James Kelman - A Chancer

The first of the three runners was going in the 1.30 at Wolverhampton, a race for 4 year old novice hurdlers. He moved to a different wall to have a look at the formpage here, it was from the Express and did not give the actual form, only what the tipster had to say about it. But Tammas knew its form inside out anyway and the main thing was that it would win or it would lose. Or it could be placed. There were eight runners and its price was forecast at 6/1. 6/1 represented good each way value. Maybe the best thing was to stick the whole score down as a tenner each way, the safety first bet — and even if it finished third he would still be a winner, he would still be receiving cash in exchange for the betting receipt. Although there again, if he backed it each way the only certainty was that it would finish fourth. Or else win maybe. He was probably best just sticking the lot on as a win. But that was daft because it was not a nap. He did not fancy it as strongly as all that. And yet either it would win or it would lose and even if it did lose he still had £44 in the bank. Which was not a lot. But it had come from nothing and it was a mistake even thinking like that. £44 was fine. Plus he still had the twenty in his pocket. And he was backing three horses. Win lose or draw. He fancied three, and two better than one; and he would back these two as singles as well as in the doubles and treble. And even if they all lost he would still have a few quid in the bank. Although probably he would have the one winner, the one he had not backed singly. But it was not possible to do everything. You had to make your selection and stick to it. There was nothing else you could do. There was nothing else, nothing at all. A mistake to even think like that.

A show of betting came through on the speaker and he turned to watch the boardman mark up the prices. Then the door opened and in came Billy. He stood for a moment before spotting Tammas, then he stepped back a yard and pointed his finger at him, and strode across with his right arm aloft, and slapped him on the shoulder: Ya sneaky bastard ye where’ve you been hiding!

Tammas laughed loudly.

Naw but where the fuck have you been?

Ah skint man, skint — keeping out the road! Hey what’s up you’re no at work.

I chucked it! Honest, I backed a winner and handed in my notice!

Ha ha, said Tammas.

Billy laughed and slapped him on the shoulder again. Hey, by the way, they’re still talking about it in there! Naw — no kidding ye man — they are! They’re fucking wanting me to get your autograph!

Tammas laughed.

Ya cunt ye how did you no wait for me that day? Or else come up and take me out for a pint later on! Eh? Fucking terrible man!

Ah sorry.

Naw no kidding but I mean fuck sake — two hundred quid man and you dont even take your mate for a bevy! I’ve been sitting in the house for a fortnight!

You’re right man sorry, I should’ve.

Fucking think so too! And Christ sake you’re no telling me you’re skint? Fucking two hundred quid!

Sssh. . dont tell every cunt.

Okay. Okay. Billy grinned and went on: So what’re you taking me for a pint or what?

You taking me for one?

Christ — Tammas, you’ve no lost it all back already, eh?

Tammas looked at him. Then he smiled: Come on ya bastard! He took his cigarettes out as he walked to the door and he handed one to him and struck the match. When they were both smoking Billy said, You putting a line on?

Eh naw, I’m no going to bother. Bad race for betting. What about you?

Ah fucking skint man. Serious, I just looked in to see if anybody was here.

Hh! And you found me ya cunt!

Billy laughed and pulled open the door, standing aside to let Tammas exit first. And out on the pavement Tammas started walking in the direction opposite where Simpson’s lay. I’m fucking sick of Simpson’s , he said.

Ach come on! Billy smiled. We’ll get a game of doms. Auld Roper’s in — I saw him fucking limping along ten minutes ago. And McCann’ll be there as well.

Nah I dont fancy it man.

Ye kidding? What’s up?

Fuck all up.

Well come on then!

Look Billy it’s me that’s fucking buying the drink. . Tammas shook his head and turned away, inhaling on the cigarette.

Billy sniffed. He stepped to the edge of the pavement and spat into the gutter. He returned the cigarette to his mouth and put his hands in his jeans’ pockets. Going to tell me something, he said, is this to do with McCann?

McCann?

Is that how you dont want to go into Simpson’s ?

Naw, fuck. Naw.

You sure?

Aye Christ — how?

Cause he thinks you’re fucking avoiding him.

What?

Aye I’m no fucking kidding ye man, every time I bump into him, he’s wanting to know if I’ve seen you!

If you’ve seen me?

Aye.

Hh, Christ sake.

Billy dragged on the cigarette and asked, Is it cause of Peterhead?

Peterhead. What d’you mean?

Billy shrugged. I dont know. Just cause you never went. .

Never went! Fuck sake Billy it was me waiting for him, no the other way about. That’s how I ended up taking the start in your auld man’s place. Christ, I was getting sick of fucking hanging around.

Aw thanks!

Naw, sorry man nothing against the job or fuck all.

Billy smiled.

Naw, honest Christ I would’ve stuck it I mean. . Tammas shrugged. It was just cause, ach, I dont know Billy I’m just getting fucking sick of factories, getting stuck inside all day. That’s how Christ, Peterhead and that man I really fancy it — I do. . Tammas had been about to add something but he stopped and moved out the way of a man who was hurrying into the betting shop. And he glanced along the road. Naw, he said, it’s me that fucking wants to go but he keeps saying it’s too soon.

Aye well maybe that’s what it’s about then, maybe it’s time now.

Tammas nodded.

I mean he’s saying he doesnt even see you at the broo whereas yous used to always go the gether.

Hh! Fuck sake. Tammas shook his head: I’m no even getting broo money.

Aye but you’re signing on.

Aye, Christ but I’m no getting fuck all cause of that six week rule about chucking your job.

Aye fair enough but I mean. . Billy shrugged.

I’m no even getting social security money.

Hh; how no?

Dont know man — it’s just no coming through or something.

Mm. Billy nodded. He glanced sideways and sniffed. Where d’you fancy going then? The Inn ?

Nah.

Where?

Tammas shrugged. I’m no bothered. If you really want to go to Simpson’s then we’ll fucking go to Simpson’s .

Well I’m no desperate.

Naw but if you want to go we’ll go.

It’s alright.

You sure?

Billy shrugged. It’s your fucking cash.

We’ll go.

I’m no bothering but, honest.

I’m no bothering either. Tammas shrugged. It was just a change; I just felt like a change.

Aye fair enough. Billy stepped aside as another guy came rushing up and into the betting shop, and as the door banged open and shut the voice from the extel speaker was quite audible; the runners for the 1.30 race were coming under orders.

Come on, muttered Tammas, I dont want to hear this commentary.

Billy smiled.

•••

McCann was in. He was sitting at one of the rear tables, not far from the darts’ area. Auld Roper was beside him; also a postman by the name of Freddie; and the three of them were playing dominoes. Tammas paused at the head of the bar to order the drinks but Billy continued on.

A moment later came the cry: Hey Hotfoot!

Tammas ignored it. The cry was repeated. It was Roper who was responsible. And when he arrived at the table with the two pints of heavy the elderly man again cried: Hey Hotfoot!