James Kelman - A Chancer

He laid down the pints and glanced at Billy: Thanks for telling every cunt in Glasgow.

Billy laughed.

Is that how you’ve stopped coming in? cried Roper. You’ve been feart to show your face!

Show his feet’s more like it! The postman laughed and leaned over the table to see down at them. Are they recuperating?

Fucking patter! said Tammas. He rubbed his hands as he sat down on a spare chair.

Aye! Auld Roper pursed his lips and shook his head, he raised his half pint of lager and muttered, The copper works — no an easy job eh!

The postman nodded. I’ve heard that myself.

Billy grinned.

Then McCann was tapping the edge of the table and saying, Are we supposed to be playing fucking dominoes here!

Hh! Roper shook his head: Listen to moaning face.

Aye well I’ve fucking forgotten who’s turn it is there’s been that much fucking yapping!

Me it is. . The postman leaned to study the dominoes already lying on the board.

Tammas swallowed a mouthful of beer and sat back on his chair; he glanced at McCann and lifted his beer again, and he said, How’s it going Brian?

Ah no bad Tammas no bad — yourself?

Aye, okay.

Nice wee turn you had the other week.

Aye.

And kept out of every cunt’s road till he’d spent the money! grunted Auld Roper to the postman.

Ah well you couldnt blame him for that, replied McCann. No with a bunch of begging bastards like you going about!

Hh! Will you listen to who’s talking! Ya cunt ye McCann the next time you buy anybody a drink’ll be the first time. Eh? The elderly man glanced round the table at the others.

Billy grinned: This is getting serious.

You shut up and all, muttered Roper, taking days off your work when half the country cant fucking get any! Eh Freddie? The postman shook his head. Keep me out it, I’m neutral.

Neutral! Hh! Roper reached for his half pint of lager and sipped from it.

After a moment McCann asked, Who’s to fucking go?

Me, said Freddie.

Aw you’re chapping ya cunt give us peace!

How d’you know?

Cause I fucking looked at your hand.

Aw, okay.

Auld Roper sighed and tapped his fingers on the edge of the table Going to get this fucking game moving eh! my rent’s bloody due next week.

Tammas had grinned; he pushed back his chair and stood up swallowing down most of the remainder of his beer. What yous wanting? he asked.

Pardon?

What did he say?

Heh McCann. . Auld Roper frowned: Did you hear that nice boy speaking there? I’m no sure if my ears were open or what?

Ears ya cunt? McCann cried: You’ve got fucking ears like Dumbo the elephant.

Auld Roper burst out laughing. Eventually he had to reach into his coat pocket and extract a big handkerchief and use it to wipe his eyes and blow his nose. The others, including McCann, were also laughing and some of the folk at other tables were looking across and smiling.

Okay then, said Tammas, last orders!

Last orders! The postman grinned.

Once he had got their orders he went to the bar and was joined soon after by Billy who was returning from the lavatory; the two of them carried the drinks back to the table. McCann had been shuffling the dominoes for a new game. And he said, Yous two playing?

Aye. . take some money off yous! Tammas smiled.

Ho! Listen to the boy! Auld Roper shook his head as he reached to pick up his dominoes.

And the game began. When they had been playing a couple of rounds the postman glanced up from the dominoes he was holding and he said to Roper: Heh auld yin, d’you mind of a horse by the name of Hotfoot? Nightingall used to train it.

I mind of the horse, aye, but Nightingall wasnt the trainer.

He was.

He wasnt.

Aye he was. Dunky Keith used to ride it and all.

He never! Geoff Lewis rode it. And Ian Balding fucking trained it.

Tch. . The postman shook his head and he sighed and looked at McCann: D’you mind of it Brian?

Nah do I fuck — I’m no an auld cunt like yous.

Hh, cheeky bastard. . Who’s to go?

You, said Tammas.

Chapping.

We all fucking knew you were chapping! Billy laughed and leaned to play his own domino.

Tammas was next and then McCann. Auld Roper followed, playing his last domino with a flourish. And he chuckled and reached for the empty domino box, upturned it for the five 10 pence coins. Contributions gratefully accepted, he said, contributions gratefully accepted.

Billy grinned. At this rate you’ll be able to buy a round auld yin!

Roper gaped at him, stuck the money into an interior pocket; he peered round at the others and said Who’s got the fags then? Eh McCann — still keeping them under lock and key!

Shut up ya pokling bastard.

Pokling bastard! That’s the last thing I need to do to beat you son!

The postman laughed; he was unwrapping a fresh cigarette packet and he offered them about. Anybody got a light? he said.

Damascus is over there! cried Roper, gesturing over his shoulder.

Aye well I wish you’d catch a fucking train and go! McCann muttered.

I’d go in a fucking minute if I could get away from you! And anyhow McCann. . I thought you and Hotfoot were catching a train up to fucking Peterhead to give us all a rest down here? Eh Billy? Auld Roper winked at him.

Billy smiled.

McCann sniffed and glanced sideways at Tammas, and jerked his finger at the elderly man: Listen to fucking Dumbo!

Naw but I thought you said you were.

What’s it got to do with you?

What’s it got to do with me? I’ll fucking tell you what it’s got to do with me. . Roper lifted his half pint glass of lager and sipped at it, then he put it down and wiped his mouth with the cuff of his overcoat sleeve. I’ll fucking tell you what it’s got to do with me, it means I’ll have to look for a new fucking mate at dominoes!

The postman winked at Billy: This is getting serious eh!

Naw, said Billy, it doesnt get serious till one of them starts buying a fucking round!

The postman laughed.

Auld Roper raised his eyebrows and he glanced at McCann: Eh? did you hear the boy there?

No respect for his elders.

Exactly what I was thinking. That’s this fucking younger generation for you. That’s what happens when you start drawing a pension — every cunt’s out to stick the boot in. Fucking sad so it is.

Aye, said McCann, and I dont see him rushing to buy a drink either!

After a moment Billy replied, I’m skint but.

Well so are we.

Hotfoot’s no, grunted Roper.

I’ll tell you something, said Tammas, this Hotfoot patter’s beginning to annoy me.

O o. Billy glanced at the postman. Now it’s getting serious.

Aye well no fucking wonder, said Tammas. He stood up and swallowed down the last of his beer.

The postman looked up at him: Ah come on son it’s just a bit of fun.

I know it’s a bit of fun but I’m just fucking sick of it. Then he smiled, Plus it’s costing me a whole round every time I want a pint!

Ah well I was just about to buy you one back I mean I’m no fucking. . the postman shrugged. I was going to get you one back son.

Naw I know Freddie, sorry. . I’m no meaning anything. Naw, I just want to go take a walk down the betting shop. Tammas sniffed and glanced at Billy: You coming man?

Eh aye. . Billy had hesitated but now was reaching for his pint and drinking a large mouthful in a gulp, and standing up, taking his jerkin from the back of the chair.

McCann shifted on his seat, and he stared up at Tammas: If I’d had enough fucking money I’d have bought you a drink back as well, dont worry about that.

Tammas nodded. I know.

Aye well dont fucking start that with me then.

Start what? I’m no starting anything.