James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

Never mind if he is a big boy son ye just box him, boof boof boof. Ye box the mitts off him, that is what ye do. Now hold up yer hands.

Aye but granda if he is kicking ye?

Oh that is a dirty fighter, that is a cheat, cheats never win. That man getting kicked was not fighting, just the other one was kicking him. It was not a fair fight.

But I was thinking about that. If my maw said, Oh do not fight, you must not fight.

So if the man is fighting you, so you must fight him. If a boy was hitting ye, ye hit him back. My maw said, Oh ye must not fight.

Oh but if a boy hits ye, and just ye are shouting at him and he is punching ye and yer hands are up in the air to stop him. So if yer hands hit him, so ye are hitting him, ye are fighting him. So what if that?

Oh stop it Kieron.

But if they are hitting you you must hit them back. Granda would say it and so would my da, if he was there, and my Uncle Billy, if it was them and they were fighting.

***

What if it was yer da and ye saw it was him? He was fighting the man. So everybody was watching. Then you came and saw, Oh it is a fight. And ye saw who it was, Oh and it was yer da. And boys were looking at ye. They knew. Were ye going to fight them? If it was yer da and he was getting a real doing, oh and a kicking, a real kicking. And b**ls, if people said that. My da would never say that. I knew he would not. But maybe Uncle Billy would say it. I heard him saying bad words to his pals. He came back from England and took me and Mattie to the park to see the model yachts. His pals were there and all were talking. F*****g and b*****ds. Oh the boys will have to f*****g beat these b*****ds.

Me and Mattie were listening. If it was the Rangers and playing at football it was a hard game. So then Uncle Billy said it and it was oh the worst bad words. And it was in yer head if he did say it. I did not say it in my head. I tried to and it was only foakoan baaa stids.

I was looking at Mattie but he kidded on Uncle Billy never said it, if I thought he did, he did not, he did not say nothing and it was just nothing.

Then if it was a man greeting? If that man was greeting in the fight. I thought he was. My da would never be greeting. And Uncle Billy, he would not be either. And if he was getting a kicking, if like a real doing, I would help him. I would. I would just jump on the man's back or else fling stones at him. If I had hatchets, boys were making hatchets to hit people and they hit them on the head and split it wide open. So I would do that. Or if it was a dog. Boys had dogs and ye set them on people. That was what I was wanting was a dog, oh a dog if I could just get a dog. People got dogs. Wee puppies. I said to my maw if I could get one. Oh there will be no dogs in this house.

How no?

Because they are dirty.

Oh but if they are clean? Dogs went in the pond. They swam about and then came out and shaked the water, so that was clean, it was not dirty.

My maw did not like dogs. And cats. Oh they are just pests. And where have they been if they climb on the table? Their feet are not clean, just horrible and filfy. They put their paws in dirt.

But they cannot help it, if they had shoes.

My maw did not like pets. A big boy called Derek had a dog and let me clap it. Its hair was long and it was stuck together. But it was hard when ye clapped it and was just looking at ye, what were ye doing, if ye were doing something to it oh mammy it was just maybe if it would bite ye. Dogs would bite ye. If it was your dog and ye said it, Go boy, bite him.

I wanted a dog so if people were going to hit ye or yer da or yer uncle they would soon find out. And ye would never be feared. Never ever. Ye just set it on them, Go boy, bite them. Then if it was Papes and they were chasing ye. So ye just got yer dog. I would take mine to school and show my pals. Ye would just tell it to sit, or else roll over, or if ye threw a ball for it to catch and just said, Stay, stay!

***

Me and a boy were looking at our w****es in the back close and his maw came up the stair and caught us. Oh yous will go to Hell. She shouted at me, Oh you dirty dirty boy, you dirty little pig, and got my arm and twisted it a wee bit. The other boy was shouting. No mammy no mammy no mammy.

She skelped him and took him up the stair and locked him in the house and took me straight round to mine's. I was trying to push her hand away, she was holding me tight. Oh you dirty wee pig, that is what you are, just a dirty wee pig.

My maw was home. She would give me a doing. I was greeting. The woman took me straight up the stair and gived me in to my maw and said things to her dirty and bad words and my maw grabbed me and hit me and was the worst angry she had ever been and a brush was there and she got it and was hitting me with it, hitting my head and my ears and the brush hit my nose and hit my cheeks. Oh when your father comes home! Oh just the worst doing ever you will get my boy!

She was shouting all things at me and shaking me too and when she hit me the brush bounced off my head. It broke, it fell out her hand. Oh my wrist!

She went to pick it up and was pulling me and my head banged into the table, then I was on the floor. It was the worst doing. Then I was in bed. I was not sleeping. It was not nighttime. People were out playing, I heard them shouting. My maw came into the room and was looking at me. I was turned into the wall. She was just there. I knew she was because her breathing, I knew how it sounded. My throat was sore because I was greeting. I just did not care about her, if she was going to hit me or what, I did not care about her. She went away.

My big brother came to bed. It was nighttime. He went onto his side away from me. He knew I was awake. Kieron, what did mum give ye the doing for? Were ye doing dirty things? Eh, Kieron, what did ye do?

But I did not speak to him. I did not turn round. I did not care about him asking me. I was not going to speak to him and not anybody in my house. I did not care about them. Not in that house. It was just the worst house. I hated it, it was just a horrible house and I wanted to go to another one, I had to go to it. If my grannie could take me. Her and granda would like me, if I could go there and just stay with them.

People had better houses. My grannie's house was so much better. Ye could just sit down. My granda read the paper and grannie was doing things and if I had a book I just read it or else sat at the fire and looked into it, the coals burning and ye saw all the caves and ye could imagine how if it was not hot and ye were wee and ye could go inside it and get inside the caves, and the white flaky ash, watching when it fell. Ye could just sit and look into it and it was great. Except Mattie came.

I was there and it was great and then a flap at the letterbox and it was him, I knew it was. I did not want him to come and did not open the door when my grannie told me. I did not like him coming, just when I was there myself. My grannie opened it for him. He came in and looked at me. He wanted me to go away. Sometimes I did sometimes I did not. If he told me something, I did not care. I did not like Matt. Other big boys were better, I liked some, and they were good.

If I could go away, I just wanted to. Children ran away, I was going to. I felt sorry for my maw, she was not a good hitter, even with the brush giving me the doing, her hand got it twisted and she hurted her wrist. She had her troubles. Grannie said that, I heard her and how she got all bad moods with my da at sea and how about wages, it was a worry about that, she was worrying oh if he was not sending anything home, my da. My grannie gived her money. She went in her purse and gived it. I was watching. Oh what are you looking at? My maw got grumpy at me. Then if it was my name and she said it, Oh Kieron.