James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

But she did not poke them with her stick. And she did not poke Matt. Oh she pokes me, I said.

It is just your face, said Matt.

Well you are her favourite.

Oh shut up.

Well she likes you the best.

She did like him the best. I did not care. I did not like her. I said to my big cousins about our other grannie that stayed in Glasgow. But she was not their grannie. They had their own one and she lived in Fife. She could not walk and was in a chair. They had all uncles and aunties living there, and a lot of cousins that were boys. I wanted to see them. Mattie said, Oh they are not your cousins.

Well if we just visited them.

But it is not our family.

But if they did not have any cousins that were boys maybe they would want us. If we just visited them. I would visit them. It would be great. Ye would just get the train. What was their name? I did not know their name. Even just ye were pals. We could go their pals. Maybe they did not have pals.

I would have loved cousins, and if they were in Glasgow. People in my class had all cousins, and some were best fighters and ye could just say Oh he is my cousin, so then he would stick up for ye if ye were having a fight.

Uncle Billy and Auntie May did not have children. That would have been our cousins. We only had cousins off my da. He was my big cousins' uncle. They liked him. Uncle Johnnie, that was my da.

They had their maw, my Auntie Maureen, she was his sister. Our grannie was the same, Grannie Petrie Smith. They had to call her that as well. My big cousins were talking about it then they went away. Matt was away too. I was looking for him out the back and front. Weer lasses were playing skipping ropes. I just was watching then came in the house. I needed the lawy but the lawy door was locked. Grannie Petrie Smith was in. I heard the coughing and knew it was her so I went ben the parlour. My maw and da were there but, I heard them outside the door. My maw talked funny, and a quiet voice. Oh but my da was just angry and ye could hear it oh and angry to my maw. Then he looked and saw me. Oh what are you doing? Are you listening behind doors? What are you doing? What — Are — You — Doing?

My stomach was just sore and I was rubbing it. But he just reached and skelped me on the leg and I fell down and he waited for me to get up and he skelped me on the b*m.

Oh so you are listening to people's conversations. You wee sneak. Away out and play.

I was greeting. Oh but da I need the toilet I need the toilet.

You are just a wee sneak.

Oh Johnnie, my maw said, do not call him a sneak.

Well he is one, listening to people's conversations. If I catch him doing it again I will give him a good skelp.

So I was greeting. Oh but I was not doing nothing, I was not listening behind doors. I was just needing the lavatory and I was bursting for it.

Oh away out my sight.

I heard the plug getting pulled and Grannie Petrie Smith coming out. I did not want her to see me and just ran out. I hated that house and she was not a real grannie. I went away out and in the back garden and I just stayed in it. Then the wee bushes were there and I saw them. I creeped over and lied down on my side just lying along, and I done the lawy there on the dirt oh and the pee was on the dirt and coming closer and closer but I was still peeing and some pee went on my leg. It was just the worst. My clothes were dirty and my maw saw them. I went away out the road and just walked about. They did not know where I was and were waiting to go home on the train. My da was just looking at me.

My maw said it in a low voice, Oh Kieron hurry up, where were ye?

I gret. How come? I just started, it was horrible, them all there, my big cousins as well, just looking.

***

Big boys could be bullies and not just if it was brothers. A boy in my street got doings off people and he did not have a brother. He was the same age as me but just wee. Big boys punched him and it was not fair. One time a dog bit him. A boy set it on him. Boys done that. They shouted to their dog Get him boy, and the dog would chase him, or you if it was you.

They flung stones at that wee boy and it was not fair because he had nobody to stick up for him. A big bully hit him with a plank of wood and just laughed. I saw him. The wee boy was greeting and the snotters were coming out his nose. I was thinking if we could get the big bully, maybe we could. We could put him in a sack. Oh and just fling it in the midgie and when the midgie-men came they would take him away, they would put him in the dumps and all the seagulls would come and peck him. I said it to the wee boy that was getting hit, Oh if we grow up, we will just get them and give them a doing.

If I was a big brother I would have stopped that bully. I hated all the bullies. Big brothers were the worst. I just was wanting to hit them, just fight them and oh it was just maybe hitting them.

It was just all the big boys, if we could fight them. We said we were going to and went and got all the wee boys and I went to my grannie's street and up for Terry out my class. Come on out, we are going to fight the big boys.

Terry came. So then we went the next street to get our pal Ian and coming back Michael Lang was there with his pals, Catholics. I saw their faces but did not know them. Oh we will come with ye.

And we all were just laughing and oh just laughing, it just was good. We all came down the street and were picking up good stones. We took them out the back and planked them. Somebody said it to the big boys, if we were going to fight them.

Oh but they were not going to fight us, and they were laughing. Oh away ye go, wee lasses.

I made hatchets and two big big ones ye could swing. Ye just needed long sticks to make them and it was two hands to hold them. Big boys could not get close-in if they were trying to get ye.

We had our hatchets and stones all ready out the back and were waiting. But the big boys did not come, they were out the front kicking a ball about. So we just went to start it. We got their ball and kicked it away down the road. Oh what was that for, cheeky wee b*****ds.

So we flung stones at them so then they got angry and were just, Oh we will f*****g batter yez, you wee c**ts.

They chased us through the back close and over to the midgie but they were coming too fast and we were just getting chased everyplace. A big boy chased me but I just was able to lift a big hatchet to hit him but it did not work good. He chased me into the midgie but oh the head fell off the hatchet so it was only the stick left. I climbed up the midgie roof to jump up on the dyke but the big boy was catching my feet so I jumped away and there was a good boulder there and I flung it at him and then stepping back because if he was going to get me, but stepping into nothing and straight off the roof and landing smack into the ground crack my head. The big boy was shouting he was going to get me, oh get me oh and his eye was all bleeding, I saw it all and his face all oh looking at me but I was just could not get up oh and my head I could not get up, I was to get up. I could not.

The big boy was there and I was seeing out at him, then up to the sky. Nobody was there. Then voices were there. It was just the sky and if my maw got me and if my da, if she told him, when he came home, he would just get me, he would just oh if he did, he just would.

I was sleeping.

Then there he was, my da, oh it was him, he was not at sea but home on leave.

A boy told Mattie and Mattie told my da and here he was. He kneeled down on the ground to lift me up and carry me, he carried me across the back and up the stair. He was talking to me. Oh Kieron ye are going to be alright, ye will be alright, do not worry do not cry, and other things, I do not know what.

We were in the house. My brother was there. My da was angry at him and then to me, Oh but you are a silly wee fool, oh if ye do not look out, broken noses and oh silly wee fool if you are climbing up on that midden do not ever climb up on that ever again, just never ever ever do it oh if ever I catch you oh it will be so much the worse.