James Kelman - A Chancer

Well that’s what I heard.

You’re thinking of Australia.

Billy shrugged. Same thing.

Naw it’s fucking no man.

Tammas shook his head. Who cares? Forget it.

Forget it? Donnie frowned.

Rab began speaking: My auld man, he was telling me they’ve all got their own basements in their houses and every basement’s got its own wee bar. And that includes gantries and all sorts of bevy, barrels of beer man, the lot.

Fucking hell.

Some of them’ve even got pool tables built in man, fucking saunas and all that.

Tammas was nodding. That’s right, he said, I read about that in a book the other night. Canada it was but.

Canada! Donnie stared at him.

Billy burst out laughing, spluttering half a mouthful of beer across the table.

Donnie frowned at Rab: You trying to take the piss ya cunt?

Who me! No me!

Cause I’m no in a fucking mood to be trifled with man I mean this is my testifuckingmonial, my testifuckingmonial!

Billy whispered: Ssshh. Too loud man.

Too loud! My last night! Donnie glanced at Tammas and grinned. What’s up with that cunt! I cant even get talking loud on my last night man, eh?

Disgrace!

What time is it? said John.

Time! Donnie frowned: Aye, right enough. . And he swivelled on his seat, signalled to a waitress. But either she did not hear him or else she was ignoring him. He called: Hey Miss. .

You’re too late. . Billy gestured at a wall clock: It’s away past time.

What?

Five past eleven.

These pub clocks are always fucking bammy but.

Rab pointed at his wristwatch: This isnt.

Here, said Tammas, lifting a three-quarters full pint of lager from the middle of the table.

John had started up from his seat. That’s mine Tammas!

Ah John, surely you’re no going to grudge it to the boy on his testimonial?

Naw, course I’m no! John sat back down: Welcome. . you’re welcome.

I really appreciate that, replied Donnie. He stared at the pint and then began to drink it all in a go. When he had finished he burped loudly. We better be getting a move on anyway, he added. That auld man of mine’s got a couple of his cronies coming up. So’s the young sister ya dirty bastards any nonsense and yous’re out the door!

The other four roared.

I’m warning yous! Donnie placed both hands on the edge of the table and he cried: And another thing, the maw’s cooking a big feed. Know what like she is and all that, a couple of pots of mince and tatties or something so yous better be ready! And spewing in the lavvy’s barred!

Donnie Donnie Donnie. . Tammas reached across the table to shake hands with him.

Donnie laughed and he shook hands with each one of them. Then the waitress had appeared and was lifting all the empty glasses onto her tray. Well after time boys, she said.

Sorry Miss.

Sorry.

When she had gone Rab muttered, It’s fucking out of order but — spent a fortune in here so we have.

Donnie nodded. One question and one question only: would it have happened in Simpson’s ?

You’re fucking right, muttered Billy.

At least we’re entitled to sit, said John. I mean we are, we’re at least fucking entitled to sit!

Tammas nodded. John’s right, we’re entitled.

Fucking right we are.

Aye, we’re entitled. Tammas folded his arms and sat back on his seat.

Aye. Rab was smiling. We definitely are fucking entitled. The boy’s quite right.

He is that, said Tammas. Hey John — you’re entitled.

Billy and Donnie were laughing.

Tammas glanced at Rab: Dont know what they’re laughing about when the boy’s entitled!

Aye but are you sure he’s entitled?

Course he is. Hey John, sure you’re entitled?

Fuck off.

Ah leave him alone! cried Donnie. He’s just gave me his last pint!

Rab shouted: Keep the fucking glass for a souvenir!

TIME GENTLEMEN PLEASE.

Listen to the bent shot! said Donnie, glaring in the direction of the bar.

Still and all. . Billy raised his pint glass to his mouth: We’re about the last yins here. Better drink up.

Rab reached for his but Tammas passed what was left of his over to Donnie and said: Seeing you’re no everybody!

That goes for me too, said Rab and he poured his into the other glass.

Thanks lads. Donnie lifted the near full pint and he gazed at it, and he rose to his feet. Watch closely! Tilting his head back he swallowed the beer in a oner; he wiped his mouth with the cuff of his sleeve and then burped and added, I hope yous mob are taking notes.

Billy laughed. No bother to the Donnie fellow!

I wish to make a speech!

No wonder! said Tammas.

John started to applaud and the other three joined him in it.

Donnie grinned. Thank you friends it’s highly appreciated. I have got to say that in all my years kicking a ball about this is the first fucking testimonial I’ve had and I can tell you I’d just like to say how pleased I am.

Hurrehhh.

Hurrehhh.

Three cheers for the boy!

On you go the Donnie fellow!

The Donnie fellow’s a dancer!

Hip hip!

HHUURREEHH.

Right yous: The barman had arrived at the table. That’ll do, he said, or the polis’ll be in here in a minute. And you dont want to end up getting huckled now eh?

Give us a kiss, said Donnie.

A silence followed. John spoke first. He said to the barman: Do you know how much we’ve spent in here the night!

What did he say there? The barman was staring at Donnie.

Nothing.

He didnt say anything, replied Billy.

Give us a kiss, said Rab.

Aw naw. .

Right then! cried the barman and he turned and strode towards the door that separated the lounge bar from the public bar.

After a pause Donnie said: Watch closely. And pulling back his arm, he took aim with the pint glass and then heaved it against the wall opposite.

One of the waitresses screamed.

Donnie was grabbing for one of the carry-out bags of beer from below the table and racing for the exit. The sound of voices and a door slamming shut. Then the other four were onto their feet and lifting the other carry-out bag and running after him. Out on the pavement they ran to the left side of the building, down a lane of cobbled stones, their footsteps echoing round the high tenement buildings. Donnie was standing at the end of it, waving them on, one arm clutching the carry-out bag against his chest. He roared a laugh and then set off running once more.

•••

It was Margaret, calling him and chapping the door. He turned onto his side, tugging the quilt to his chin. She was telling him tea was ready. Okay, he said. And once she returned along the lobby he got up off the bed. He sat on the edge for several moments, eyelids closed. He yawned and looked about for his socks; they were lying beside his shoes on the floor and he pulled them on. He was already wearing his jeans and a tee shirt. He put on a jersey, glanced at the top of the cupboard; a box of matches lying by itself next to the alarm clock.

In the washroom he doused his face and neck with cold water and grunted while towelling himself dry.

She was dishing out the food onto the three plates when he went ben the kitchen. He sniffed and sighed.

She muttered, Flatterer.

Naw, he said, honest — it smells great.

Tch!

He grinned; and when she had finished he lifted two of the plates, carried them into the front room. The television was on, the volume down low. Robert was reading a paper.

The three of them ate in silence, gazing at the news programme.

Robert made as though to collect in the empty plates afterwards but Tammas was up from the settee immediately. I’ll do it, he said. Smashing dinner Margaret!

It was! grinned Robert.