James Kelman - A Chancer

Hint hint, said Billy.

Aye John come on for fuck sake, muttered Rab.

What d’you mean?

Donnie glanced at him. Dont tell me it’s to be this kind of fucking carry on! Tonight of all nights! My testimonial John — eh, fuck sake!

As far as I knew we were having a kitty.

Aye, said Rab, as soon as you weigh in with your round we’re getting one going.

We still dont have to stay here, said Billy.

Donnie glared at him. We’re no going to fucking start that again. We’re here and we’re staying. I didnt want to come here in the first place but I did, I did, and now I’m going to fucking stay — so sit on your arse.

Tammas grinned. Come on man for Christ sake surely it makes a change from Simpson’s ?

Fuck all wrong with Simpson’s.

We dont want you telling every cunt in New Zealand there’s only one pub in Scotland.

Only one pint by the looks of it!

Aye John for Christ sake!

Come on John!

Aye ya cunt ye get the round up.

Fuck off! replied John but he got up and walked in the direction of the bar.

Billy was looking roundabout and he said: Still and all but Donnie, nice to see a couple of birds once in a while. You must admit.

Admit fuck all! What’s up with auld Mattie? Nice as looking a bird as you’ll see anywhere!

Clatty Mattie! Rab gaped at him. Then he laughed: Hey, we should’ve brought her with us. Go down a bomb in here man — a couple of glass of eldee inside her and she’d be up on top of the bent shot’s bar doing tricks with a guiness bottle.

Aw shut up for fuck sake!

They were still laughing when John returned with the beer balanced on a circular tray which he set down. He began passing out the pints. You’ve no to go the bar for the bevy in future, he said, you’ve to get one of the waitresses. The barman told me.

Aw John, you’re as good as a waitress any day!

I’m just telling you what the guy says. I dont give two fucks what you do!

You tell him, grinned Tammas.

Billy said, It was your fault in the first place Tammas. You were supposed to be keeping notes on who was buying what.

True.

John had sat down on his seat. He swallowed the last of his old pint before saying, Nobody has to take notes about me. I’ll get my round in same as the next man. I’m no one of them. . I’ve got my money and I dont fucking mind spending it! He reached for the new pint and drank from it.

Heh! Billy frowned.

Tammas nodded. The boy’s trying to tell us something.

Quite right and all, said Rab. No wonder the country’s in the state it is with cunts like yous two walking about.

Lazy pair of bastards, said Donnie.

I wasnt fucking meaning that, cried John.

What were you meaning then? asked Tammas.

No that anyway.

Ha ha.

John glared at him: I wasnt, I fucking wasnt.

Billy said: Aye you were ya cunt.

Naw I wasnt.

Tell the truth, said Rab.

What d’you mean fucking. .!

That’s it! yelled Donnie. What is it with yous fucking mob! This is my last night, my last night, my last bastarn fucking night. And I’m no going to sit and fucking listen to this! Either you shut up or I’m going. I’m no kidding ye I’ll be fucking offski.

Quite right too, said Tammas.

Aye. . Rab nodded. It’s that cunt John’s fault.

What d’you mean! Look. .

Look fuck all! cried Donnie.

Towards the end of the evening Donnie had gone to the lavatory. In the middle of the table lay some untouched drinks but none where he was sitting. Rab said, Aye, that’s one thing about the Donnie fellow, he never falls behind with the bevy. Another thing, he hardly fucking shows it. I mean I’ve seen the cunt drinking I dont know how many pints and see at eleven o’clock!

Billy nodded. Sober. . He pointed at Tammas: He’s the same.

Tammas! Rab gazed at Billy, shaking his head. You must be fucking joking!

Tammas laughed.

Rab was wagging a finger at him. Is he fuck the same as Donnie, he just plays it wide, he takes one to our fucking two. You have to take notes with the cunt. Exact same at school as well so he was. I mean dont let him fucking con you Billy. Listen, how many rounds we had?

I dont know.

Ten, murmured John. He sat stiffly forwards on his chair.

Rubbish, away back to sleep!

He is, said Tammas. Look! Hey John, are you awake or what?

Ach I’m just. . He shook his head.

Rab continued to Billy: Naw, dont tell me about Tammas man cause I know, I know.

What d’you know! Billy winked at Tammas who was laughing.

And Rab grunted: No point fucking winking Billy no point fucking winking; cause that’s you beat before you’ve even started, eh Tammas?

Where’s fucking Donnie? that’s what I want to know.

Terrible, said John, we’re splitting up, we’re all splitting up, we’re all fucking splitting up.

He’s like a record player the cunt, muttered Rab.

John shook his head: It’ll never be the same again but.

He’s right, said Billy.

Thank fuck. . Tammas grinned.

Ya bastard! frowned Rab. I fucking hate you when you say things like that.

So do I, said Billy and he winked at Tammas again.

And Rab shook his head: He thinks I dont see him winking. .

Here’s the cunt now, said Tammas.

Were you away for a shite? cried Billy.

Shut up ya bastard. Donnie glanced about as he sat down on his seat. I hope yous mob havent been causing a disturbance with the fucking lieges!

Billy laughed.

What’s he fucking talking about! cried Rab.

Lieges, said John.

Ah Donnie Donnie Donnie, it’ll break my heart to see you away. Tammas pursed his lips and sighed: New Zealand by fuck! That’s terrible, terrible.

Rab was nodding and he turned to Billy: See what I mean? That’s it been said now — Tammas, Tammas has said it. Eh? Hey Tammas come on ya bastard we’ve got to shake hands with you cause of that, eh?

Tammas put his hand out and they shook, then he did likewise with John and Billy.

Rab was saying: Donnie, you’re a bastard. What you going away for?

I’m no going away.

Aye you are, fucking New Zealand.

You’re going away as well.

Aye but fucking England, that’s all man, Hull City.

It’s just down the road he’s going, said Billy. No like you man, you’re going fucking thousands of miles away.

Two days to get there, said John.

Donnie laughed briefly. I’ll be back, dont worry. Old Firm games, Wembley and all that. Fuck sake! Think I’m going to miss the England match! We’ll take 6 off them.

Aye but what you going away for? asked Billy. There’s no need for it. No when you think about it, no really. I mean you’ve got a good fucking job man and you like it here.

It’s no as simple as that, fuck sake!

The family and that, said Rab. Eh Donnie?

Donnie shrugged.

Is it cause of your family? asked John.

Donnie shrugged again.

Tammas opened his cigarette packet and offered to the others: Tell you something, he said, I fancy it. New Zealand. Bags of sun and that.

Aye but there’s no betting shops! Billy laughed. Got to give your bets to the fucking barber!

Numbers racket, said John.

Donnie grinned, pointing at him.

Tammas exhaled smoke, shaking his head: Can you imagine it but? lying on the beach all day, big blondes and bottles of bacardi.

There he goes! cried Rab.

Naw but no kidding man, no more fucking signing on at the shitey fucking broo. Christ sake. White sands and blue skies. Clear water to swim in. No coats or fuck all and the women all walking about in scanty clad bikinis. Nude fucking swimming at midnight.

Pubs shut at six o’clock, said Billy.

Do they fuck, replied Donnie.