James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

It sounded funny, I heard it in my head how she said it. Oh Kieron. Maybe I was another boy.

***

I was going to sleep and I was awake and just a wee voice. Oh it was Mattie talking. I turned over to see but it was all dark. Oh if we are all on trial and getting tested for true valour, maybe if it is God but maybe no, maybe just intelligences, if they are intelligences. And if ye pass the test for true valour ye will come hither, oh we beseech ye. They would bring ye if it was sure and steadfast and if it was you and ye were worthy, Oh come hither if we beseech ye.

It was Matt and he was saying about it. It was his voice. Sometimes he said stuff and it was in bed. If he talked to me that was when. Maybe if it was books out the library. So if it was intelligences away in outer space and they came down here and if ye passed yer tests something good would happen and ye would get a prize. If it was in the Lifeboys, ye got the lanyard and the white cover for yer hat, how ye did good behaviour. Matt got it. He was in the Lifeboys. There was all games ye played and he telled me about them and if they went places for picnics and then on adventures that were just like yer travels but they were just better and ye could go on boats, just like canoes the Indians had. It was just adventures and ye went down rocks and canyons. I would get going too.

Ye were on trial and getting tested. If ye had true valour and were sure and steadfast. If ye did ye got whisked away to a far-off planet. That was yer real home so that was where ye went. And ye maybe were a Prince in yer own country and ye were to get the throne so you would be King.

So ye were a Prince, that was what ye were. It was the same as Bonnie Prince Charlie who was a RC. We got him at school. I liked him but Mattie said how he was a Pape. The kilties too. They were all Papes. So that was them, if ye were going to fight with them, they were all Fenian bees. That was what Mattie called them. So away and fight for them, if ye wanted to be a Pape, well same with them, and William Wallace too, if ye thought he was a Proddy he was not, he was a Pape. So if he was he was Irish. The Irish were true Papes. So it was the English, that was who ye were if ye were Scottish, that was what Mattie said, ye were just a true Protestant and it was the Redcoats ye liked, if it was true Protestants, ye must be for England. RCs were for Ireland. So if I liked Bonnie Prince Charlie and the kilties then if I was a Pape, I must be one, if I was Irish. I did not care. And if I was a Prince. Maybe I was. I did not care. And if really I was a Pape, or if it was a RC I did not care.

The teacher was reading us a story. She read us it before the bell rang every afternoon. It was about a boy and a lassie and they were adopted and how it was not happy times for them with a wicked stepfather but then their auntie sent for them and they went on a cruiser ship and went to Italy. That was where the auntie lived and she had a house beside a lake and rooms each. The boy had one away up the stairs in the highest place, there was no place higher except Heaven and it was his own wee place and ye could just look out the window and away way down ye saw the big lake with trees and bushes and oh a wee rowing boat ye could go on and just do the oars swoosh swoosh, swoosh, and ye just glided and it was over to the wee island and then just a wee Chapel, and the teacher was showing us pictures and that was what we saw, it was a real Chapel and a Priest was there, Oh my son you have come home.

So if they were Papes. They were. That was their home for the boy and girl and they did not know. So I could be one too. If really I was one. Maybe I was. I just did not know because they had not told me. My maw and my da got me as a Protestant and put me as a Protestant but all the time if I was not one, if I was a real Catholic. Kieron was for Catholics. People said it. I did not care. I would just do all the stuff. If it all was horrible, I did not care.

Oh Kieron is a Pape's name. They said that. Oh ye do not get.

Proddies called Kieron. So if it is Irish, you must be Irish. Oh you are a Pape.

Well so I did not care. If it was my maw called me Kieron. I told her what people said. She said not to be daft and that was the end of it. But I asked Mattie and he said I was a Pape, that was what he said, Oh you are a Pape. So then we were fighting but he was just kidding and laughing, and would not fight he would not fight, he was just laughing oh I would kill him I would just kill him if he was laughing at me. I did not want him, if he was a brother, I could get another one, so if he was a RC, I did not care. So if he was my brother. Well, I did not care.

I asked my granda. If I was not a Pape how come I had a Pape's name, it is a Pape's name. So my granda said, It is not a Pape's name.

But if it is to do with Catholics?

Do not be so daft son.

It was not daft. It was not daft. And it was not fair granda saying that. If it was to do with Papes how come they called me it? How come? Except maybe if I was one. I was not daft.

Oh it is nothing to do with Papes, just a name yer mammy wanted to call ye, maybe it is a filmstar or something, ask yer grannie.

My grannie just looked at me. That was what she done, and she breathed deep so ye knew ye were not to say it, what ye were going to say, it was just something and she did not want to hear it.

Only from school, my grannie liked it if I telled her stuff that was funny, if lasses were there and playing with us and if things were funny, Oh he pulled her hair and she slapped him on the gub.

Slapped him on the gub! And my grannie would be laughing, Ohh hoh hoh hoh, and my granda too, just laughing, and if I told them more stuff and just made them laugh. Oh the boy is a comic.

But Kieron was not a good-sounding name. Some names were. They were hero-names. Johnnie or Luke or else Jimmy or Danny and a boy was Mac. If ye were Mac ye would be a best fighter. Oh there is Mac, and ye would not be scared of nobody, if they wanted to fight ye, well, you would just fight them. That was Mac.

***

My da was home on leave and if I stayed out late it was smacks on the b*m and skelps on the head. His hand skliffed up the back of yer head and it was sore. And if it was a right thump and ye went flying.

We were telling creepy stories on the first steps in the close. The light was on but it was quite dark and shadows were there and if ye had to go out the back close to get something oh mammy nobody wanted to. Lasses were there too. The one beside me was Elizabeth Dunlop and if ye saw her eyes looking at ye. Oh what is Kieron saying? She was just listening and her eyes just looking at ye, Oh what is he saying.

Ohhh ohhh they are coming to get ye mammy daddy mammy daddy, and all just laughing.

Oh but if ye were shivering too because what ye were saying and it was creepy so ye were feared to go out, no just the lasses, and it was time to go home, somebody was shouting. Oh Kieron it is you.

Oh if it was yer da. Time for bed and it was doings if ye did not. Whose close was it? Maybe it was away along the street and ye just had to go and oh there was the Chapel too and if a Nun was there and looking at ye oh and the gate was open and what if the door was open and ye got dragged through and it was just all everything there oh it was just even if it was devil monsters. Mattie said about them. And if it was time to go home and it was out the back close ye were going and it was all dark and just the darkest and that was where they were hiding in all the shadow bits oh and the midgie there and in the corners, black hoods over their heads, and getting ye and all just creepy with bones pulling ye and not skin, just all stringy and gripping ye tight and just pulling ye away away.

I ran round the front and just ran ran ran and then into my close but ye were going up the stairs and round the landing and oh if a bad man was there ye thought he might be and him dragging ye down and down into the ground oh and it would be out at the midgie too if there was rats there, that was where they went and ye heard if they were squeaking, squeeeeeeek, oh mammy rats could bite ye and if they chased ye ye just ran ran ran and ye were up the stair and nobody could get ye.