was what my maw said, imagine having a job and just giving it up, it was stupid. Now he was looking for another one. Oh to hell with factories I need the open air.

My maw just looked when he said that. If he wanted back to sea, that was what she was thinking. He said it if he lost his temper, Oh I am going back to sea.

Oh well go back to sea.

Yes I am going.

Well go.

I am bloody well going alright.

My maw and my da were arguing about it a lot. I kidded on I was reading a school book or else just went into the bedroom. Even if Matt was there, he did not say nothing. I was over in my grannie's and said it to her. Oh he is idle, she said, I do not like to see a man idle. If he gets a job he will be fine.

It was nay good him being home. I stayed out the road. If I still had homework I lay on the floor in the room and wrote it there. Matt kept his schoolbooks on the desk all marked at their places. He hated me using the desk and ye could not touch his books. But for ink-exercises it was no fair having to be on the floor. Yer elbow did not fit right when ye were holding yer pen, ye got smudges. Then if it was ink on the carpet my maw went off her head. I needed the desk. My maw told Matt to give me a chance for it. Latin was the worst. Ye needed two schoolbooks and were to write in real ink and watch ye did not smudge the jotter. So I needed the desk, I just needed it, so I used it, because if it was there and I needed it, how could I no, if I needed it? That was a desk for writing on. So I done it. Matt came home and caught me. He walked right in. Oh you have touched my books! Do not ever touch my books I am warning ye. You have touched my books. Do not ever touch them.

I was not touching them.

Never ever ever, he said.

But Matt I was no touching them.

Never ever. Do you hear me? I am warning you. Never ever ever.

So what never ever ever. Never never never never. I did not care about his blooming nevers or evers. I was no shaking in my shoes. No for him. What was he going to do. If he punched me, so what. I did not care, I did not care. Oh but now he grabbed me round the neck gripping me and my shirt got caught, and at the button-hole just that sound. Oh it is ripped it is ripped.

I do not blooming care if it is bloody ripped. Lucky for you I do not lose my temper, lucky for you!

I was gasping, and if he was going to punch me, if he even tried it, even if he tried it. I nearly swore at him. He swore at me. I nearly did, or else spit in his face. And he was going to punch me, nearly going to, and I shouted at him I do not know what, just shouted. He let me go and the door opened and my da marched in just the angriest ever. I shall bloody well give yez both a doing if ye do not shut up. Just shut up. Shut up! Just shut up! My da now was roaring. The two of yez, just the bloody two of yez!

Then it was to Matt. He was looking right at him, very very hard, and if Matt said something back to him, well, ye were just waiting, but Matt did not. My da turned and went back out. I had never seen him so angry, no with Matt. He did not shut the door. I went out after him but into the kitchenette, out on the balcony, and just stayed out the road.

I did not care about Matt's desk anyway. I did not want any desk. So what if I could get it after him. I did not want it after him. I was not doing any things after him. He could do after himself what he was doing, going to College or what, I did not care what he done, I did not want his stuff, nothing about it or about him. I did not care about anything about him and that school, it was his school, it was not my school, it was just bloody horrible just the bloody worstest worse it ever could be. I never saw him there. I did not look for him. Wherever he was, I did not care. So if people saw me talking to him, Oh Smith has a big brother. Maybe they would have said it, Oh who is he, is he yer big brother? But I did not see him and did not want to see him. I just walked the corridors. Where was I going. Here and there, everywhere, and late for classes. I did not see the buildings right. I did not know them. And ye came in the door and they all were looking at ye. Oh we are very glad you could make it. That was the teacher if he was sarcastic. Or they gave ye a look and nodded their head so ye knew. Oh just go to your seat Smith.

Then if it was the wrong class. I got that mixed up and the teachers gave ye angry looks. Upstairs for one period and downstairs for the next and everybody all rushing about then if it was another building. There were three buildings. So ye were walking up and down and roundabout and where was yer class? Nowhere. Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen. So I just chucked it and missed the period. I went to the lawy and read a book.

Then what happened I was walking in the playground and the next thing I was out the gate.

That was funny. I did not mean to do it. I passed the Headmaster's Office. Ye had to pass it to get out. So I went right along the Exit Corridor and through without seeing. The jannie did not see me either. So I had done it, that was me. I went away way down the road to the railway station but no to go home because my da was there, so I just kept walking and along and down to the river and waited for the ferry. It was great seeing it come and just going over, and all the boats. Then up a river-street and going to my grannie's. I told her a fib, Oh we do not have to go till tomorrow.

My grannie smiled, she liked to see me. She sat down and was talking.

I was thinking about boasters, how people are boasters. Who was not one. Even yer grannie. She was saying about her family and how they were good people and high-up with high educations and how they all done their studies. She did not say it before. Now she did. How come? Her family did not want granda, only her. Oh you are too good for Lawrence McGuigan, he is just a working man.

She had a fiance before granda and he went away. He was her first intended. They all wanted her to marry him but he went to New Zealand to make his fortune. So he did not come back. I was glad. Who wanted him? No me, I hoped his boat sank. I was seeing my grannie when she was saying it. Her eyes were just looking, no at me. Then I saw granda. He was there too. He was. And smiling. Oh son is that her talking about me?

Aye granda.

People that were dead had ghosts. Ones that were not long dead especially, their body was still warm. Granda's was still warm. He could even be in it if he was a ghost.